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DUKE 

UNIVERSITY 

LIBRARY 


Treasure  %oom 


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http://www.archive.org/details/fantasticfables01bier 


Bv  Bmbrose  Bterce 


In  the  Midst  of  Life.     Tales  of  Sol- 
diers and  Civilians.      i6°     .  $1.25 

Fantastic  Fables.     16°  .     .     .     $1.00 


G.  P.  PUTNAM'S  SONS 

NEW  YORK  &  LONDON 


FANTASTIC 
FABLES 

By  AMBROSE  BIERCE 

AUTHOR    OF    "  TALES    OF    SOLDIERS    AND 

CIVILIANS,"     "CAN    SUCH    THINGS    BE?" 

"black    BEETLES    IN    AMBER,"    ETC. 

•^^^ 

G.  P.  PUTNAM'S  SONS 
NEW  YORK  AND  LONDON 

Copyright,  1898 


BY 


G.  P.  PUTNAM'S  SONS 
Entered  at  Stationers'  Hall,  London 


Ube  "Rntcfterbocfccr  prees,  "ttew  Korfc 


Contente 


The  Moral  Principle  and  the   Material 

Interest i 

The  Crimson  Candle 2 

The  Blotted  Escutcheon  and  the   Soiled 

Ermine 3 

The  Ingenious  Patriot 4 

Two  Kings       .                6 

An  Officer  and  a  Thug        ....  6 

The  Conscientious  Official  ....  7 

How  Leisure  Came 8 

The  Moral  Sentiment 9 

The  Politicians 10 

The  Thoughtful  Warden     .        .        .        .11 

The  Treasury  and  the  Arms        ...  12 

The  Christian  Serpent 12 

The  Broom  of  the  Temple  ....  12 

The  Critics 14 

The  Foolish  Woman 15 

Father  and  Son 16 

The  Discontented  Malefactor    ...  16 

A  Call  to  Quit 17 

The  Man  and  the  Lightning        ...  18 

The  Lassoed  Bear 18 

iii 


IV 


Contents 


The  Ineffective  Rooter 

A  Protagonist  of  Silver 

The  Holy  Deacon  . 

A  Hasty  Settlement 

The  Wooden  Guns  .        .        . 

The  Reform  School  Board  , 

The  Toet's  Doom    . 

The  Noser  and  the  Note     . 

The  Cat  and  the  King  . 

The  Literary  Astronomer    . 

The  Lion  and  the  Rattlesnake 

The  Man  with  no  Enemies  . 

The  Alderman  and  the  Raccoon 

The  Flying  Machine 

The  Angel's  Tear  . 

The  City  of  Political  Distinction 

The  Party  Over  There 

The  Poetess  of  Reform 

The  Unchanged  Diplomatist 

An  Invitation  .... 

The  Ashes  of  Madame  Blavatsky 

The  Opossum  of  the  Future 

The  Life-Savers 

The  Australian  Grasshopper 

The  Pavior      .... 

The  Tried  Assassin 

The  Bumbo  of  Jiam 

The  Two  Poets 

The  Thistles  upon  the  Grave 

The  Shadow  of  the  Leader 

The  Sagacious  Rat 


Contents 


The  Member  and  the  Soap 

Alarm  and  Pride    . 

A  Causeway     . 

Two  IN  Trouble 

The  Witch's  Steed 

The  All  Dog  . 

The  Farmer's  Friend 

Physicians  Two 

The  Overlooked  Factor 

A  Racial  Parallel 

The  Honest  Cadi    . 

The  Kangaroo  and  the  Zebra 

A  Matter  of  Method    . 

The  Man  of  Principle  . 

The  Returned  Californian 

The  Compassionate  Physician 

Two  OF  the  Damned 

The  Austere  Governor 

Religions  of  Error 

The  Penitent  Elector  . 

The  Tail  of  the  Sphinx 

A  Prophet  of  Evil 

The  Crew  of  the  Life-boat 

A  Treaty  of  Peace 

The  Nightside  of  Character 

The  Faithful  Cashier   . 

The  Circular  Clew 

The  Devoted  Widow 

The  Hardy  Patriots 

The  Humble  Peasant     . 

The  Various  Delegation 


49 
49 
50 
51 
52 
52 
53 
53 
54 
55 
56 
57 
57 
58 
59 
59 
60 
61 
62 
63 
64 
65 
65 
66 
68 
69 
70 
71 
71 
72 

74 


VI 


Contents 


The  No  Case  .... 

A  Harmless  Visitor 

The  Judge  and  the  Rash  Act 

The  Prerogative  of  Might  . 

An  Inflated  Ambition    . 

Rejected  Services  . 

The  Power  of  the  Scalawag 

At  Large — One  Temper 

The  Seeker  and  the  Sought 

His  Fly-Speck  Majesty  . 

The  Pugilist's  Diet 

The  Old  Man  and  the  Pupil 

The  Deceased  and  his  Heirs 

The  Politicians  and  the  Plunder 

The  Man  and  the  Wart 

The  Divided  Delegation 

A  Forfeited  Right 

Revenge    . 

An  Optimist 

A  Valuable  Suggestion 

Two  Footpads 

Equipped  for  Service 

The  Basking  Cyclone 

At  the  Pole     . 

The  Optimist  and  the  Cynic 

The  Poet  and  the  Editor 

The  Taken  Hand    . 

An  Unspeakable  Imbecile 

A  Needful  War 

The  Mine  Owner  and  the  Jackass 

The  Dog  and  the  Physician 


Contents 

vii 

PAGE 

The  Party  Manager  and  the  Gentleman  .     loo 

The  Legislator  and  the  Citizen 

I02 

The  Rainmaker       .... 

103 

The  Citizen  and  the  Snakes 

104 

Fortune  and  the  Fabulist    . 

105 

A  Smiling  Idol        .... 

106 

Philosophers  Three 

107 

The  Boneless  King 

108 

Uncalculating  Zeal 

109 

A  Transposition 

no 

The  Honest  Citizen 

III 

A  Creaking  Tail     . 

112 

Wasted  Sweets 

112 

Six  and  One     . 

"3 

The  Sportsman  and  the  Squirrel 

114 

The  Fogy  and  the  Sheik 

"5 

At  Heaven's  Gate  .... 

116 

The  Catted  Anarchist  . 

118 

The  Honourable  Member 

119 

The  Expatriated  Boss  . 

120 

An  Inadequate  Fee 

120 

The  Judge  and  the  Plaintiff 

121 

The  Return  of  the  Representative 

122 

A  Statesman    

123 

Two  Dogs 

124 

Three  Recruits 

124 

The  Mirror 

125 

Saint  and  Sinner    . 

126 

An  Antidote    . 

127 

A  Weary  Echo 

127 

The  Ingenious  Blackma] 

LER 

128 

Vlll 


Contents 


A  Talisman 

The  Ancient  Order 

A  Fatal  Disorder  . 

The    Massacre. 

A  Ship  and  a  Man  .  • 

Congress  and  the  People 

The  Justice  and  His  Accuser 

The  Highwayman  and  the  Traveller 

The  Policeman  and  the  Citizen 

The  Writer  and  the  Tramps 

Two  Politicians 

The  Fugitive  Office 

The  Tyrant  Frog  . 

The  Eligible  Son-in-Law 

The  Statesman  and  the  Horse 

An  ^rophobe  .... 

The  Thrift  of  Strength 

The  Good  Government 

The  Life-Saver 

The  Man  and  the  Bird 

From  the  Minutes  . 

Three  of  a  Kind     . 

The  Fabulist  and  the  Animals 

A  Revivalist  Revived 

The  Debaters  . 

Two  of  the  Pious  . 

The  Desperate  Object 

The  Appropriate  Memorial 

A  Needless  Labour 

A  Flourishing  Industry 

The  Self-Made  Monkey 


Contents 


IX 


The  Patriot  and  the  Banker 
The  Mourning  Brothers 
The  Disinterested  Arbiter  . 
The  Thief  and  the  Honest  Man 
The  Dutiful  Son    .         .        .        . 


PAGE 

152 
153 
154 
155 

155 


Beeopus  BmenDatus 

The  Cat  and  the  Youth 

The  Farmer  and  His  Sons    . 

Jupiter  and  the  Baby  Show 

The  Man  and  the  Dog  . 

The  Cat  and  the  Birds 

Mercury  and  the  Woodchopper 

The  Fox  and  the  Grapes 

The  Penitent  Thief 

The  Archer  and  the  Eagle 

Truth  and  the  Traveller    . 

The  Wolf  and  the  Lamb 

The  Lion  and  the  Boar 

The  Grasshopper  and  the  Ant 

The  Fisher  and  the  Fished 

The  Farmer  and  the  Fox     . 

Dame  Fortune  and  the  Traveller 

The  Victor  and  the  Victim 

The  Wolf  and  the  Shepherds 

The  Goose  and  the  Swan 

The  Lion,  the  Cock,  and  the  Ass 

The  Snake  and  the  Swallow 

The  Wolves  and  the  Dogs  . 

The  Hen  and  the  Vipers 


159 
159 
160 
160 
161 
162 
162 
162 
163 
163 
164 
164 
165 
165 
166 
166 
167 
167 
168 
168 
169 
169 
170 


Contents 


A  Seasonable  Joke         .        .        .       .  .170 

The  Lion  and  the  Thorn     .        .        .  .170 

The  Fawn  and  the  Buck      .        .        .  .171 

The  Kite,  the  Pigeons,  and  the  Hawk  .     172 
The  Wolf  and  the  Babe       ....     172 

The  Wolf  and  the  Ostrich          .        .  .     172 

The  Herdsman  and  the  Lion       .        .  .173 

The  Man  and  the  Viper        .        .        .  .173 

The  Man  and  the  Eagle       .        .        .  .174 

The  War-Horse  and  the  Miller.        .  .174 

The  Dog  and  the  Reflection      .        .  .175 

The  Man  and  the  Fish-Horn       .        .  .175 

The  Hare  and  the  Tortoise        .        .  .     176 

Hercules  and  the  Carter     .        .        .  .177 

The  Lion  and  the  Bull        .        .        .  .177 

The  Man  and  His  Goose       .        .        .  .178 

The  Wolf  and  the  Feeding  Goat       .  .178 

Jupiter  and  the  Birds 179 

The  Lion  and  the  Mouse      .        .        .  .180 

The  Old  Man  and  His  Sons         .        .  .    180 

The  Crab  and  His  Son 181 

The  North  Wind  and  the  Sun    ,        .  .     i8i 

The  Mountain  and  the  Mouse     .        .  .182 

The  Bellamy  and  the  Members  .        .  .     182 


©12)  Saw6  witb  IRcw  Zectb 


The  Wolf  and  the  Crane    . 
The  Lion  and  the  Mouse 
The  Hares  and  the  Frogs    . 
The  Belly  and  the  Members 


185 
185 
186 

186 


dontents 


XI 


The  Piping  Fisherman    . 
The  Ants  and  the  Grasshopper  . 
The  Dog  and  His  Reflection 
The  Lion,  the  Bear,  and  the  Fox 
The  Ass  and  the  Lion's  Skin 
The  Ass  and  the  Grasshoppers    . 
The  Wolf  and  the  Lion 
The  Hare  and  the  Tortoise 
The  Milkmaid  and  Her  Bucket  . 
King  Log  and  King  Stork    . 
The  Wolf  Who  Would  be  a  Lion 
The  Monkey  and  the  Nuts  . 
The  Boys  and  the  Frogs 


PAGB 

187 
188 
188 
189 
189 
190 
190 
191 
192 
192 

194 


^fantastic  fables 


The  Moral  Principle  and 
the  Material  Interest  .  . 

A  Moral  Principle  met  a  Material  In- 
terest on  a  bridge  wide  enough  for  but 
one. 

**  Down,  you  base  thing!  "  thundered 
the  Moral  Principle,  "  and  let  me  pass 
over  you !  " 

The  Material  Interest  merely  looked  in 
the  other's  eyes  without  saying  anything. 

**  Ah,"  said  the  Moral  Principle,  hesi- 
tatingly, "  let  us  draw  lots  to  see  which 
shall  retire  till  the  other  has  crossed." 

The  Material  Interest  maintained  an 
unbroken  silence  and  an  unwavering  stare. 

"  In  order  to  avoid  a  conflict,"  the 
Moral  Principle  resumed,  somewhat  un- 


2  jfantastic  ffables 

easily,  "  I  shall  myself  lie  down  and  let 
you  walk  over  me." 

Then  the  Material  Interest  found  a 
tongue,  and  by  a  strange  coincidence  it 
was  its  own  tongue.  **  I  don't  think  you 
are  very  good  walking,"  it  said.  "  I  am 
a  little  particular  about  what  I  have  under- 
foot.   Suppose  you  get  off  into  the  water. 

It  occurred  that  way. 

The  Crimson  Candle 

A  Man  lying  at  the  point  of  death  called 
his  wife  to  his  bedside  and  said : 

*  *  I  am  about  to  leave  you  forever ;  give 
me,  therefore,  one  last  proof  of  your  affec- 
tion and  fidelity,  for,  according  to  our 
holy  religion,  a  married  man  seeking  ad- 
mittance at  the  gate  of  Heaven  is  required 
to  swear  that  he  has  never  defiled  himself 
with  an  unworthy  woman.  In  my  desk 
you  will  find  a  crimson  candle,  which  has 
been  blessed  by  the  High  Priest  and  has  a 
peculiar  mystical  significance.  Swear  to 
me  that  while  it  is  in  existence  you  will 
not  remarry." 


ifantasttc  ffablee  3 

The  Woman  swore  and  the  Man  died. 
At  the  funeral  the  Woman  stood  at  the 
head  of  the  bier,  holding  a  lighted  crim- 
son candle  till  it  was  wasted  entirely  away. 

The  Blotted  Escutcheon 
and  the  Soiled  Ermine   . 

A  Blotted  Escutcheon,  rising  to  a 
question  of  privilege,  said  : 

"  Mr.  Speaker,  I  wish  to  hurl  back  an 
allegation  and  explain  that  the  spots  upon 
me  are  the  natural  markings  of  one  who 
is  a  direct  descendant  of  the  sun  and  a 
spotted  fawn.  They  come  of  no  accident 
of  character,  but  inhere  in  the  divine  order 
and  constitution  of  things." 

When  the  Blotted  Escutcheon  had  re- 
sumed his  seat  a  Soiled  Ermine  rose  and 
said : 

**  Mr.  Speaker,  I  have  heard  with  pro- 
found attention  and  entire  approval  the 
explanation  of  the  honourable  member, 
and  wish  to  offer  a  few  remarks  on  my 
own  behalf.  I,  too,  have  been  foully 
calumniated  by  our  ancient  enemy,  the 


4  jfantastic  ffables 

Infamous  Falsehood,  and  I  wish  to  point 
out  that  I  am  made  of  the  fur  of  the 
Mustela  maculatay  which  is  dirty  from 
birth." 

The  Ingenious  Patriot 

Having  obtained  an  audience  of  the 
King  an  Ingenious  Patriot  pulled  a  paper 
from  his  pocket,  saying : 

**  May  it  please  your  Majesty,  I  have 
here  a  formula  for  constructing  armour- 
plating  which  no  gun  can  pierce.  If  these 
plates  are  adopted  in  the  Royal  Navy  our 
warships  will  be  invulnerable,  and  there- 
fore invincible.  Here,  also,  are  reports 
of  your  Majesty's  Ministers,  attesting  the 
value  of  the  invention.  I  will  part  with 
my  right  in  it  for  a  million  tumtums." 

After  examining  the  papers,  the  King 
put  them  away  and  promised  him  an  order 
on  the  Lord  High  Treasurer  of  the  Extor- 
tion Department  for  a  million  tumtums. 

"  And  here,"  said  the  Ingenious  Pa- 
triot, pulling  another  paper  from  another 
pocket,  "  are  the  working  plans  of  a  gun 


fantastic  ffables  5 

that  I  have  invented,  which  will  pierce 
that  armour.  Your  Majesty's  Royal 
Brother,  the  Emperor  of  Bang,  is  anxious 
to  purchase  it,  but  loyalty  to  your  Ma- 
jesty's throne  and  person  constrains  me  to 
offer  it  first  to  your  Majesty.  The  price 
is  one  million  tumtums." 

Having  received  the  promise  of  another 
check,  he  thrust  his  hand  into  still  another 
pocket,  remarking: 

**  The  price  of  the  irresistible  gun  would 
have  been  much  greater,  your  Majesty, 
but  for  the  fact  that  its  missiles  can  be 
so  effectively  averted  by  my  peculiar 
method  of  treating  the  armour  plates  with 
a  new ' ' 

The  King  signed  to  the  Great  Head 
Factotum  to  approach. 

**  Search  this  man,"  he  said,  **  and  re- 
port how  many  pockets  he  has." 

"  Forty-three,  Sire,"  said  the  Great 
Head  Factotum,  completing  the  scrutiny. 

**  May  it  please  your  Majesty,"  cried 
the  Ingenious  Patriot,  in  terror,  "  one  of 
them  contains  tobacco." 

"  Hold  him  up  by  the  ankles  and  shake 


6  ffantastic  ffables 

him,"  said  the  King;  "  then  give  him  a 
check  for  forty-two  million  tumtums  and 
put  him  to  death.  Let  a  decree  issue  de- 
claring ingenuity  a  capital  offence." 

Two  Kings 

The  King  of  Madagao,  being  engaged 
in  a  dispute  with  the  King  of  Bornegascar, 
wrote  him  as  follows: 

**  Before  proceeding  further  in  this  mat- 
ter I  demand  the  recall  of  your  Minister 
from  my  capital." 

Greatly  enraged  by  this  impossible  de- 
mand, the  King  of  Bornegascar  replied : 

**  I  shall  not  recall  my  Minister.  More- 
over, if  you  do  not  immediately  retract 
your  demand  I  shall  withdraw  him !  " 

This  threat  so  terrified  the  King  of 
Madagao  that  in  hastening  to  comply  he 
fell  over  his  own  feet,  breaking  the  Third 
Commandment. 

An  Officer  and  a  Thug 

A  Chief  of  Police  who  had  seen  an 
Officer  beating  a  Thug  was  very  indignant, 


ffantasttc  ffables  7 

and  said  he  must  not  do  so  any  more  on 
pain  of  dismissal. 

**  Don't  be  too  hard  on  me,"  said  the 
Officer,  smiling;  "  I  was  beating  him  with 
a  stuffed  club." 

"  Nevertheless,"  persisted  the  Chief  of 
Police,  "  it  was  a  liberty  that  must  have 
been  very  disagreeable,  though  it  may  not 
have  hurt.     Please  do  not  repeat  it." 

'*  But,"  said  the  Officer,  still  smiling, 
"  it  was  a  stuffed  Thug." 

In  attempting  to  express  his  gratifica- 
tion, the  Chief  of  Police  thrust  out  his 
right  hand  with  such  violence  that  his  skin 
was  ruptured  at  the  arm-pit  and  a  stream 
of  sawdust  poured  from  the  wound.  He 
was  a  stuffed  Chief  of  Police. 

The  Conscientious  Official 

While  a  Division  Superintendent  of  a 
railway  was  attending  closely  to  his  busi- 
ness of  placing  obstructions  on  the  track 
and  tampering  with  the  switches  he  re- 
ceived word  that  the  President  of  the  road 
was  about  to  discharge  him  for  incom- 
petency. 


8  ffantasttc  fables 

**  Good  Heavens!  "  he  cried;  **  there 
are  more  accidents  on  my  division  than 
on  all  the  rest  of  the  line." 

"  The  President  is  very  particular,"  said 
the  Man  who  brought  him  the  news;  "  he 
thinks  the  same  loss  of  life  might  be  ef- 
fected with  less  damage  to  the  company's 
property." 

"  Does  he  expect  me  to  shoot  passen- 
gers through  the  car  windows?"  ex- 
claimed the  indignant  official,  spiking  a 
loose  tie  across  the  rails.  **  Does  he  take 
me  for  an  assassin  ?  " 

How  Leisure  Came 

A  Man  to  Whom  Time  Was  Money, 
and  who  was  bolting  his  breakfast  in 
order  to  catch  a  train,  had  leaned  his 
newspaper  against  the  sugar-bowl  and 
was  reading  as  he  ate.  In  his  haste  and 
abstraction  he  stuck  a  pickle-fork  into  his 
right  eye,  and  on  removing  the  fork  the 
eye  came  with  it.  In  buying  spectacles 
the  needless  outlay  for  the  right  lens  soon 
reduced  him  to  poverty,  and  the  Man  to 


Ifantasttc  J'ables  9 

Whom  Time  Was  Money  had  to  sustain 
life  by  fishing  from  the  end  of  a  wharf. 

The  Moral  Sentiment 

A  Pugilist  met  the  Moral  Sentiment 
of  the  Community,  who  was  carrying  a 
hat-box.  "  What  have  you  in  the  hat- 
box,  my  friend  ?  "  inquired  the  Pugilist. 

**  A  new  frown,"  was  the  answer.  "  I 
am  bringing  it  from  the  frownery — the 
one  over  there  with  the  gilded  steeple." 

"  And  what  are  you  going  to  do  with 
the  nice  new  frown  ?"  the  Pugilist 
asked. 

"  Put  down  pugilism — if  I  have  to  wear 
it  night  and  day,"  said  the  Moral  Senti- 
ment of  the  Community,  sternly. 

**  That  's  right,"  said  the  Pugilist, 
"  that  is  right,  my  good  friend;  if  pu- 
gilism had  been  put  down  yesterday,  I 
would  n't  have  this  kind  of  Nose  to-day. 
I  had  a  rattling  hot  fight  last  evening 
with " 

"  Is  that  so  ?  "  cried  the  Moral  Senti- 
ment  of    the    Community,    with    sudden 


lo  fantastic  fables 

animation.  "  Which  licked  ?  Sit  down 
here  on  the  hat-box  and  tell  me  all  about 
it!" 

The  Politicians 

An  Old  Politician  and  a  Young  Poli- 
tician were  travelling  through  a  beautiful 
country,  by  the  dusty  highway  which 
leads  to  the  City  of  Prosperous  Obscurity. 
Lured  by  the  flowers  and  the  shade  and 
charmed  by  the  songs  of  birds  which  in- 
vited to  woodland  paths  and  green  fields, 
his  imagination  fired  by  glimpses  of  golden 
domes  and  glittering  palaces  in  the  dis- 
tance on  either  hand,  the  Young  Politician 
said: 

"  Let  us,  I  beseech  thee,  turn  aside 
from  this  comfortless  road  leading,  thou 
knowest  whither,  but  not  L  Let  us  turn 
our  backs  upon  duty  and  abandon  our- 
selves to  the  delights  and  advantages 
which  beckon  from  every  grove  and  call 
to  us  from  every  shining  hill.  Let  us,  if 
so  thou  wilt,  follow  this  beautiful  path, 
which,  as  thou  seest,  hath  a  guide-board 


fantastic  jfables  n 

saying,  *  Turn  in  here  all  ye  who  seek  the 
Palace  of  Political  Distinction.'  " 

**  It  is  a  beautiful  path,  my  son,"  said 
the  Old  Politician,  without  either  slacken- 
ing his  pace  or  turning  his  head,  "  and  it 
leadeth  among  pleasant  scenes.  But  the 
search  for  the  Palace  of  Political  Distinc- 
tion is  beset  with  one  mighty  peril." 

"  What  is  that  ?  "  said  the  Young  Poli- 
tician. 

"  The  peril  of  finding  it,"  the  Old 
Politician  replied,  pushing  on. 

The  Thoughtful  Warden 

The  Warden  of  a  Penitentiary  was  one 
day  putting  locks  on  the  doors  of  all  the 
cells  when  a  mechanic  said  to  him : 

**  Those  locks  can  all  be  opened  from 
the  inside — you  are  very  imprudent." 

The  Warden  did  not  look  up  from  his 
work,  but  said : 

**  If  that  is  called  imprudence,  I  wonder 
what  would  be  called  a  thoughtful  pro- 
vision against  the  vicissitudes  of  for- 
tune." 


12  jfantasttc  ffables 

The  Treasury  and  the  Arms 

A  Public  Treasury,  feeling  Two  Arms 
lifting  out  its  contents,  exclaimed : 

**  Mr.  Shareman,  I  move  for  a  division." 

"  You  seem  to  know  something  about 
parliamentary  forms  of  speech,"  said  the 
Two  Arms. 

"  Yes,"  replied  the  Public  Treasury, 
**  I  am  familiar  with  the  hauls  of  legisla- 
tion." 

The  Christian  Serpent 

A  Rattlesnake  came  home  to  his 
brood  and  said:  "  My  children,  gather 
about  and  receive  your  father's  last  bless- 
ing, and  see  how  a  Christian  dies." 

"  What  ails  you.  Father  ?  "  asked  the 
Small  Snakes. 

"  I  have  been  bitten  by  the  editor  of  a 
partisan  journal,"  was  the  reply,  accom- 
panied by  the  ominous  death-rattle. 

The  Broom  of  the  Temple 

The  city  of  Gakwak  being  about  to  lose 
its  character  of  capital  of  the  province  of 


J'antastic  fables  13 

Ukwuk,  the  Wampog  issued  a  proclama- 
tion convening  all  the  male  residents  in 
council  in  the  Temple  of  Ul  to  devise 
means  of  defence.  The  first  speaker 
thought  the  best  policy  would  be  to  offer 
a  fried  jackass  to  the  gods.  The  second 
suggested  a  public  procession,  headed  by 
the  Wampog  himself,  bearing  the  Holy 
Poker  on  a  cushion  of  cloth-of-brass. 
Another  thought  that  a  scarlet  mole 
should  be  buried  alive  in  the  public  park 
and  a  suitable  incantation  chanted  over 
the  remains.  The  advice  of  the  fourth 
was  that  the  columns  of  the  capitol  be 
rubbed  with  oil  of  dog  by  a  person  having 
a  moustache  on  the  calf  of  his  leg.  When 
all  the  others  had  spoken  an  Aged  Man 
rose  and  said : 

"  High  and  mighty  Wampog  and  fel- 
low-citizens, I  have  listened  attentively  to 
all  the  plans  proposed.  All  seem  wise, 
and  I  do  not  suffer  myself  to  doubt  that 
any  one  of  them  would  be  efficacious. 
Nevertheless,  I  cannot  help  thinking  that 
if  we  would  put  an  improved  breed  of 
poUiwogs  in  our  drinking  water,  construct 


14  ifantasttc  ffables 

shallower  roadways,  groom  the  street 
cows,  offer  the  stranger  within  our  gates 
a  free  choice  between  the  poniard  and  the 
potion,  and  relinquish  our  private  system 
of  morals,  the  other  measures  of  public 
safety  would  be  needless." 

The  Aged  Man  was  about  to  speak 
further,  but  the  meeting  informally  ad- 
journed in  order  to  sweep  the  floor  of  the 
temple — for  the  men  of  Gakwak  are  the 
tidiest  housewives  in  all  that  province. 
The  last  speaker  was  the  broom. 

The  Critics 

While  bathing,  Antinous  was  seen  by 
Minerva,  who  was  so  enamoured  of  his 
beauty  that,  all  armed  as  she  happened  to 
be,  she  descended  from  Olympus  to  woo 
him ;  but,  unluckily  displaying  her  shield, 
with  the  head  of  Medusa  on  it,  she  had 
the  unhappiness  to  see  the  beautiful  mor- 
tal turn  to  stone  from  catching  a  glimpse 
of  it.  She  straightway  ascended  to  ask 
Jove  to  restore  him  ;  but  before  this  could 
be  done  a  Sculptor  and  a  Critic  passed 
that  way  and  espied  him. 


ffantastic  ffables  15 

"  This  is  a  very  bad  Apollo,"  said  the 
Sculptor:  **  the  chest  is  too  narrow,  and 
one  arm  is  at  least  a  half-inch  shorter  than 
the  other.  The  attitude  is  unnatural,  and 
I  may  say  impossible.  Ah!  my  friend, 
you  should  see  my  statue  of  Antinous. " 

In  my  judgment,  the  figure,"  said  the 
Critic,  "  is  tolerably  good,  though  rather 
Etrurian,  but  the  expression  of  the  face  is 
decidedly  Tuscan,  and  therefore  false  to 
nature.  By  the  way,  have  you  read  my 
work  on  *  The  Fallaciousness  of  the  As- 
pectual in  Art  '  ?  " 

The  Foolish  Woman 

A  Married  Woman,  whose  lover  was 
about  to  reform  by  running  away,  pro- 
cured a  pistol  and  shot  him  dead. 

**  Why  did  you  do  that.  Madam  ?  "  in- 
quired a  Policeman,  sauntering  by. 

"  Because,"  replied  the  Married  Wo- 
man, "  he  was  a  wicked  man,  and  had 
purchased  a  ticket  to  Chicago." 

My  sister,"  said  an  adjacent  Man  of 
God,   solemnly,   "  you   cannot   stop   the 


i6  ffantasttc  ffables 

wicked  from  going  to  Chicago  by  killing 
them." 

Father  and  Son 

"  My  boy,"  said  an  aged  Father  to  his 
fiery  and  disobedient  Son,  "  a  hot  temper 
is  the  soil  of  remorse.  Promise  me  that 
when  next  you  are  angry  you  will  count 
one  hundred  before  you  move  or  speak." 

No  sooner  had  the  Son  promised  than 
he  received  a  stinging  blow  from  the  pater- 
nal walking-stick,  and  by  the  time  he  had 
counted  to  seventy-five  had  the  unhappi- 
ness  to  see  the  old  man  jump  into  a  wait- 
ing cab  and  whirl  away. 

The  Discontented  Malefactor 

A  Judge  having  sentenced  a  Malefactor 
to  the  penitentiary  was  proceeding  to 
point  out  to  him  the  disadvantages  of 
crime  and  the  profit  of  reformation. 

"  Your  Honour,"  said  the  Malefactor, 
interrupting,  "  would  you  be  kind  enough 
to  alter  my  punishment  to  ten  years  in  the 
penitentiary  and  nothing  else  ?  " 


Jfantastic  faUcB  17 

**  Why,"  said  the  Judge,  surprised,  **  I 
have  given  you  only  three  years!  " 

"  Yes,  I  know,"  assented  the  Malefac- 
tor— **  three  years'  imprisonment  and  the 
preaching.  If  you  please,  I  should  like 
to  commute  the  preaching." 

A  Call  to  Quit 

Seeing  that  his  audiences  were  becom- 
ing smaller  every  Sunday,  a  Minister  of 
the  Gospel  broke  off  in  the  midst  of  a 
sermon,  descended  the  pulpit  stairs,  and 
walked  on  his  hands  down  the  central 
aisle  of  the  church.  He  then  remounted 
his  feet,  ascended  to  the  pulpit,  and  re- 
sumed his  discourse,  making  no  allusion 
to  the  incident. 

"  Now,"  said  he  to  himself,  as  he  went 
home,  "  I  shall  have,  henceforth,  a  large 
attendance  and  no  snoring." 

But  on  the  following  Friday  he  was 
waited  upon  by  the  Pillars  of  the  Church, 
who  informed  him  that  in  order  to  be  in 
harmony  with  the  New  Theology  and  get 
full    advantage    of   modern    methods   of 


i8  ffantastic  ffables 

Gospel  interpretation  they  had  deemed  it 
advisable  to  make  a  change.  They  had 
therefore  sent  a  call  to  Brother  Jowjeetum- 
Fallal,  the  World  -  Renowned  Hindoo 
Human  Pin-Wheel,  then  holding  forth  in 
Hoopitup's  circus.  They  were  happy  to 
say  that  the  reverend  gentleman  had  been 
moved  by  the  Spirit  to  accept  the  call, 
and  on  the  ensuing  Sabbath  would  break 
the  bread  of  life  for  the  brethren  or  break 
his  neck  in  the  attempt. 

The  Man  and  the  Lightning 

A  Man  Running  for  Office  was  over- 
taken by  Lightning. 

"  You  see/'  said  the  Lightning,  as  it 
crept  past  him  inch  by  inch,  "  I  can  travel 
considerably  faster  than  you." 

"  Yes,"  the  Man  Running  for  Office 
replied,  "  but  think  how  much  longer  I 
keep  going!  " 

The  Lassoed  Bear 

A  Hunter  who  had  lassoed  a  Bear  was 
trying  to  disengage  himself  from  the 
rope,  but  the  slip-knot   about  his   wrist 


jfantasttc  ifables  19 

would  not  yield,  for  the  Bear  was  all  the 
time  pulling  in  the  slack  with  his  paws. 
In  the  midst  of  his  trouble  the  Hunter 
saw  a  Showman  passing  by,  and  managed 
to  attract  his  attention. 

"  What  will  you  give  me,"  he  said, 
"  for  my  Bear  ?" 

It  will  be  some  five  or  ten  minutes," 
said  the  Showman,  "  before  I  shall  want 
a  fresh  Bear,  and  it  looks  to  me  as  if 
prices  would  fall  during  that  time.  I 
think  I  '11  wait  and  watch  the  market." 

**  The  price  of  this  animal,"  the  Hunter 
replied,  **  is  down  to  bed-rock;  you  can 
have  him  for  nothing  a  pound,  spot  cash, 
and  I  '11  throw  in  the  next  one  that  I 
lasso.  But  the  purchaser  must  remove 
the  goods  from  the  premises  forthwith,  to 
make  room  for  three  man-eating  tigers, 
a  cat-headed  gorilla,  and  an  armful  of 
rattlesnakes." 

But  the  Showman  passed  on,  in  maiden 
meditation,  fancy  free,  and  being  joined 
soon  afterward  by  the  Bear,  who  was 
absently  picking  his  teeth,  it  was  inferred 
that  they  were  not  unacquainted. 


so  iFantastlc  jfables 

The  Ineffective  Rooter 

A  Drunken  Man  was  lying  in  the  road 
with  a  bleeding  nose,  upon  which  he  had 
fallen,  when  a  Pig  passed  that  way. 

"  You  wallow  fairly  well,'*  said  the  Pig, 
**  but,  my  fine  fellow,  you  have  much  to 
learn  about  rooting." 

A  Protagonist  of  Silver 

Some  Financiers  who  were  whetting 
their  tongues  on  their  teeth  because  the 
Government  had  **  struck  down  "  silver, 
and  were  about  to  "  inaugurate  "  a  season 
of  sweatshed,  were  addressed  as  follows 
by  a  Member  of  their  honourable  and 
warlike  body : 

*'  Comrades  of  the  thunder  and  com- 
panions of  death,  I  cannot  but  regard  it 
as  singularly  fortunate  that  we  who  by 
conviction  and  sympathy  are  designated 
by  nature  as  the  champions  of  that  fairest 
of  her  products,  the  white  metal,  should 
also,  by  a  happy  chance,  be  engaged 
mostly    in    the    business    of    mining    it. 


jFantastlc  ifablcs  21 

Nothing  could  be  more  appropriate  than 
that  those  who  from  unselfish  motives 
and  elevated  sentiments  are  doing  battle 
for  the  people's  rights  and  interests, 
should  themselves  be  the  chief  benefi- 
ciaries of  success.  Therefore,  O  children 
of  the  earthquake  and  the  storm,  let  us 
stand  shoulder  to  shoulder,  heart  to  heart, 
and  pocket  to  pocket!  " 

This  speech  so  pleased  the  other  Mem- 
bers of  the  convention  that,  actuated  by 
a  magnanimous  impulse,  they  sprang  to 
their  feet  and  left  the  hall.  It  was  the 
first  time  they  had  ever  been  known  to 
leave  anything  having  value. 

The  Holy  Deacon 

An  Itinerant  Preacher  who  had  wrought 
hard  in  the  moral  vineyard  for  several 
hours  whispered  to  a  Holy  Deacon  of  the 
local  church : 

**  Brother,  these  people  know  you,  and 
your  active  support  will  bear  fruit  abund- 
antly. Please  pass  the  plate  for  me,  and 
you  shall  have  one  fourth," 


22  jfantasttc  jfables 

The  Holy  Deacon  did  so,  and  putting 
the  money  into  his  pocket  waited  till  the 
congregation  was  dismissed  and  said  good- 
night. 

"  But  the  money,  brother,  the  money 
that  you  collected!"  said  the  Itinerant 
Preacher. 

"  Nothing  is  coming  to  you,"  was  the 
reply ;  **  the  Adversary  has  hardened  their 
hearts,  and  one  fourth  is  all  they  gave." 

A  Hasty  Settlement 

"  Your  Honour,"  said  an  Attorney, 
rising,  "  what  is  the  present  status  of  this 
case — as  far  as  it  has  gone  ?  * ' 

"  I  have  given  a  judgment  for  the 
residuary  legatee  under  the  will,"  said  the 
Court,  "  put  the  costs  upon  the  contest- 
ants, decided  all  questions  relating  to  fees 
and  other  charges;  and,  in  short,  the 
estate  in  litigation  has  been  settled,  with 
all  controversies,  disputes,  misunderstand- 
ings, and  differences  of  opinion  thereunto 
appertaining." 

*'  Ah,  yes,  I  see,"  said  the  Attorney, 


Ifantasttc  jFables  23 

thoughtfully,  "  we  are  making  progress — 
we  are  getting  on  famously." 

"Progress?"  echoed  the  Judge — 
*'  progress  ?  Why,  sir,  the  matter  is  con- 
cluded!" 

"  Exactly,  exactly;  it  had  to  be  con- 
cluded in  order  to  give  relevancy  to  the 
motion  that  I  am  about  to  make.  Your 
Honour,  I  move  that  the  judgment  of  the 
Court  be  set  aside  and  the  case  reopened. '  * 

"  Upon  what  ground,  sir  ?  "  the  Judge 
asked  in  surprise. 

*  *  Upon  the  ground, ' '  said  the  Attorney, 
"  that  after  paying  all  fees  and  expenses 
of  litigation  and  all  charges  against  the 
estate  there  will  still  be  something  left." 

**  There  may  have  been  an  error,"  said 
His  Honour,  thoughtfully — "  the  Court 
may  have  underestimated  the  value  of  the 
estate.  The  motion  is  taken  under  ad- 
visement." 

The  Wooden  Guns 

An  Artillery  Regiment  of  a  State  Mi- 
litia applied  to  the  Governor  for  wooden 
guns  to  practise  with. 


24  jFantasttc  ffables 

**  Those,"  they  explained,  **  will  be 
cheaper  than  real  ones." 

"  It  shall  not  be  said  that  I  sacrificed 
efficiency  to  economy,"  said  the  Gover- 
nor.    "  You  shall  have  real  guns." 

"  Thank  you,  thank  you,"  cried  the 
warriors,  effusively.  "  We  will  take  good 
care  of  them,  and  in  the  event  of  war  re- 
turn them  to  the  arsenal." 


The  Reform  School  Board 

The  members  of  the  School  Board  in 
Doosnoswair  being  suspected  of  appoint- 
ing female  teachers  for  an  improper  con- 
sideration, the  people  elected  a  Board 
composed  wholly  of  women.  In  a  few 
years  the  scandal  was  at  an  end;  there 
were  no  female  teachers  in  the  Depart- 
ment. 

The  Poet's  Doom 

An  Object  was  walking  along  the  King's 
highway  wrapped  in  meditation  and  with 


jfantasttc  ifables  25 

little  else  on,  when  he  suddenly  found 
himself  at  the  gates  of  a  strange  city.  On 
applying  for  admittance,  he  was  arrested 
as  a  necessitator  of  ordinances,  and  taken 
before  the  King. 

"  Who  are  you,"  said  the  King,  "  and 
what  is  your  business  in  life  ?  " 

"  Snouter  the  Sneak,"  replied  the 
Object,  with  ready  invention;  ''pick- 
pocket." 

The  King  was  about  to  command  him 
to  be  released  when  the  Prime  Minister 
suggested  that  the  prisoner's  fingers  be 
examined.  They  were  found  greatly  flat- 
tened and  calloused  at  the  ends. 

"  Ha!  "  cried  the  King;  "  I  told  you 
so ! — he  is  addicted  to  counting  syllables. 
This  is  a  poet.  Turn  him  over  to  the 
Lord  High  Dissuader  from  the  Head 
Habit." 

''  My  liege,"  said  the  Inventor-in- 
Ordinary  of  Ingenious  Penalties,  "  I  ven- 
ture to  suggest  a  keener  affliction." 

'*  Name  it,"  the  King  said. 

"  Let  him  retain  that  head!  " 

It  was  so  ordered. 


26  jFantasttc  ffables 

The  Noser  and  the  Note 

The  Head  Rifler  of  an  insolvent  bank, 
learning  that  it  was  about  to  be  visited 
by  the  official  Noser  into  Things,  placed 
his  own  personal  note  for  a  large  amount 
among  its  resources,  and,  gaily  touching 
his  guitar,  awaited  the  inspection.  When 
the  Noser  came  to  the  note  he  asked, 
"  What  'sthis?" 

"  That,"  said  the  Assistant  Pocketer  of 
Deposits,  *'  is  one  of  our  liabilities." 

"  A  liability  ?"  exclaimed  the  Noser. 
"  Nay,  nay,  an  asset.  That  is  what  you 
mean,  doubtless." 

"  Therein  you  err,"  the  Pocketer  ex- 
plained; **  that  note  was  written  in  the 
bank  with  our  own  pen,  ink,  and  paper, 
and  we  have  not  paid  a  stationery  bill  for 
six  months." 

"  Ah,  I  see,"  the  Noser  said,  thought- 
fully; **  it  is  a  liability.  May  I  ask  how 
you  expect  to  meet  it  ?  " 

"  With  fortitude,  please  God,"  an- 
swered the  Assistant  Pocketer,  his  eyes 
to  Heaven  raising — "  with  fortitude  and  a 
firm  reliance  on  the  laxity  of  the  law," 


jfantastic  jfables  27 

"  Enough,  enough,"  exclaimed  the 
faithful  servant  of  the  State,  choking 
with  emotion;  **  here  is  a  certificate  of 
solvency." 

"  And  here  is  a  bottle  of  ink,"  the 
grateful  financier  said,  slipping  it  into  the 
other's  pocket;  "  it  is  all  that  we  have." 

The  Cat  and  the  King 

A  Cat  was  looking  at  a  King,  as  per- 
mitted by  the  proverb. 

**  Well,"  said  the  monarch,  observing 
her  inspection  of  the  royal  person,  **  how 
do  you  like  me  ?  " 

"  I  can  imagine  a  King,"  said  the  Cat, 
*'  whom  I  should  like  better." 

'*  For  example  ?  " 

"  The  King  of  the  Mice." 

The  sovereign  was  so  pleased  with  the 
wit  of  the  reply  that  he  gave  her  permis- 
sion to  scratch  his  Prime  Minister's  eyes 
out. 

The  Literary  Astronomer 

The  Director  of  an  Observatory,  who, 
with  a  thirty-six-inch  refractor,  had  dis- 


28  ffantastic  ffables 

covered  the  moon,  hastened  to  an  Editor, 
with  a  four-column  account  of  the  event. 

"  How  much?  "  said  the  Editor,  senten- 
tiously,  without  looking  up  from  his  essay 
on  the  circularity  of  the  political  horizon. 

"  One  hundred  and  sixty  dollars,"  re- 
plied the  man  who  had  discovered  the 
moon. 

**  Not  half  enough,"  was  the  Editor's 
comment. 

'*  Generous  man!  "  cried  the  Astrono- 
mer, glowing  with  warm  and  elevated 
sentiments,  **  pay  me,  then,  what  you 
will." 

"  Great  and  good  friend,"  said  the 
Editor,  blandly,  looking  up  from  his 
work,  **  we  are  far  asunder,  it  seems. 
The  paying  is  to  be  done  by  you." 

The  Director  of  the  Observatory  gath- 
ered up  the  manuscript  and  went  away, 
explaining  that  it  needed  correction ;  he 
had  neglected  to  dot  an  m. 

The  Lion  and  the  Rattlesnake 

A  Man  having  found  a  Lion  in  his  path 
undertook  to  subdue  him  by  the  power  of 


Ifantasttc  Jfables  ^9 

the  human  eye ;  and  near  by  was  a  Rat- 
tlesnake engaged  in  fascinating  a  small 
bird. 

"  How  are  you  getting  on,  brother  ?  " 
the  Man  called  out  to  the  other  reptile, 
without  removing  his  eyes  from  those  of 
the  Lion. 

"  Admirably,"    replied    the     serpent. 

My  success  is  assured  ;  my  victim 
draws  nearer  and  nearer  in  spite  of  her 
efforts. ' ' 

"  And  mine,"  said  the  Man,  "  draws 
nearer  and  nearer  in  spite  of  mine.  Are 
you  sure  it  is  all  right  ?  " 

'*  If  you  don't  think  so,"  the  reptile  re- 
plied as  well  as  he  then  could,  with  his 
mouth  full  of  bird,  "  you  'd  better  give 
it  up." 

A  half-hour  later,  the  Lion,  thought- 
fully picking  his  teeth  with  his  claws,  told 
the  Rattlesnake  that  he  had  never  in  all 
his  varied  experience  in  being  subdued, 
seen  a  subduer  try  so  earnestly  to  give  it 
up.  **  But,"  he  added,  with  a  wide, 
significant  smile,  "  I  looked  him  into 
countenance." 


30  ffantastlc  ffables 

The  Man  with  No  Enemies 

An  Inoffensive  Person  walking  in  a 
public  place  was  assaulted  by  a  Stranger 
with  a  Club,  and  severely  beaten. 

When  the  Stranger  with  a  Club  was 
brought  to  trial,  the  complainant  said  to 
the  Judge: 

*'  I  do  not  know  why  I  was  assaulted; 
I  have  not  an  enemy  in  the  world." 

"  That,"  said  the  defendant,  "  is  why 
I  struck  him." 

**  Let  the  prisoner  be  discharged,"  said 
the  Judge;  "  a  man  who  has  no  enemies 
has  no  friends.  The  courts  are  not  for 
such." 

The  Alderman  and  the  Raccoon 

**  I  SEE  quite  a  number  of  rings  on  your 
tail,"  said  an  Alderman  to  a  Raccoon  that 
he  met  in  a  zoological  garden. 

"  Yes,"  replied  the  Raccoon,  "  and  I 
hear  quite  a  number  of  tales  on  your 
ring." 

The  Alderman,  being  of  a  sensitive, 
retiring  disposition,  shrank  from  further 


tfantasttc  ifables  3^ 

comparison,    and,    strolling    to    another 
part  of  the  garden,  stole  the  camel. 

The  Flying-Machine 

An  Ingenious  Man  who  had  built  a 
flying-machine  invited  a  great  concourse 
of  people  to  see  it  go  up.  At  the  ap- 
pointed moment,  everything  being  ready, 
he  boarded  the  car  and  turned  on  the 
power.  The  machine  immediately  broke 
through  the  massive  substructure  upon 
which  it  was  builded,  and  sank  out  of 
sight  into  the  earth,  the  aeronaut  springing 
out  barely  in  time  to  save  himself. 

"  Well,"  said  he,  "  I  have  done  enough 
to  demonstrate  the  correctness  of  my  de- 
tails. The  defects,"  he  added,  with  a 
look  at  the  ruined  brick-work,  "  are 
merely  basic  and  fundamental." 

Upon  this  assurance  the  people  came 
forward  with  subscriptions  to  build  a 
second  machine. 

The  Angers  Tear 

An  Unworthy  Man  who  had  laughed  at 
the  woes  of  a  Woman  whom  he  loved. 


5*  ffantasttc  Jfables 

was  bewailing  his  indiscretion  in  sack- 
cloth-of-gold  and  ashes-of-roses,  when  the 
Angel  of  Compassion  looked  down  upon 
him,  saying: 

**  Poor  mortal! — how  unblest  not  to 
know  the  wickedness  of  laughing  at 
another*s  misfortune!" 

So  saying,  he  let  fall  a  great  tear, 
which,  encountering  in  its  descent  a  cur- 
rent of  cold  air,  was  congealed  into  a  hail- 
stone. This  struck  the  Unworthy  Man 
on  the  head  and  set  him  rubbing  that 
bruised  organ  vigorously  with  one  hand 
while  vainly  attempting  to  expand  an 
umbrella  with  the  other. 

Thereat  the  Angel  of  Compassion  did 
most  shamelessly  and  wickedly  laugh. 

The  City  of  Political  Distinction 

Jamrach  the  Rich,  being  anxious  to 
reach  the  City  of  Political  Distinction  be- 
fore nightfall,  arrived  at  a  fork  of  the  road 
and  was  undecided  which  branch  to  fol- 
low; so  he  consulted  a  Wise-Looking 
Person  who  sat  by  the  wayside. 


fantastic  ^Fables  33 

"  Take  that  road,"  said  the  Wise- 
Looking  Person,  pointing  it  out;  **it  is 
known  as  the  Political  Highway." 

**  Thank  you,"  said  Jamrach,  and  was 
about  to  proceed. 

About  how  much  do  you  thank  me  ? ' ' 
was  the  reply.  **  Do  you  suppose  I  am 
here  for  my  health  ?  " 

As  Jamrach  had  not  become  rich  by 
stupidity,  he  handed  something  to  his 
guide  and  hastened  on,  and  soon  came  to 
a  toll-gate  kept  by  a  Benevolent  Gentle- 
man, to  whom  he  gave  something,  and 
was  suffered  to  pass.  A  little  farther 
along  he  came  to  a  bridge  across  an  im- 
aginary stream,  where  a  Civil  Engineer 
(who  had  built  the  bridge)  demanded 
something  for  interest  on  his  investment, 
and  it  was  forthcoming.  It  was  growing 
late  when  Jamrach  came  to  the  margin  of 
what  appeared  to  be  a  lake  of  black  ink, 
and  there  the  road  terminated.  Seeing  a 
Ferryman  in  his  boat  he  paid  something 
for  his  passage  and  was  about  to  embark. 
No,"  said  the  Ferryman.  "  Put 
your  neck  in  this  noose,  and  I  will  tow 


34  ffantasttc  jfables 

you  over.  It  is  the  only  way, ' '  he  added, 
seeing  that  the  passenger  was  about  to 
complain  of  the  accommodations. 

In  due  time  he  was  dragged  across,  half 
strangled,  and  dreadfully  beslubbered  by 
the  feculent  waters.  "  There,"  said  the 
Ferryman,  hauling  him  ashore  and  disen- 
gaging him,  *'  you  are  now  in  the  City  of 
Political  Distinction.  It  has  fifty  millions 
of  inhabitants,  and  as  the  colour  of  the 
Filthy  Pool  does  not  wash  off,  they  all 
look  exactly  alike. '  * 

**  Alas!  "  exclaimed  Jamrach,  weeping 
and  bewailing  the  loss  of  all  his  posses- 
sions, paid  out  in  tips  and  tolls;  "  I  will 
go  back  with  you." 

"  I  don't  think  you  will,"  said  the 
Ferryman,  pushing  off ;  **  this  city  is  situ- 
ated on  the  Island  of  the  Unreturning." 

The  Party  Over  There 

A  Man  in  a  Hurry,  whose  watch  was 
at  his  lawyer's,  asked  a  Grave  Person  the 
time  of  day. 

**  I  heard  you  ask  that  Party  Over 
There  the  same  question,"  said  the  Grave 


^fantastic  fables  35 

Person.  **  What  answer  did  he  give 
you  ? ' ' 

**  He  said  it  was  about  three  o'clock," 
replied  the  Man  in  a  Hurry;  "  but  he  did 
not  look  at  his  watch,  and  as  the  sun  is 
nearly  down,  I  think  it  is  later." 

**  The  fact  that  the  sun  is  nearly  down," 
the  Grave  Person  said,  **  is  immaterial, 
but  the  fact  that  he  did  not  consult  his 
timepiece  and  make  answer  after  due  de- 
liberation and  consideration  is  fatal.  The 
answer  given,"  continued  the  Grave  Per- 
son, consulting  his  own  timepiece,  '*  is  of 
no  effect,  invalid,  and  absurd." 

-'  What,  then,"  said  the  Man  in  a 
Hurry,  eagerly,  **  is  the  time  of  day  ?  " 

"  The  question  is  remanded  to  the  Party 
Over  There  for  a  new  answer,"  replied 
the  Grave  Person,  returning  his  watch  to 
his  pocket  and  moving  away  with  great 
dignity. 

He  was  a  Judge  of  an  Appellate  Court. 

The  Poetess  of  Reform 

One  pleasant  day  in  the  latter  part  of 
eternity,  as  the  Shades  of  all  the  great 


36  jfantasttc  ffables 

writers  were  reposing  upon  beds  of  aspho- 
del and  moly  in  the  Elysian  fields,  each 
happy  in  hearing  from  the  Hps  of  the 
others  nothing  but  copious  quotation  from 
his  own  works  (for  so  Jove  had  kindly  be- 
deviled their  ears),  there  came  in  among 
them  with  triumphant  mien  a  Shade 
whom  none  knew.  She  (for  the  new- 
comer showed  such  evidences  of  sex  as 
cropped  hair  and  a  manly  stride)  took  a 
seat  in  their  midst,  and  smiling  a  superior 
smile  explained : 

**  After  centuries  of  oppression  I  have 
wrested  my  rights  from  the  grasp  of  the 
jealous  gods.  On  earth  I  was  the  Poetess 
of  Reform,  and  sang  to  inattentive  ears. 
Now  for  an  eternity  of  honour  and  glory." 

But  it  was  not  to  be  so,  and  soon  she 
was  the  unhappiest  of  mortals,  vainly  de- 
sirous to  wander  again  in  gloom  by  the 
infernal  lakes.  For  Jove  had  not  be- 
deviled her  ears,  and  she  heard  from  the 
lips  of  each  blessed  Shade  an  incessant 
flow  of  quotation  from  his  own  works. 
Moreover,  she  was  denied  the  happiness 
of  repeating  her  poems.     She  could  not 


jfantasttc  ffables  37 

recall  a  line  of  them,  for  Jove  had  decreed 
that  the  memory  of  them  abide  in  Pluto's 
painful  domain,  as  a  part  of  the  apparatus. 

The  Unchanged  Diplomatist 

The  republic  of  Madagonia  had  been 
long  and  well  represented  at  the  court  of 
the  King  of  Patagascar  by  an  officer  called 
a  Dazie,  but  one  day  the  Madagonian  Par- 
liament conferred  upon  him  the  superior 
rank  of  Dandee.  The  next  day  after 
being  apprised  of  his  new  dignity  he  hast- 
ened to  inform  the  King  of  Patagascar. 

"  Ah,  yes,  I  understand,"  said  the 
King;  "  you  have  been  promoted  and 
given  increased  pay  and  allowances. 
There  was  an  appropriation?" 

"  Yes,  your  Majesty." 

**  And  you  have  now  two  heads,  have 
you  not  ?  " 

**  Oh,  no,  your  Majesty — only  one,  I 
assure  you." 

Indeed  ?     And  how  many  legs  and 
arms  ? '  * 

Two  of  each,  Sire — only  two  of  each. '  * 


38  ifantasttc  ffables 

**  And  only  one  body  ?  " 

"  Just  a  single  body,  as  you  perceive." 

Thoughtfully  removing  his  crown  and 
scratching  the  royal  head,  the  monarch 
was  silent  a  moment,  and  then  he  said : 

"  I  fancy  that  appropriation  has  been 
misapplied.  You  seem  to  be  about  the 
same  kind  of  idiot  that  you  were  before." 

An  Invitation 

A  Pious  Person  who  had  overcharged 
his  paunch  with  dead  bird  by  way  of  at- 
testing his  gratitude  for  escaping  the  many 
calamities  which  Heaven  had  sent  upon 
others,  fell  asleep  at  table  and  dreamed. 
He  thought  he  lived  in  a  country  where 
turkeys  were  the  ruling  class,  and  every 
year  they  held  a  feast  to  manifest  their 
sense  of  Heaven's  goodness  in  sparing 
their  lives  to  kill  them  later.  One  day, 
about  a  week  before  one  of  these  feasts, 
he  met  the  Supreme  Gobbler,  who 
said: 

**  You  will  please  get  yourself  into  good 
condition  for  the  Thanksgiving  dinner." 


ffantasttc  ifables  39 

*'  Yes,  your  Excellency,"  replied  the 
Pious  Person,  delighted,  "  I  shall  come 
hungry,  I  assure  you.  It  is  no  small 
privilege  to  dine  with  your  Excellency." 
.V  The  Supreme  Gobbler  eyed  him  for  a 
moment  in  silence ;  then  he  said : 

"  As  one  of  the  lower  domestic  animals, 
you  cannot  be  expected  to  know  much, 
but  you  might  know  something.  Since 
you  do  not,  you  will  permit  me  to  point 
out  that  being  asked  to  dinner  is  one 
thing;  being  asked  to  dine  is  another  and 
a  different  thing." 

With  this  significant  remark  the  Su- 
preme Gobbler  left  him,  and  thencefor- 
ward the  Pious  Person  dreamed  of  himself 
as  white  meat  and  dark  until  rudely  awak- 
ened by  decapitation. 

The  Ashes  of  Madame  Blavatsky 

The  two  brightest  lights  of  Theosophy 
being  in  the  same  place  at  once  in  com- 
pany with  the  Ashes  of  Madame  Blavat- 
sky, an  Inquiring  Soul  thought  the  time 
propitious  to  learn  something  worth  while. 


40  ifantasttc  ff ables 

So  he  sat  at  the  feet  of  one  awhile,  and 
then  he  sat  awhile  at  the  feet  of  the 
other,  and  at  last  he  applied  his  ear  to  the 
keyhole  of  the  casket  containing  the  Ashes 
of  Madame  Blavatsky.  When  the  Inquir- , 
ing  Soul  had  completed  his  course  of  in- 
struction he  declared  himself  the  Ahkoond 
of  Swat,  fell  into  the  baleful  habit  of 
standing  on  his  head,  and  swore  that  the 
mother  who  bore  him  was  a  pragmatic 
paralogism.  Wherefore  he  was  held  in 
high  reverence,  and  when  the  two  other 
gentlemen  were  hanged  for  lying  the 
Theosophists  elected  him  to  the  leader- 
ship of  their  Disastral  Body,  and  after  a 
quiet  life  and  an  honourable  death  by  the 
kick  of  a  jackass  he  was  reincarnated  as  a 
Yellow  Dog.  As  such  he  ate  the  Ashes 
of  Madame  Blavatsky,  and  Theosophy 
was  no  more. 

The  Opossum  of  the  Future 

One  day  an  Opossum  who  had  gone  to 

sleep  hanging  from  the  highest  branch  of 
a  tree  by  the  tail,  awoke  and  saw  a  large 


Ifantastic  jfables  41 

Snake  wound  about  the  limb,  between 
him  and  the  trunk  of  the  tree. 

**  If  I  hold  on,"  he  said  to  himself,  "  I 
shall  be  swallowed ;  if  I  let  go  I  shall  break 
my  neck." 

But  suddenly  he  bethought  himself  to 
dissemble. 

"  My  perfected  friend,"  he  said,  "  my 
parental  instinct  recognises  in  you  a  noble 
evidence  and  illustration  of  the  theory  of 
development.  You  are  the  Opossum  of 
the  Future,  the  ultimate  Fittest  Survivor 
of  our  species,  the  ripe  result  of  progress- 
ive prehensility — all  tail !  ' ' 

But  the  Snake,  proud  of  his  ancient 
eminence  in  Scriptural  history,  was  strictly 
orthodox,  and  did  not  accept  the  scientific 
view. 

The  Life-Savers 

Seventy-five  Men  presented  them- 
selves before  the  President  of  the  Humane 
Society  and  demanded  the  great  gold 
medal  for  life-saving. 

"  Why,  yes,"  said  the  President;  "  by 


42  JFantastic  JFables 

diligent  effort  so  many  men  must  have 
saved  a  considerable  number  of  lives. 
How  many  di'd  you  save  ?  " 

"  Seventy-five,  sir,"  replied  their 
Spokesman. 

"  Ah,  yes,  that  is  one  each — very  good 
work  —  very  good  work,  indeed,"  the 
President  said.  "  You  shall  not  only 
have  the  Society's  great  gold  medal,  but 
its  recommendation  for  employment  at 
the  various  life-boat  stations  along  the 
coast.  But  how  did  you  save  so  many 
lives?" 

The  Spokesman  of  the  Men  replied  : 
We  are  officers  of  the  law,  and  have 
just  returned    from   the   pursuit   of   two 
murderous  outlaws." 

The  Australian  Grasshopper 

A  Distinguished  Naturalist  was  trav- 
elling in  Australia,  when  he  saw  a  Kanga- 
roo in  session  and  flung  a  stone  at  it.  The 
Kangaroo  immediately  adjourned,  tracing 
against  the  sunset  sky  a  parabolic  curve 
spanning  seven  provinces,  and  evanished 


jfantasttc  ffables  43 

below  the  horizon.  The  Distinguished 
Naturalist  looked  interested,  but  said 
nothing  for  an  hour;  then  he  said  to  his 
native  Guide: 

"  You  have  pretty  wide  meadows  here, 
I  suppose  ?  " 

*'  No,  not  very  wide,"  the  Guide  an- 
swered; "  about  the  same  as  in  England 
and  America." 

After  another  long  silence  the  Distin- 
guished Naturalist  said : 

"  The  hay  which  we  shall  purchase  for 
our  horses  this  evening — I  shall  expect  to 
find  the  stalks  about  fifty  feet  long.  Am 
I  right  ?" 

"  Why,  no,"  said  the  Guide;  "  a  foot 
or  two  is  about  the  usual  length  of  our 
hay.     What  can  you  be  thinking  of  ?  " 

The  Distinguished  Naturalist  made  no 
immediate  reply,  but  later,  as  in  the 
shades  of  night  they  journeyed  through 
the  desolate  vastness  of  the  Great  Lone 
Land,  he  broke  the  silence : 

**  I  was  thinking,"  he  said,  **  of  the 
uncommon  magnitude  of  that  grass- 
liopper." 


44  ffantasttc  ffables 

The  Pavior 

An  Author  saw  a  Labourer  hammering 
stones  into  the  pavement  of  a  street,  and 
approaching  him  said : 

My  friend,  you  seem  weary.     Ambi- 
tion is  a  hard  taskmaster." 

"  I  'm  working  for  Mr.  Jones,  sir,"  the 
Labourer  replied. 

' '  Well,  cheer  up, ' '  the  Author  resumed  ; 
"  fame  comes  at  the  most  unexpected 
times.  To-day  you  are  poor,  obscure, 
and  disheartened,  and  to-morrow  the 
world  may  be  ringing  with  your  name." 

"  What  are  you  giving  me  ?  "  the  La- 
bourer said.  "  Cannot  an  honest  pavior 
perform  his  work  in  peace,  and  get  his 
money  for  it,  and  his  living  by  it,  without 
others  talking  rot  about  ambition  and 
hopes  of  fame  ?  " 

"  Cannot  an  honest  writer  ?  "  said  the 
Author. 

The  Tried  Assassin 

An  Assassin  being  put  upon  trial  in  a 
New  England  court,  his  Counsel  rose  and 


IFantasttc  jf  ables  45 

said:  **  Your  Honour,  I  move  for  a  dis- 
charge on  the  ground  of  '  once  in  jeo- 
pardy ' :  my  client  has  been  already  tried 
for  that  murder  and  acquitted." 

**  In  what  court  ?  "  asked  the  Judge. 

"  In  the  Superior  Court  of  San  Fran- 
cisco," the  Counsel  replied. 

**  Let  the  trial  proceed — your  motion  is 
denied,"  said  the  Judge.  **  An  Assassin 
is  not  in  jeopardy  when  tried  in  Cali- 
fornia. ' ' 

The  Bumbo  of  Jiam 

The  Pahdour  of  Patagascar  and  the 
Gookul  of  Madagonia  were  disputing 
about  an  island  which  both  claimed. 
Finally,  at  the  suggestion  of  the  Inter- 
national League  of  Cannon  Founders, 
which  had  important  branches  in  both 
countries,  they  decided  to  refer  their 
claims  to  the  Bumbo  of  Jiam,  and  abide 
by  his  judgment.  In  settling  the  pre- 
liminaries of  the  arbitration  they  had, 
however,  the  misfortune  to  disagree,  and 
appealed  to  arms.     At  the  end  of  a  long 


46  ffantastic  tables 

and  disastrous  war,  when  both  sides  were 
exhausted  and  bankrupt,  the  Bumbo  of 
Jiam  intervened  in  the  interest  of  peace. 

My  great  and  good  friends,"  he  said 
to  his  brother  sovereigns,  **  it  will  be 
advantageous  to  you  to  learn  that  some 
questions  are  more  complex  and  perilous 
than  others,  presenting  a  greater  number 
of  points  upon  which  it  is  possible  to 
differ.  For  four  generations  your  royal 
predecessors  disputed  about  possession  of 
that  island,  without  falling  out.  Beware, 
oh,  beware  the  perils  of  international 
arbitration! — against  which  I  feel  it  my 
duty  to  protect  you  henceforth." 

So  saying,  he  annexed  both  countries, 
and  after  a  long,  peaceful,  and  happy 
reign  was  poisoned  by  his  Prime  Minister. 

The  Two  Poets 

Two  Poets  were  quarrelling  for  the 
Apple  of  Discord  and  the  Bone  of  Con- 
tention, for  they  were  very  hungry. 

**  My  sons,"  said  Apollo,  "  I  will  part 
the  prizes  between  you.     * '  You, ' '  he  said 


^Fantastic  fables  47 

to  the  First  Poet,  "  excel  in  Art — take 
the  Apple.  And  you,"  he  said  to  the 
Second  Poet,  **  in  Imagination — take  the 
Bone." 

**  To  Art  the  best  prize !  "  said  the  First 
Poet,  triumphantly,  and  endeavouring  to 
devour  his  award  broke  all  his  teeth.  The 
Apple  was  a  work  of  Art. 

**  That  shows  our  Master's  contempt  for 
mere  Art,"  said  the  Second  Poet,  grin- 
ning. 

Thereupon  he  attempted  to  gnaw  his 
Bone,  but  his  teeth  passed  through  it 
without  resistance.  It  was  an  imaginary 
Bone. 

The  Thistles  upon  the  Grave 

A  Mind  Reader  made  a  wager  that  he 
would  be  buried  alive  and  remain  so  for 
six  months,  then  be  dug  up  alive.  In 
order  to  secure  the  grave  against  secret 
disturbance,  it  was  sown  with  thistles. 
At  the  end  of  three  months,  the  Mind 
Reader  lost  his  money.  He  had  come  up 
to  eat  the  thistles. 


48  ffantastic  jfables 

The  Shadow  of  the  Leader 

A  Political  Leader  was  walking  out 
one  sunny  day,  when  he  observed  his 
Shadow  leaving  him  and  walking  rapidly 
away. 

"  Come  back  here,  you  scoundrel,"  he 
cried. 

**  If  I  had  been  a  scoundrel,"  answered 
the  Shadow,  increasing  its  speed,  "  I 
should  not  have  left  you." 

The  Sagacious  Rat 

A  Rat  that  was  about  to  emerge  from 
his  hole  caught  a  glimpse  of  a  Cat  waiting 
for  him,  and  descending  to  the  colony  at 
the  bottom  of  the  hole  invited  a  Friend 
to  join  him  in  a  visit  to  a  neighbouring 
corn-bin.  **  I  would  have  gone  alone," 
he  said,  *'  but  could  not  deny  myself  the 
pleasure  of  such  distinguished  company." 

"  Very  well,"  said  the  Friend,  "  I 
will  go  with  you.     Lead  on." 

' '  Lead  ? "  exclaimed  the  other.  "  What ! 
/  precede  so  great  and  illustrious  a  rat  as 
you  ?  No,  indeed — after  you,  sir,  after 
you." 


fantastic  ifables  49 

Pleased  with  this  great  show  of  defer- 
ence, the  Friend  went  ahead,  and,  leaving 
the  hole  first,  was  caught  by  the  Cat,  who 
immediately  trotted  away  with  him.  The 
other  then  went  out  unmolested. 

The  Member  and  the  Soap 

A  MEMBER  of  the  Kansas  Legislature 
meeting  a  Cake  of  Soap  was  passing  it  by 
without  recognition,  but  the  Cake  of  So.ap 
insisted  on  stopping  and  shaking  hands. 
Thinking  it  might  possibly  be  in  the  en- 
joyment of  the  elective  franchise,  he  gave 
it  a  cordial  and  earnest  grasp.  On  letting 
it  go  he  observed  that  a  portion  of  it 
adhered  to  his  fingers,  and  running  to  a 
brook  in  great  alarm  he  proceeded  to  wash 
it  off.  In  doing  so  he  necessarily  got 
some  on  the  other  hand,  and  when  he  had 
finished  washing,  both  were  so  white  that 
he  went  to  bed  and  sent  for  a  physician. 

Alarm  and  Pride 

"  Good-morning,  my  friend,"  said 
Alarm  to  Pride ;  *'  how  are  you  this  morn- 
ing ?  " 


50  fantastic  Jfables 

"  Very  tired,"  replied  Pride,  seating 
himself  on  a  stone  by  the  wayside  and 
mopping  his  steaming  brow.  "  The 
politicians  are  wearing  me  out  by  point- 
ing to  their  dirty  records  with  me,  when 
they  could  as  well  use  a  stick." 

Alarm  sighed  sympathetically,  and  said : 
It  is  pretty  much  the  same  way  here. 
Instead  of  using  an  opera-glass  they  view 
the  acts  of  their  opponents  with  me  !  " 

As  these  patient  drudges  were  mingling 
their  tears,  they  were  notified  that  they 
must  go  on  duty  again,  for  one  of  the 
political  parties  had  nominated  a  thief 
and  was  about  to  hold  a  gratification 
meeting. 

A  Causeway 

A  Rich  Woman  having  returned  from 
abroad  disembarked  at  the  foot  of  Knee- 
deep  Street,  and  was  about  to  walk  to  her 
hotel  through  the  mud. 

"  Madam,"  said  a  Policeman,  "  I  can- 
not permit  you  to  do  that ;  you  would  soil 
your  shoes  and  stockings." 


fantastic  jfables  51 

"  Oh,  that  is  of  no  importance,  really," 
replied  the  Rich  Woman,  with  a  cheerful 
smile. 

"  But,  madam,  it  is  needless;  from  the 
wharf  to  the  hotel,  as  you  observe,  ex- 
tends an  unbroken  line  of  prostrate  news- 
paper men  who  crave  the  honour  of  having 
you  walk  upon  them." 

"  In  that  case,"  she  said,  seating  her- 
self in  a  doorway  and  unlocking  her 
satchel,  "  I  shall  have  to  put  on  my  rub- 
ber boots." 

Two  in  Trouble 

Meeting  a  fat  and  patriotic  Statesman 
on  his  way  to  Washington  to  beseech  the 
President  for  an  office,  an  idle  Tramp  ac- 
costed him  and  begged  twenty-five  cents 
with  which  to  buy  a  suit  of  clothes. 

"  Melancholy  wreck,"  said  the  States- 
man, "  what  brought  you  to  this  state  of 
degradation  ?     Liquor,  I  suppose." 

"  I  am  temperate  to  the  verge  of  ab- 
surdity, ' '  replied  the  Tramp.  '  *  My  foible 
was  patriotism ;  I  was  ruined  by  the  bane- 


54  jfantastic  fables 

ful  habit  of  trying  to  serve  my  country. 
What  ruined  you  ?  " 
"  Indolence." 

The  Witch's  Steed 

A  Broomstick  which  had  long  served 
a  witch  as  a  steed  complained  of  the 
nature  of  its  employment,  which  it 
thought  degrading. 

''  Very  well,"  said  the  Witch,  "  I  will 
give  you  work  in  which  you  will  be  asso- 
ciated with  intellect — you  will  come  in 
contact  with  brains.  I  shall  present  you 
to  a  housewife." 

*'  What!"  said  the  Broomstick,  "  do 
you  consider  the  hands  of  a  housewife  in- 
tellectual ? " 

**  I  referred,"  said  the  Witch,  "  to  the 
head  of  her  good  man." 

The  All  Dog 

A  Lion  seeing  a  Poodle  fell  into  laugh- 
ter at  the  ridiculous  spectacle. 

"  Who  ever  saw  so  small  a  beast  ?  "  he 
said. 


JFantasttc  ffables  53 

**  It  is  very  true,"  said  the  Poodle,  with 
austere  dignity,  "  that  I  am  small;  but, 
sir,  I  beg  to  observe  that  I  am  all  dog. ' ' 

The  Farmer's  Friend 

A  Great  Philanthropist  who  had 
thought  of  himself  in  connection  with  the 
Presidency  and  had  introduced  a  bill  into 
Congress  requiring  the  Government  to 
loan  every  voter  all  the  money  that  he 
needed,  on  his  personal  security,  was  ex- 
plaining to  a  Sunday-school  at  a  railway 
station  how  much  he  had  done  for  the 
country,  when  an  angel  looked  down  from 
Heaven  and  wept. 

'*  For  example,"  said  the  Great  Philan- 
thropist, watching  the  teardrops  pattering 
in  the  dust,  **  these  early  rains  are  of  in- 
calculable advantage  to  the  farmer." 

Physicians  Two 

A  Wicked  Old  Man  finding  himself  ill 
sent  for  a  Physician,  who  prescribed  for 
him  and  went  away.  Then  the  Wicked 
Old  Man  sent  for  another  Physician,  say- 


54  Ifantasttc  ifables 

ing  nothing  of  the  first,  and  an  entirely 
different  treatment  was  ordered.  This 
continued  for  some  weeks,  the  physicians 
visiting  him  on  alternate  days  and  treating 
him  for  two  different  disorders,  with  con- 
stantly enlarging  doses  of  medicine  and 
more  and  more  rigorous  nursing.  But 
one  day  they  accidently  met  at  his  bed- 
side while  he  slept,  and  the  truth  coming 
out  a  violent  quarrel  ensued. 

"  My  good  friends,"  said  the  patient, 
awakened  by  the  noise  of  the  dispute, 
and  apprehending  the  cause  of  it,  **  pray 
be  more  reasonable.  If  I  could  for  weeks 
endure  you  both,  can  you  not  for  a  little 
while  endure  each  other  ?  I  have  been 
well  for  ten  days,  but  have  remained  in 
bed  in  the  hope  of  gaining  by  repose  the 
strength  that  would  justify  me  in  taking 
your  medicines.  So  far  I  have  touched 
none  of  it." 

The  Overlooked  Factor 

A  Man  that  owned  a  fine  Dog,  and  by 
a  careful  3election  of  its  mate  h^i  fer^d,  a 


jpantastic  fables  55 

number  of  animals  but  a  little  lower  than 
the  angels,  fell  in  love  with  his  washer- 
woman, married  her,  and  reared  a  family 
of  dolts. 

**  Alas!  "  he  exclaimed,  contemplating 
the  melancholy  result,  "  had  I  but  chosen 
a  mate  for  myself  with  half  the  care  that 
I  did  for  my  Dog  I  should  now  be  a  proud 
and  happy  father." 

"  I  'm  not  so  sure  of  that,"  said  the 
Dog,  overhearing  the  lament.  **  There  's 
a  difference,  certainly,  between  your 
whelps  and  mine,  but  I  venture  to  flatter 
myself  that  it  is  not  due  altogether  to  the 
mothers.  You  and  I  are  not  entirely 
alike  ourselves." 

A  Racial  Parallel 

Some  White  Christians  engaged  in  driv- 
ing Chinese  Heathens  out  of  an  American 
town  found  a  newspaper  published  in 
Peking  in  the  Chinese  tongue,  and  com- 
pelled one  of  their  victims  to  translate  an 
editorial.  It  turned  out  to  be  an  appeal 
to  the  people  of  the  Province  of  Pang  Ki 


56  iFantasttc  ffables 

to  drive  the  foreign  devils  out  of  the 
country  and  burn  their  dwellings  and 
churches.  At  this  evidence  of  Mongolian 
barbarity  the  White  Christians  were  so 
greatly  incensed  that  they  carried  out 
their  original  design. 

The  Honest  Cadi 

A  Robber  who  had  plundered  a  Mer- 
chant of  one  thousand  pieces  of  gold  was 
taken  before  the  Cadi,  who  asked  him  if 
he  had  anything  to  say  why  he  should 
not  be  decapitated. 

*'  Your  Honour,"  said  the  Robber,  "  I 
could  do  no  otherwise  than  take  the 
money,  for  Allah  made  me  that  way." 

"  Your  defence  is  ingenious  and 
sound,"  said  the  Cadi,  "  and  I  must  ac- 
quit you  of  criminality.  Unfortunately, 
Allah  has  made  me  so  that  I  must  also 
take  off  your  head — unless,"  he  added, 
thoughtfully,  **  you  offer  me  half  of  the 
gold ;  for  He  made  me  weak  under  tempt- 
ation." 

Thereupon  the  Robber  put  five  hundred 
pieces  of  gold  into  the  Cadi's  hand. 


JFantasttc  ffables  57 

**  Good,"  said  the  Cadi.  "I  shall  now 
remove  but  one  half  your  head.  To  show 
my  trust  in  your  discretion  I  shall  leave 
intact  the  half  you  talk  with. ' ' 

The  Kangaroo  and  the  Zebra 

A  Kangaroo  hopping  awkwardly  along 
with  some  bulky  object  concealed  in  her 
pouch  met  a  Zebra,  and  desirous  of  keep- 
ing his  attention  upon  himself,  said : 

"  Your  costume  looks  as  if  you  might 
have  come  out  of  the  penitentiary." 

"  Appearances  are  deceitful,"  replied 
the  Zebra,  smiling  in  the  consciousness  of 
a  more  insupportable  wit,  "  or  I  should 
have  to  think  that  you  had  come  out  of 
the  Legislature." 

A  Matter  of  Method 

A  Philosopher  seeing  a  Fool  beating 
his  Donkey,  said : 

**  Abstain,  my  son,  abstain,  I  implore. 
Those  who  resort  to  violence  shall  suffer 
from  violence." 


58  jfantasttc  ffables 

"  That,"  said  the  Fool,  diligently  be- 
labouring the  animal,  "  is  what  I  'm  try- 
ing to  teach  this  beast — which  has  kicked 
me." 

Doubtless,"  said  the  Philosopher  to 
himself,  as  he  walked  away,  **  the  wisdom 
of  fools  is  no  deeper  nor  truer  than  ours, 
but  they  really  do  seem  to  have  a  more 
impressive  way  of  imparting  it." 

The  Man  of  Principle 

During  a  shower  of  rain  the  Keeper  of 
a  Zoological  garden  observed  a  Man  of 
Principle  crouching  beneath  the  belly 
of  the  ostrich,  which  had  drawn  itself  up 
to  its  full  height  to  sleep. 

Why,  my  dear  sir,"  said  the  Keeper, 
"  if  you  fear  to  get  wet,  you  'd  better 
creep  into  the  pouch  of  yonder  female 
kangaroo — the  Saltarix  mackintosha — for 
if  that  ostrich  wakes  he  will  kick  you  to 
death  in  a  minute." 

**  I  can't  help  that,"  the  Man  of  Prin- 
ciple replied,  with  that  lofty  scorn  of 
practical  considerations  distinguishing  hjs 


jfantasttc  ifables  59 

species.  **  He  may  kick  me  to  death  if 
he  wish,  but  until  he  does  he  shall  give 
me  shelter  from  the  storm.  He  has  swal- 
lowed my  umbrella." 

The  Returned  Californian 

A  Man  was  hanged  by  the  neck  until 
he  was  dead. 

**  Whence  do  you  come  ? "  Saint  Peter 
asked  when  the  Man  presented  himself  at 
the  gate  of  Heaven. 

"  From  California,"  replied  the  appli- 
cant. 

**  Enter,  my  son,  enter;  you  bring  joy- 
ous tidings." 

When  the  Man  had  vanished  inside, 
Saint  Peter  took  his  memorandum-tablet 
and  made  the  following  entry : 

"  February  i6,  1893.  California  occu- 
pied by  the  Christians." 

The  Compassionate  Physician 

A  Kind-hearted  Physician  sitting  at 
the  bedside  of  a  patient  afflicted  with  an 


6o  fantastic  ffablcs 

incurable  and  painful  disease,  heard  a 
noise  behind  him,  and  turning  saw  a  cat 
laughing  at  the  feeble  efforts  of  a  wounded 
mouse  to  drag  itself  out  of  the  room. 

"  You  cruel  beast!  "  cried  he.  "  Why 
don't  you  kill  it  at  once,  like  a  lady  ? " 

Rising,  he  kicked  the  cat  out  of  the 
door,  and  picking  up  the  mouse  compas- 
sionately put  it  out  of  its  misery  by  pull- 
ing off  its  head.  Recalled  to  the  bedside 
by  the  moans  of  his  patient,  the  Kind- 
hearted  Physician  administered  a  stimu- 
lant, a  tonic,  and  a  nutrient,  and  went 
away. 

Two  of  the  Damned 

Two  Blighted  Beings,  haggard,  lachry- 
mose, and  detested,  met  on  a  blasted 
heath  in  the  light  of  a  struggling  moon. 

**  I  wish  you  a  merry  Christmas,"  said 
the  First  Blighted  Being,  in  a  voice  like 
that  of  a  singing  tomb. 

"  And  I  you  a  happy  New  Year,"  re- 
sponded the  Second  Blighted  Being,  with 
the  accent  of  a  penitent  accordeon. 


jfantasttc  ffables  6t 

They  then  fell  upon  each  other's  neck 
and  wept  scalding  rills  down  each  other's 
spine  in  token  of  their  banishment  to  the 
Realm  of  Ineffable  Bosh.  For  one  of 
these  accursed  creatures  was  the  First  of 
January,  and  the  other  the  Twenty-fifth 
of  December. 

The  Austere  Governor 

A  Governor  visiting  a  State  prison 
was  implored  by  a  Convict  to  pardon  him. 

"What  are  you  in  for?"  asked  the 
Governor. 

"  I  held  a  high  office,"  the  Convict 
humbly  replied,  "  and  sold  subordinate 
appointments." 

"  Then  I  decline  to  interfere,"  said  the 
Governor,  with  asperity;  "  a  man  who 
abuses  his  office  by  making  it  serve  a 
private  end  and  purvey  a  personal  advant- 
age is  unfit  to  be  free.  By  the  way,  Mr. 
Warden,"  he  added  to  that  official,  as  the 
Convict  slunk  away,  **  in  appointing  you 
to  this  position,  I  was  given  to  understand 
that  your  friends  could  make  the  Shikane 


^2  ifantasttc  jfables 

county  delegation  to  the  next  State  con- 
vention solid  for — for  the  present  Admin- 
istration.    Was  I  rightly  informed  ?  " 

**  You  were,  sir." 

"  Very  well,  then,  I  will  bid  you  good- 
day.  Please  be  so  good  as  to  appoint  my 
nephew  Night  Chaplain  and  Reminder  of 
Mothers  and  Sisters." 

Religions  of  Error 

Hearing  a  sound  of  strife,  a  Christian 
in  the  Orient  asked  his  Dragoman  the 
cause  of  it. 

"  The  Buddhists  are  cutting  Moham- 
medan throats,"  the  Dragoman  replied, 
with  oriental  composure. 

"  I  did  not  know,"  remarked  the  Christ- 
ian, with  scientific  interest,  **  that  that 
would  make  so  much  noise." 

"  The  Mohammedans  are  cutting  Bud- 
dhist throats,  too,"  added  the  Drago- 
man. 

"  It  is  astonishing,"  mused  the  Chris- 
tian, "  how  violent  and  how  general  are 
religious  animosities.      Everywhere  in  the 


ffantasttc  ffablea  6s 

world  the  devotees  of  each  local  faith 
abhor  the  devotees  of  every  other,  and 
abstain  from  murder  only  so  long  as  they 
dare  not  commit  it.  And  the  strangest 
thing  about  it  is  that  all  religions  are 
erroneous  and  mischievous  excepting 
mine.  Mine,  thank  God,  is  true  and 
benign." 

So  saying  he  visibly  smugged  and  went 
off  to  telegraph  for  a  brigade  of  cutthroats 
to  protect  Christian  interests. 

The  Penitent  Elector 

A  Person  belonging  to  the  Society 
for  Passing  Resolutions  of  Respect  for 
the  Memory  of  Deceased  Members  hav- 
ing died  received  the  customary  atten- 
tion. 

"  Good  Heavens!  "  exclaimed  a  Sover- 
eign Elector,  on  hearing  the  resolutions 
read,  **  what  a  loss  to  the  nation!  And 
to  think  that  I  once  voted  against  that 
angel  for  Inspector  of  Gate-latches  in 
Public  Squares!  " 

In  remorse  the  Sovereign  Elector  de- 


64  jfantastlc  fables 

prived   himself   of  political  influence  by 
learning  to  read. 

The  Tail  of  the  Sphinx 

A  Dog  of  a  taciturn  disposition  said  to 
his  Tail : 

"  Whenever  I  am  angry,  you  rise  and 
bristle;  when  I  am  pleased,  you  wag; 
when  I  am  alarmed,  you  tuck  yourself  in 
out  of  danger.  You  are  too  mercurial — 
you  disclose  all  my  emotions.  My  notion 
is  that  tails  are  given  to  conceal  thought. 
It  is  my  dearest  ambition  to  be  as  impas- 
sive as  the  Sphinx." 

"  My  friend,  you  must  recognise  the 
laws  and  limitations  of  your  being,"  re- 
plied the  Tail,  with  flexions  appropriate 
to  the  sentiments  uttered,  "  and  try  to  be 
great  some  other  way.  The  Sphinx  has 
one  hundred  and  fifty  qualifications  for 
impassiveness  which  you  lack." 

**  What  are  they  ?  "  the  Dog  asked. 

"  One  hundred  and  forty-nine  tons  of 
sand  on  her  tail." 

-And ?" 

"  A  stone  tail." 


Ifantasttc  jfables  65 

A  Prophet  of  Evil 

An  Undertaker  Who  Was  a  Member  of 
a  Trust  saw  a  Man  Leaning  on  a  Spade, 
and  asked  him  why  he  was  not  at  Avork. 

**  Because,"  said  the  Man  Leaning  on 
a  Spade,  **  I  belong  to  the  Gravediggers' 
National  Extortion  Society,  and  we  have 
decided  to  limit  the  production  of  graves 
and  get  more  money  for  the  reduced  out- 
put. We  have  a  corner  in  graves  and  pro- 
pose to  work  it  to  the  best  advantage." 

"  My  friend,"  said  the  Undertaker 
Who  Was  a  Member  of  a  Trust,  "  this  is 
a  most  hateful  and  injurious  scheme.  If 
people  cannot  be  assured  of  graves,  I  fear 
they  will  no  longer  die,  and  the  best  in- 
terests of  civilisation  will  wither  like  a 
frosted  leaf. '  * 

And  blowing  his  eyes  upon  his  hand- 
kerchief, he  walked  away  lamenting. 

The  Crew  of  the  Life-boat 

The  Gallant  Crew  at  a  life-saving  sta- 
tion were  about  to  launch  their  life-boat 


66  fantastic  ^fables 

for  a  spin  along  the  coast  when  they  dis- 
covered, but  a  little  distance  away,  a  cap- 
sized vessel  with  a  dozen  men  clinging  to 
her  keel. 

"  We  are  fortunate,"  said  the  Gal- 
lant Crew,  "  to  have  seen  that  in  time. 
Our  fate  might  have  been  the  same  as 
theirs." 

So  they  hauled  the  life-boat  back  into 
its  house,  and  were  spared  to  the  service 
of  their  country. 

A  Treaty  of  Peace 

Through  massacres  of  each  other's 
citizens  China  and  the  United  States  had 
been  four  times  plunged  into  devastating 
wars,  when,  in  the  year  1994,  arose  a 
Philosospher  in  Madagascar,  who  laid 
before  the  Governments  of  the  two  dis- 
tracted countries  the  following  modus 
Vivendi  : 

**  Massacres  are  to  be  sternly  forbidden, 
as  heretofore ;  but  any  citizen  or  subject 
of  either  country  disobeying  the  injunc- 
tion is  to  detach  the  scalps  of  all  persons 


IFantastic  ffables  e^ 

massacred  and  deposit  them  with  a  local 
officer  designated  to  receive  and  preserve 
them  and  sworn  to  keep  and  render  a  true 
account  thereof.  At  the  conclusion  of 
each  massacre  in  either  country,  or  as 
soon  thereafter  as  practicable,  or  at  stated 
regular  periods,  as  may  be  provided  by 
treaty,  there  shall  be  an  exchange  of 
scalps  between  the  two  Governments, 
scalp  for  scalp,  without  regard  to  sex  or 
age ;  the  Government  having  the  greatest 
number  is  to  be  taxed  on  the  excess  at  the 
rate  of  $1000  a  scalp,  and  the  other  Gov- 
ernment credited  with  the  amount.  Once 
in  every  decade  there  shall  be  a  general 
settlement,  when  the  balance  due  shall  be 
paid  to  the  creditor  nation  in  Mexican 
dollars." 

The  plan  was  adopted,  the  necessary 
treaty  made,  with  legislation  to  carry 
out  its  provisions;  the  Madagascarene 
Philosopher  took  his  seat  in  the  Tem- 
ple of  Immortality,  and  Peace  spread 
her  white  wings  over  the  two  nations, 
to  the  unspeakable  defiling  of  her  plum- 
age. 


68  jfantastic  ffables 

The  Nightside  of  Character 

A  Gifted  and  Honourable  Editor,  who 
by  practice  of  his  profession  had  acquired 
wealth  and  distinction,  applied  to  an  Old 
Friend  for  the  hand  of  his  daughter  in 
marriage. 

"  With  all  my  heart,  and  God  bless 
you!  "  said  the  Old  Friend,  grasping  him 
by  both  hands.  "  It  is  a  greater  honour 
than  I  had  dared  to  hope  for." 

I  knew  what  your  answer  would  be," 
replied  the  Gifted  and  Honourable  Editor. 
**  And  yet,"  he  added,  with  a  sly  smile, 
**  I  feel  that  I  ought  to  give  you  as  much 
knowledge  of  my  character  as  I  possess. 
In  this  scrap-book  is  such  testimony  re- 
lating to  my  shady  side,  as  I  have  within 
the  past  ten  years  been  able  to  cut  from 
the  columns  of  my  competitors  in  the 
business  of  elevating  humanity  to  a  higher 
plane  of  mind  and  morals — my  '  loathsome 
contemporaries.'  " 

Laying  the  book  on  a  table,  he  with- 
drew in  high  spirits  to  make  arrangements 
for  the  wedding.     Three  days  later  he  re- 


jfantastlc  ffables  69 

ceived  the  scrap-book  from  a  messenger, 
with  a  note  warning  him  never  again  to 
darken  his  Old  Friend's  door. 

"See!"  the  Gifted  and  Honourable 
Editor  exclaimed,  pointing  to  that  injunc- 
tion— "  I  am  a  painter  and  grainer!  " 

And  he  was  led  away  to  the  Asylum  for 
the  Indiscreet. 

The  Faithful  Cashier 

The  Cashier  of  a  bank  having  defaulted 
was  asked  by  the  Directors  what  he  had 
done  with  the  money  taken. 

"  I  am  greatly  surprised  by  such  a 
question,"  said  the  Cashier;  "  it  sounds 
as  if  you  suspected  me  of  selfishness. 
Gentlemen,  I  applied  that  money  to  the 
purpose  for  which  I  took  it ;  I  paid  it  as 
an  initiation  fee  and  one  year's  dues  in 
advance  to  the  Treasurer  of  the  Cashiers' 
Mutual  Defence  Association." 

**  What  is  the  object  of  that  organisa- 
tion ?  "  the  Directors  inquired. 

"  When  any  one  of  its  members  is 
under   suspicion,"    replied    the    Cashier, 


70  ffantasttc  ffables 

"  the  Association  undertakes  to  clear  his 
character  by  submitting  evidence  that  he 
was  never  a  prominent  member  of  any- 
church,  nor  foremost  in  Sunday-school 
work." 

Recognising  the  value  to  the  bank  of 
a  spotless  reputation  for  its  officers,  the 
President  drew  his  check  for  the  amount 
of  the  shortage  and  the  Cashier  was  re- 
stored to  favour. 

The  Circular  Clew 

A  Detective  searching  for  the  mur- 
derer of  a  dead  man  was  accosted  by  a 
Clew. 

"  Follow  me,"  said  the  Clew,  "  and 
there  's  no  knowing  what  you  may  dis- 
cover. ' ' 

So  the  Detective  followed  the  Clew  a 
whole  year  through  a  thousand  sinuosities, 
and  at  last  found  himself  in  the  office  of 
the  Morgue. 

**  There!  "  said  the  Clew,  pointing  to 
the  open  register. 

The  Detective  eagerly  scanned  the 
page,  and  found  an  official  statement  that 


fantastic  jfables  71 

the  deceased  was  dead.  Thereupon  he 
hastened  to  Police  Headquarters  to  report 
progress.  The  Clew,  meanwhile,  saun- 
tered among  the  busy  haunts  of  men,  arm 
in  arm  with  an  Ingenious  Theory." 

The  Devoted  Widow 

A  Widow  weeping  on  her  husband's 
grave  was  approached  by  an  Engaging 
Gentleman  who,  in  a  respectful  manner, 
assured  her  that  he  had  long  entertained 
for  her  the  most  tender  feelings. 

'  *  Wretch ! ' '  cried  the  Widow.  *  *  Leave 
me  this  instant !  Is  this  a  time  to  talk  to 
me  of  love  ?  " 

"  I  assure  you,  madam,  that  I  had  not 
intended  to  disclose  my  affection,"  the 
Engaging  Gentleman  humbly  explained, 
"  but  the  power  of  your  beauty  has  over- 
come my  discretion." 

"  You  should  see  me  when  I  have  not 
been  crying, ' '  said  the  Widow. 

The  Hardy  Patriots 

A  Dispenser- Elect  of  Patronage  gave 
notice  through  the  newspapers  that  ap- 


72  jfantastic  ffables 

plicants  for  places  would  be  given  none 
until  he  should  assume  the  duties  of  his 
office. 

**  You  are  exposing  yourself  to  a  grave 
danger,"  said  a  Lawyer. 

How  so  ?  "  the  Dispenser-Elect  in- 
quired. 

It  will  be  nearly  two  months,"  the 
Lawyer  answered,  "  before  the  day  that 
you  mention.  Few  patriots  can  live  so 
long  without  eating,  and  some  of  the  ap- 
plicants will  be  compelled  to  go  to  work 
in  the  meantime.  If  that  kills  them,  you 
will  be  liable  to  prosecution  for  murder." 

"  You  underrate  their  powers  of  endur- 
ance," the  official  replied. 

"What!"  said  the  Lawyer,  "you 
think  they  can  stand  work  ?  " 

"  No,"  said  the  other — "  hunger." 

The  Humble  Peasant 

An  Office  Seeker  whom  the  President 
had  ordered  out  of  Washington  was  water- 
ing the  homeward  highway  with  his  tears. 

"  Ah,"    he    said,    "  how   disastrous  is 


fantastic  fables  73 

ambition!  how  unsatisfying  its  rewards! 
how  terrible  its  disappointments !  Behold 
yonder  peasant  tilling  his  field  in  peace 
and  contentment !  He  rises  with  the  lark, 
passes  the  day  in  wholesome  toil,  and  lies 
down  at  night  to  pleasant  dreams.  In 
the  mad  struggle  for  place  and  power  he 
has  no  part ;  the  roar  of  the  strife  reaches 
his  ear  like  the  distant  murmur  of  the 
ocean.  Happy,  thrice  happy  man !  I  will 
approach  him  and  bask  in  the  sunshine 
of  his  humble  felicity.    Peasant,  all  hail !  " 

Leaning  upon  his  rake,  the  Peasant  re- 
turned the  salutation  with  a  nod,  but  said 
nothing. 

"  My  friend,"  said  the  Office  Seeker, 
"  you  see  before  you  the  wreck  of  an  am- 
bitious man — ruined  by  the  pursuit  of 
place  and  power.  This  morning  when  I 
set  out  from  the  national  capital " 

**  Stranger,"  the  Peasant  interrupted, 
"  if  you  're  going  back  there  soon  maybe 
you  would  n't  mind  using  your  influence 
to  make  me  Postmaster  at  Smith's  Cor- 
ners." 

The  traveller  passed  on. 


74  ffantasttc  ffables 

The  Various  Delegation 

The  King  of  Wideout  having  been 
offered  the  sovereignty  of  Wayoff,  sent  for 
the  Three  Persons  who  had  made  the 
offer,  and  said  to  them : 

**  I  am  extremely  obliged  to  you,  but 
before  accepting  so  great  a  responsibility 
I  must  ascertain  the  sentiments  of  the 
people  of  Wayoff." 

"  Sire,"  said  the  Spokesman  of  the 
Three  Persons,  "  they  stand  before  you." 

**  Indeed!  "  said  the  King;  "  are  you, 
then,  the  people  of  Wayoff  ?  " 

"  Yes,  your  Majesty." 

"  There  are  not  many  of  you,"  the 
King  said,  attentively  regarding  them 
with  the  royal  eye,  "  and  you  are  not  so 
very  large;  I  hardly  think  you  are  a 
quorum.  Moreover,  I  never  heard  of  you 
until  you  came  here ;  whereas  Wayoff  is 
noted  for  the  quality  of  its  pork  and  con- 
tains hogs  of  distinction.  I  shall  send  a 
Commissioner  to  ascertain  the  sentiments 
of  the  hogs." 

The  Three  Persons,  bowing  profoundly, 


Ifantastlc  ffables  75 

backed  out  of  the  presence;  but  soon 
afterward  they  desired  another  audience, 
and,  on  being  readmitted,  said,  through 
their  Spokesman : 

**  May  it  please  your  Majesty,  we  are 
the  hogs.** 

The  No  Case 

A  Statesman  who  had  been  indicted 
by  an  unfeeling  Grand  Jury  was  arrested 
by  a  Sheriff  and  thrown  into  jail.  As 
this  was  abhorrent  to  his  fine  spiritual 
nature,  he  sent  for  the  District  Attorney 
and  asked  that  the  case  against  him  be 
dismissed. 

"  Upon  what  grounds  ?  "  asked  the 
District  Attorney. 

"  Lack  of  evidence  to  convict,"  replied 
the  accused. 

**  Do  you  happen  to  have  the  lack  with 
you  ?"  the  official  asked.  **  I  should 
like  to  see  it. '  * 

"  With  pleasure,**  said  the  other ;  **here 
it  is." 

So  saying  he  handed  the  other  a  check, 


76  fantastic  jfables 

which  the  District  Attorney  carefully  ex- 
amined, and  then  pronounced  it  the  most 
complete  absence  of  both  proof  and  pre- 
sumption that  he  had  ever  seen.  He  said 
it  would  acquit  the  oldest  man  in  the 
world. 

A  Harmless  Visitor 

At  a  meeting  of  the  Golden  League  of 
Mystery  a  Woman  was  discovered,  writing 
in  a  note-book.  A  member  directed  the 
attention  of  the  Superb  High  Chairman 
to  her,  and  she  was  asked  to  explain  her 
presence  there,  and  what  she  was  doing. 

"  I  came  in  for  my  own  pleasure  and 
instruction,"  she  said,  "  and  was  so  struck 
by  the  wisdom  of  the  speakers  that  I 
could  not  help  making  a  few  notes." 

"Madam,"  said  the  Superb  High  Chair- 
man, "  we  have  no  objection  to  visitors  if 
they  will  pledge  themselves  not  to  publish 
anything  they  hear.  Are  you — on  your 
honour  as  a  lady,  now,  madam — are  you 
not  connected  with  some  newspaper  ?  " 

"  Good     gracious,    no  !  "     cried     the 


jfantastic  Jfables  77 

Woman,  earnestly.  **  Why,  sir,  I  am  an 
officer  of  the  Women's  Press  Associa- 
tion! " 

She  was  permitted  to  remain,  and  pre- 
sented with  resolutions  of  apology. 

The  Judge  and  the  Rash  Act 

A  Judge  who  had  for  years  looked  in 
vain  for  an  opportunity  for  infamous  dis- 
tinction, but  whom  no  litigant  thought 
worth  bribing,  sat  one  day  upon  the 
Bench,  lamenting  his  hard  lot,  and  threat- 
ening to  put  an  end  to  his  life  if  business 
did  not  improve.  Suddenly  he  found 
himself  confronted  by  a  dreadful  figure 
clad  in  a  shroud,  whose  pallor  and  stony 
eyes  smote  him  with  a  horrible  apprehen- 
sion. 

"  Who  are  you,"  he  faltered,  **  and 
why  do  you  come  here  ?  " 

"  I  am  the  Rash  Act,"  was  the  sepul- 
chral reply;  **  you  may  commit  me." 

"  No,"  the  Judge  said,  thoughtfully, 
**  no,  that  would  be  quite  irregular.  I  do 
not  sit  to-day  as  a  committing  magis- 
trate." 


78  ffantasttc  ffables 

The  Prerogative  of  Might 

A  Slander  travelling  rapidly  through 
the  land  upon  its  joyous  mission  was  ac- 
costed by  a  Retraction  and  commanded 
to  halt  and  be  killed. 

"  Your  career  of  mischief  is  at  an  end," 
said  the  Retraction,  drawing  his  club, 
roUing  up  his  sleeves,  and  spitting  on  his 
hands. 

**  Why  should  you  slay  me  ?  "  protested 
the  Slander.  **  Whatever  my  intentions 
were,  I  have  been  innocuous,  for  you  have 
dogged  my  strides  and  counteracted  my 
influence." 

"  Dogged  your  grandmother!  "  said  the 
Retraction,  with  contemptuous  vulgarity 
of  speech.  '*  In  the  order  of  nature  it  is 
appointed  that  we  two  shall  never  travel 
the  same  road." 

"  How  then,"  the  Slander  asked,  tri- 
umphantly, "  have  you  overtaken  me  ?  " 

"  I  have  not,"  replied  the  Retraction; 
"  we  have  accidentally  met.  I  came  round 
the  world  the  other  way." 

But  when  he  tried  to  execute  his  fell 


jfantasttc  ffables  79 

purpose  he  found  that  in  the  order  of 
nature  it  was  appointed  that  he  himself 
perish  miserably  in  the  encounter. 

An  Inflated  Ambition 

The  President  of  a  great  Corporation 
went  into  a  dry-goods  shop  and  saw  a 
placard  which  read  : 

''  If  You  Don't  See  What  You  Want, 
Ask  For  It." 

Approaching  the  shopkeeper,  who  had 
been  narrowly  observing  him  as  he  read 
the  placard,  he  was  about  to  speak,  when 
the  shopkeeper  called  to  a  salesman : 

"  John,  show  this  gentleman  the 
world." 

Rejected  Services 

A  Heavy  Operator  overtaken  by  a  Re- 
verse of  Fortune  was  bewailing  his  sudden 
fall  from  affluence  to  indigence. 

"  Do  not  weep,"  said  the  Reverse  of 
Fortune.  **  You  need  not  suffer  alone. 
Name  any  one  of  the  men  who  have  op- 


8o  ffantasttc  ffables 

posed  your  schemes,  and  I  will  overtake 
him. 

**  It  is  hardly  worth  while,"  said  the 
victim,  earnestly.  "  Not  a  soul  of  them 
has  a  cent!  " 

The  Power  of  the  Scalawag 

A  Forestry  Commissioner  had  just 
felled  a  giant  tree  when,  seeing  an  honest 
man  approaching,  he  dropped  his  ax  and 
fled.  The  next  day  when  he  cautiously 
returned  to  get  his  axe,  he  found  the  fol- 
lowing lines  pencilled  on  the  stump : 
**  What  nature  reared  by  centuries  of  toil, 

A  scalawag  in  half  a  day  can  spoil ; 

An  equal  fate  for   him   may    Heaven 
provide — 

Damned  in  the  moment  of  his  tallest 
pride." 

At  Large— One  Temper 

A  Turbulent  Person  was  brought 
before  a  Judge  to  be  tried  for  an  assault 
with  intent  to  commit  murder,  and  it  was 


Ifantasttc  jfables       •      si 

proved  that  he  had  been  variously  ob- 
streperous without  apparent  provocation, 
had  affected  the  peripheries  of  several 
luckless  fellow-citizens  with  the  trunk  of 
a  small  tree,  and  subsequently  cleaned 
out  the  town.  While  trying  to  palliate 
these  misdeeds,  the  defendant's  Attorney 
turned  suddenly  to  the  Judge,  saying: 

Did  your  Honour  ever  lose  your  tem- 
per ?  " 

"  I  fine  you  twenty-five  dollars  for  con- 
tempt of  court!"  roared  the  Judge,  in 
wrath.  "  How  dare  you  mention  the 
loss  of  my  temper  in  connection  with  this 
case  ?  " 

After  a  moment's  silence  the  Attorney 
said,  meekly: 

**  I  thought  my  client  might  perhaps 
have  found  it." 

The  Seeker  and  the  Sought 

A  Politician  seeing  a  fat  Turkey 
which  he  wanted  for  dinner,  baited  a 
hook  with  a  grain  of  corn  and  dragged  it 
before  the  fowl  at  the  end  of  a  long  and 


82  ffantastic  ffables 

almost  invisible  line.  When  the  Turkey 
had  swallowed  the  hook,  the  Politician 
ran,  drawing  the  creature  after  him. 

"  Fellow-citizens,"  he  cried,  addressing 
some  turkey-breeders  whom  he  met,  *'  you 
observe  that  the  man  does  not  seek  the 
bird,  but  the  bird  seeks  the  man.  For 
this  unsolicited  and  unexpected  dinner  I 
thank  you  with  all  my  heart." 

His  Fly-Speck  Majesty 

A  Distinguished  Advocate  of  Repub- 
lican Institutions  was  seen  pickling  his 
shins  in  the  ocean. 

**  Why  don't  you  come  out  on  dry 
land  ?  "  said  the  Spectator.  "  What  are 
you  in  there  for  ?  " 

"  Sir,"  replied  the  Distinguished  Ad- 
vocate of  Republican  Institutions,  **  a 
ship  is  expected,  bearing  His  Majesty 
the  King  of  the  Fly-Speck  Islands,  and  I 
wish  to  be  the  first  to  grasp  the  crowned 
hand." 

**  But,"  said  the  Spectator,  "  you  said 
in  your  famous  speech  before  the  Society 


fantastic  fabler  s^ 

for  the  Prevention  of  the  Protrusion  of 
Nail  Heads  from  Plank  Sidewalks  that 
Kings  were  blood-smeared  oppressors  and 
hell-bound  loafers." 

My  dear  sir,"  said  the  Distinguished 
Advocate  of  Republican  Institutions, 
without  removing  his  eyes  from  the  hori- 
zon, "  you  wander  away  into  the  strangest 
irrelevancies !  I  spoke  of  Kings  in  the 
abstract.  * ' 

The  Pugilist's  Diet 

The  Trainer  of  a  Pugilist  consulted  a 
Physician  regarding  the  champion's  diet. 

"  Beef-steaks  are  too  tender,"  said  the 
Physician;  "  have  his  meat  cut  from  the 
neck  of  a  bull." 

*  *  I  thought  the  steaks  more  digestible, ' ' 
the  Trainer  explained. 

"  That  is  very  true,"  said  the  Physi- 
cian; **  but  they  do  not  sufficiently  exer- 
cise the  chin." 

The  Old  Man  and  the  Pupil 

A  Beautiful  Old  Man,  meeting  a 
Sunday-school  Pupil,  laid  his  hand  ten- 


84  ffantasttc  ffables 

derly  upon  the  lad's  head,  saying:  "  Lis- 
ten, my  son,  to  the  words  of  the  wise  and 
heed  the  advice  of  the  righteous." 

"  All  right,"  said  the  Sunday-school 
Pupil;   "  go  ahead." 

*'  Oh,  I  have  n't  anything  to  do  with 
it  myself,"  said  the  Beautiful  Old  Man. 
**  I  am  only  observing  one  of  the  customs 
of  the  age.     I  am  a  pirate." 

And  when  he  had  taken  his  hand  from 
the  lad's  head,  the  latter  observed  that 
his  hair  was  full  of  clotted  blood.  Then 
the  Beautiful  Old  Man  went  his  way,  in- 
structing other  youth. 

The  Deceased  and  his  Heirs 

A  Man  died  leaving  a  large  estate  and 
many  sorrowful  relations  who  claimed  it. 
After  some  years,  when  all  but  one  had 
had  judgment  given  against  them,  that 
one  was  awarded  the  estate,  which  he 
asked  his  Attorney  to  have  appraised. 

"  There  is  nothing  to  appraise,"  said 
the  Attorney,  pocketing  his  last  fee. 

**  Then,"  said  the  Successful  Claimant, 


fantastic  ffables  85 

"  what  good  has  all  this  litigation  done 
me  ?" 

"  You  have  been  a  good  client  to  me," 
the  Attorney  replied,  gathering  up  his 
books  and  papers,  **  but  I  must  say  you 
betray  a  surprising  ignorance  of  the  pur- 
pose of  litigation." 

The  Politicians  and  the  Plunder 

Several  Political  Entities  were  divid- 
ing the  spoils. 

"  I  will  take  the  management  of  the 
prisons,"  said  a  Decent  Respect  for 
Public  Opinion,  **  and  make  a  radical 
change." 

"  And  I,"  said  the  Blotted  Escutcheon, 
**  will  retain  my  present  general  connec- 
tion with  affairs,  while  my  friend  here, 
the  Soiled  Ermine,  will  remain  in  the 
Judiciary." 

The  Political  Pot  said  it  would  not  boil 
any  more  unless  replenished  from  the 
Filthy  Pool. 

The  Cohesive  Power  of  Public  Plunder 
quietly   remarked    that    the   two   bosses 


86  jfantastic  jfables 

would,     he    supposed,    naturally    be   his 

share. 

"  No,"  said  the  Depth  of  Degradation, 
they  have  already  fallen  to  me." 

The  Man  and  the  Wart 

A  Person  with  a  Wart  on  His  Nose 
met  a  Person  Similarly  Af^icted,  and  said : 
Let  me  propose  your  name  for  mem- 
bership in  the  Imperial  Order  of  Abnormal 
Proboscidians,  of  which  I  am  the  High 
Noble  Toby  and  Surreptitious  Treasurer. 
Two  months  ago  I  was  the  only  member. 
One  month  ago  there  were  two.  To-day 
we  number  four  Emperors  of  the  Abnor- 
mal Proboscis  in  good  standing — doubles 
every  four  weeks,  see  ?  That 's  geometri- 
cal progression — -you  know  how  that  piles 
up.  In  a  year  and  a  half  every  man  in 
California  will  have  a  wart  on  his  Nose. 
Powerful  Order!  Initiation,  five  dollars." 
My  friend,"  said  the  Person  Similarly 
Afflicted,  "  here  are  five  dollars.  Keep 
my  name  off  your  books." 

**  Thank  you  kindly,"  the  Man  with  a 


ffantastlc  ffables  87 

Wart  on  His  Nose  replied,  pocketing  the 
money;  "  it  is  just  the  same  to  us  as  if 
you  joined.     Good-by. " 

He  went  away,  but  in  a  little  while  he 
was  back. 

"  I  quite  forgot  to  mention  the  monthly 
dues,"  he  said. 

The  Divided  Delegation 

A  Delegation  at  Washington  went  to 
a  New  President,  and  said : 

"  Your  Excellency,  we  are  unable  to 
agree  upon  a  Favourite  Son  to  represent 
us  in  your  Cabinet." 

"  Then,"  said  the  New  President,  "  I 
shall  have  to  lock  you  up  until  you  do 
agree. ' ' 

So  the  Delegation  was  cast  into  the 
deepest  dungeon  beneath  the  moat,  where 
it  maintained  a  divided  mind  for  many 
weeks,  but  finally  reconciled  its  differences 
and  asked  to  be  taken  before  the  New 
President. 

My  child,"  said  he,  "  nothing  is  so 
beautiful  as  harmony.     My  Cabinet  Selec- 


S8  jFantasttc  ffables 

tions  were  all  made  before  our  former  in- 
terview, but  you  have  supplied  a  noble 
instance  of  patriotism  in  subordinating 
your  personal  preferences  to  the  general 
good.  Go  now  to  your  beautiful  homes 
and  be  happy." 

It  is  not  recorded  that  the  Delegation 
was  happy. 

A  Forfeited  Right 

The  Chief  of  the  Weather  Bureau 
having  predicted  a  fine  day,  a  Thrifty 
Person  hastened  to  lay  in  a  large  stock  of 
umbrellas,  which  he  exposed  for  sale  on 
the  sidewalk;  but  the  weather  remained 
clear,  and  nobody  would  buy.  There- 
upon the  Thrifty  Person  brought  an  action 
against  the  Chief  of  the  Weather  Bureau 
for  the  cost  of  the  umbrellas. 

"  Your  Honour,"  said  the  defendant's 
attorney,  when  the  case  was  called,  "  I 
move  that  this  astonishing  action  be  dis- 
missed. Not  only  is  my  client  in  no  way 
responsible  for  the  loss,  but  he  distinctly 
foreshadowed  the  very  thing  that  caused 
it." 


Ifantasttc  fables  89 

**  That  is  just  it,  your  Honour,"  replied 
the  counsel  for  the  plaintiff;  "  the  de- 
fendant by  making  a  correct  forecast 
fooled  my  client  in  the  only  way  that  he 
could  do  so.  He  has  lied  so  much  and 
so  notoriously  that  he  has  neither  the 
legal  nor  moral  right  to  tell  the  truth." 

Judgment  for  the  plaintiff. 

Revenge 

An  Insurance  Agent  was  trying  to  in- 
duce a  Hard  Man  to  Deal  With  to  take 
out  a  policy  on  his  house.  After  listen- 
ing to  him  for  an  hour,  while  he  painted 
in  vivid  colours  the  extreme  danger  of  fire 
consuming  the  house,  the  Hard  Man  to 
Deal  With  said : 

"  Do  you  really  think  it  likely  that  my 
house  will  burn  down  inside  the  time  that 
policy  will  run  ?  " 

**  Certainly,"  replied  the  Insurance 
Agent;  "  have  I  not  been  trying  all  this 
time  to  convince  you  that  I  do  ?  " 

"  Then,"  said  the  Hard  Man  to  Deal 
With,"  why  are  you  so  anxious  to  have 


90  ifantasttc  ffables 

your  Company  bet  me  money  that  it  will 
not?" 

The  Agent  was  silent  and  thoughtful 
for  a  moment ;  then  he  drew  the  other 
apart  into  an  unfrequented  place  and 
whispered  in  his  ear: 

"  My  friend,  I  will  impart  to  you  a 
dark  secret.  Years  ago  the  Company 
betrayed  my  sweetheart  by  promise  of 
marriage.  Under  an  assumed  name  I 
have  wormed  myself  into  its  service  for 
revenge;  and  as  there  is  a  heaven  above 
us,  I  will  have  its  heart's  blood!  " 

An  Optimist 

Two  Frogs  in  the  belly  of  a  snake  were 
considering  their  altered  circumstances. 

"  This  is  pretty  hard  luck,"  said  one. 
Don't  jump  to  conclusions,  * '  the  other 
said  ;  *'  we  are  out  of  the  wet  and  provided 
with  board  and  lodging." 

**  With  lodging,  certainly,"  said  the 
First  Frog;  "  but  I  don't  see  the  board." 

"  You  are  a  croaker,"  the  other  ex- 
plained.    "  We  are  ourselves  the  board.  " 


IFantasttc  ifables  91 

A  Valuable  Suggestion 

A  Big  Nation  having  a  quarrel  with  a 
Little  Nation,  resolved  to  terrify  its  an- 
tagonist by  a  grand  naval  demonstration 
in  the  latter's  principal  port.  So  the  Big 
Nation  assembled  all  its  ships  of  war  from 
all  over  the  world,  and  was  about  to  send 
them  three  hundred  and  fifty  thousand 
miles  to  the  place  of  rendezvous,  when 
the  President  of  the  Big  Nation  received 
the  following  note  from  the  President 
of  the  Little  Nation : 

'*  My  great  and  good  friend,  I  hear  that 
you  are  going  to  show  us  your  navy,  in 
order  to  impress  us  with  a  sense  of  your 
power.  How  needless  the  expense!  To 
prove  to  you  that  we  already  know  all 
about  it,  I  inclose  herewith  a  list  and  de- 
scription of  all  the  ships  you  have." 

The  great  and  good  friend  was  so  struck 
by  the  hard  sense  of  the  letter  that  he 
kept  his  navy  at  home,  and  saved  one 
thousand  million  dollars.  This  economy 
enabled  him  to  buy  a  satisfactory  decision 
when  the  cause  of  the  quarrel  was  sub- 
mitted to  arbitration. 


92  ffantasttc  ifables 

Two  Footpads 

Two  Footpads  sat  at  their  grog  in  a 
roadside  resort,  comparing  the  evening's 
adventures. 

"  I  stood  up  the  Chief  of  Police,"  said 
the  First  Footpad,  **  and  I  got  away  with 
what  he  had." 

*'  And  I,"  said  the  Second  Footpad, 
"  stood  up  the  United  States  District 
Attorney,  and  got  away  with " 

"  Good  Lord!"  interrupted  the  other 
in  astonishment  and  admiration — **  you 
got  away  with  what  that  fellow  had  ?" 

"  No,"  the  unfortunate  narrator  ex- 
plained— **  with  a  small  part  of  what  / 
had." 

Equipped  for  Service 

During  the  Civil  War  a  Patriot  was 
passing  through  the  State  of  Maryland 
with  a  pass  from  the  President  to  join 
Grant's  army  and  see  the  fighting.  Stop- 
ping a  day  at  Annapolis,  he  visited  the 
shop  of  a  well-known  optician  and  ordered 
seven  powerful  telescopes,  one  for  every 


jfantastic  jfables  93 

day  in  the  week.  In  recognition  of  this 
munificent  patronage  of  the  State's  lan- 
guishing industries,  the  Governor  commis- 
sioned him  a  colonel. 

The  Basking  Cyclone 

A  Negro  in  a  boat,  gathering  drift- 
wood, saw  a  sleeping  Alligator,  and, 
thinking  it  was  a  log,  fell  to  estimating 
the  number  of  shingles  it  would  make  for 
his  new  cabin.  Having  satisfied  his  mind 
on  that  point,  he  stuck  his  boat-hook  into 
the  beast's  back  to  harvest  his  good  for- 
tune. Thereupon  the  saurian  emerged 
from  his  dream  and  took  to  the  water, 
greatly  to  the  surprise  of  the  man-and- 
brother. 

**  I  never  befo'  seen  such  a  cyclone  as 
dat,"  he  exclaimed  as  soon  as  he  had  re- 
covered his  breath.  "  It  done  carry  away 
de  ruf  of  my  house!  ** 

At  the  Pole 

After  a  great  expenditure  of  life  and 
treasure  a  Daring  Explorer  had  succeeded 
in  reaching  the  North  Pole,  when  he  was 


94  iFantastlc  jfables 

approached  by  a  Native  Galeut  who  lived 
there. 

"  Good  morning,"  said  the  Native 
Galeut.  **  I  'm  very  glad  to  see  you,  but 
why  did  you  come  here  ?  " 

"  Glory,"  said  the  Daring  Explorer, 
curtly. 

"  Yes,  yes,  I  know,"  the  other  per- 
sisted; "  but  of  what  benefit  to  man  is 
your  discovery  ?  To  what  truths  does  it 
give  access  which  were  inaccessible  be- 
fore ? — facts,  I  mean,  having  a  scientific 
value?" 

**  I  '11  be  Tom  scatted  if  I  know,"  the 
great  man  replied,  frankly;  "you  will 
have  to  ask  the  Scientist  of  the  Expedi- 
tion." 

But  the  Scientist  of  the  Expedition  ex- 
plained that  he  had  been  so  engrossed 
with  the  care  of  his  instruments  and  the 
study  of  his  tables  that  he  had  found  no 
time  to  think  of  it. 

The  Optimist  and  the  Cynic 

A  MAN  who  had  experienced  the  favours 
of  fortune  and  was  an  Optimist,  met  a 


fantastic  ffables  95 

man  who  had  experienced  an  optimist  and 
was  a  Cynic.  So  the  Cynic  turned  out  of 
the  road  to  let  the  Optimist  roll  by  in  his 
gold  carriage. 

"  My  son,"  said  the  Optimist,  stopping 
the  gold  carriage,  "  you  look  as  if  you  had 
not  a  friend  in  the  world." 

"  I  don't  know  if  I  have  or  not,"  re- 
plied the  Cynic,  "  for  you  have  the 
world." 

The  Poet  and  the  Editor 

"  My  dear  sir,"  said  the  editor  to  the 
man  who  had  called  to  see  about  his 
poem,  "  I  regret  to  say  that  owing  to  an 
unfortunate  altercation  in  this  office  the 
greater  part  of  your  manuscript  is  illegible ; 
a  bottle  of  ink  was  upset  upon  it,  blotting 
out  all  but  the  first  line  —  that  is  to 
say — 

**  *  The  autumn  leaves  were  falling,  fall- 
ing.' 

"  Unluckily,  not  having  read  the  poem, 
I  was  unable  to  supply  the  incidents  that 
followed ;  otherwise  we  could  have  given 


96  fantastic  ffables 

them  in  our  own  words.  If  the  news  is 
not  stale,  and  has  not  already  appeared  in 
the  other  papers,  perhaps  you  will  kindly 
relate  what  occurred,  while  I  make  notes 
of  it. 

The   autumn    leaves    were   falling, 
falling,* 

"  Goon." 

"  What!  "  said  the  poet,  "  do  you  ex- 
pect me  to  reproduce  the  entire  poem 
from  memory  ?  " 

"  Only  the  substance  of  it — just  the 
leading  facts.  We  will  add  whatever  is 
necessary  in  the  way  of  amplification  and 
embellishment.  It  will  detain  you  but  a 
moment. 

"  *  The  autumn  leaves  were  falling,  fall- 
ing  * 

"  Now,  then." 

There  was  a  sound  of  a  slow  getting  up 
and  going  away.  The  chronicler  of  pass- 
ing events  sat  through  it,  motionless,  with 
suspended  pen ;  and  when  the  movement 
was  complete  Poesy  was  represented  in 
that  place  by  nothing  but  a  warm  spot  on 
the  wooden  chair. 


^Fantastic  fables  97 

The  Taken  Hand 

A  Successful  Man  of  Business,  having 
occasion  to  write  to  a  Thief,  expressed  a 
wish  to  see  him  and  shake  hands. 

**  No,"  replied  the  Thief,  "  there  are 
some  things  which  I  will  not  take — among 
them  your  hand." 

"  You  must  use  a  little  strategy,"  said 
a  Philosopher  to  whom  the  Successful 
Man  of  Business  had  reported  the  Thief's 
haughty  reply.  "  Leave  your  hand  out 
some  night,  and  he  will  take  it." 

So  one  night  the  Successful  Man  of 
Business  left  his  hand  out  of  his  neigh- 
bour's pocket,  and  the  Thief  took  it  with 
avidity. 

An  Unspeakable  Imbecile 

A  Judge  said  to  a  Convicted  Assassin : 
"  Prisoner  at  the  bar,   have  you  any- 
thing   to    say    why    the    death-sentence 
should  not  be  passed  upon  you  ?  " 

"  Will  what  I  say  make  any  differ- 
ence ?  "  asked  the  Convicted  Assassin. 


98  ffantasttc  jfables 

**  I  do  not  see  how  it  can,"  the  Judge 
answered,  reflectively.     *  *  No,  it  will  not. ' ' 

"  Then,"  said  the  doomed  one,  **  I 
should  just  like  to  remark  that  you  are 
the  most  unspeakable  old  imbecile  in 
seven  States  and  the  District  of  Colum- 
bia." 

A  Needful  War 

The  people  of  Madagonia  had  an  anti- 
pathy to  the  people  of  Novakatka  and  set 
upon  some  sailors  of  a  Novakatkan  vessel, 
killing  two  and  wounding  twelve.  The 
King  of  Madagonia  having  refused  either 
to  apologise  or  pay,  the  King  of  Nova- 
katka made  war  upon  him,  saying  that  it 
was  necessary  to  show  that  Novakatkans 
must  not  be  slaughtered.  In  the  battles 
which  ensued  the  people  of  Madagonia 
slaughtered  two  thousand  Novakatkans 
and  wounded  twelve  thousand.  But  the 
Madagonians  were  unsuccessful,  which  so 
chagrined  them  that  never  thereafter  in 
all  their  land  was  a  Novakatkan  secure  in 
property  or  life. 


ffantasttc  ffables  99 

The  Mine  Owner  ajid 
the  Jackass    .... 

While  the  Owner  of  a  Silver  Mine  was 
on  his  way  to  attend  a  convention  of  his 
species  he  was  accosted  by  a  Jackass, 
who  said : 

"By  an  unjust  discrimination  against 
quadrupeds  I  am  made  ineligible  to  a  seat 
in  your  convention ;  so  I  am  compelled  to 
seek  representation  through  you." 

**  It  will  give  me  great  pleasure,  sir,** 
said  the  Owner  of  a  Silver  Mine,  "  to 
serve  one  so  closely  allied  to  me  in — in — 
well,  you  know,"  he  added,  with  a  signifi- 
cant gesture  of  his  two  hands  upward  from 
the  sides  of  his  head.  **  What  do  you 
want  ?  * ' 

"  Oh,  nothing — nothing  at  all  for  my- 
self individually,"  replied  the  Donkey; 
**  but  his  country's  welfare  should  be  a 
patriot's  supreme  care.  If  Americans  are 
to  retain  the  sacred  liberties  for  which 
their  fathers  strove.  Congress  must  de- 
clare our  independence  of  European  dicta- 
tion by  maintaining  the  price  of  mules." 


loo  ^fantastic  fables 

The  Dog  and  the;^  Physician 

A  Dog  that  had  seen  a  Physician  at- 
tending the  burial  of  a  wealthy  patient, 
said:  "  When  do  you  expect  to  dig  it 
up  ?  " 

"  Why  should  I  dig  it  up  ?  "  the  Physi- 
cian asked. 

**  When  I  bury  a  bone,"  said  the  Dog, 
**  it  is  with  an  intention  to  uncover  it  later 
and  pick  it." 

"  The  bones  that  I  bury,"  said  the 
Physician,  "  are  those  that  I  can  no 
longer  pick." 

The  Party  Manager  and 
the  Gentleman     .... 

A  Party  Manager  said  to  a  Gentleman 
whom  he  saw  minding  his  own  business: 

"  How  much  will  you  pay  for  a  nomi- 
nation to  office  ?  " 

*'  Nothing,"  the  Gentleman  replied. 

"  But  you  will  contribute  something  to 
the  campaign  fund  to  assist  in  your  elec- 
tion, will  you  not?"  asked  the  Party 
Manager,  winking. 


ifantasttc  iFables  loi 

"Oh,  no,"  said  the  Gentleman,  gravely. 
"  If  the  people  wish  me  to  work  for 
them,  they  must  hire  me  without  solici- 
tation. I  am  very  comfortable  without 
office." 

"  But,"  urged  the  Party  Manager,  "  an 
election  is  a  thing  to  be  desired.  It  is 
a  high  honour  to  be  a  servant  of  the 
people." 

"  If  servitude  is  a  high  honour,"  the 
Gentleman  said,  "  it  would  be  indecent 
for  me  to  seek  it ;  and  if  obtained  by  my 
own  exertion  it  would  be  no  honour." 

"  Well,"  persisted  the  Party  Manager, 
"  you  will  at  least,  I  hope,  indorse  the 
party  platform." 

The  Gentleman  replied  :  **  It  is  improb- 
able that  its  authors  have  accurately  ex- 
pressed my  views  without  consulting  me ; 
and  if  I  indorsed  their  work  without  ap- 
proving it  I  should  be  a  liar." 

"  You  are  a  detestable  hypocrite  and  an 
idiot !  ' '  shouted  the  Party  Manager. 

*'  Even  your  good  opinion  of  my  fit- 
ness," replied  the  Gentleman,  "  shall  not 
persuade  me. ' ' 


I02  jFanta5tic  jfables 

The  Legislator  and  the  Citizen 

An  ex-Legislator  asked  a  Most  Respect- 
able Citizen  for  a  letter  to  the  Governor 
recommending  him  for  appointment  as 
Commissioner  of  Shrimps  and  Crabs. 

**  Sir,"  said  the  Most  Respectable  Citi- 
zen, austerely,  "  were  you  not  once  in 
the  State  Senate  ?  " 

**  Not  so  bad  as  that,  sir,  I  assure  you," 
was  the  reply.  "  I  was  a  member  of  the 
Slower  House.  I  was  expelled  for  selling 
my  influence  for  money." 

"And  you  dare  to  ask  for  mine!" 
shouted  the  Most  Respectable  Citizen. 
"  You  have  the  impudence  ?  A  man  who 
will  accept  bribes  will  probably  offer  them. 
Do  you  mean  to " 

"  I  should  not  think  of  making  a  cor- 
rupt proposal  to  you,  sir;  but  if  I  were 
Commissioner  of  Shrimps  and  Crabs,  I 
might  have  some  influence  with  the  water- 
front population,  and  be  able  to  help  you 
make  your  fight  for  Coroner." 

"  In  that  case  I  do  not  feel  justified  in 
denying  you  the  letter," 


fantastic  ifables  103 

So  he  took  his  pen,  and,  some  demon 
guiding  his  hand,  he  wrote,  greatly  to  his 
astonishment : 

"  Who  sells  his  influence  should  stop  it, 
An  honest  man  will  only  swap  it." 

The  Rainmaker 

An  Officer  of  the  Government,  with  a 
great  outfit  of  mule-waggons  loaded  with 
balloons,  kites,  dynamite  bombs,  and 
electrical  apparatus,  halted  in  the  midst 
of  a  desert,  where  there  had  been  no  rain 
for  ten  years,  and  set  up  a  camp.  After 
several  months  of  preparation  and  an  ex- 
penditure of  a  million  dollars  all  was  in 
readiness,  and  a  series  of  tremendous  ex- 
plosions occurred  on  the  earth  and  in  the 
sky.  This  was  followed  by  a  great  down- 
pour of  rain,  which  washed  the  unfortu- 
nate Officer  of  the  Government  and  the 
outfit  off  the  face  of  creation  and  affected 
the  agricultural  heart  with  joy  too  deep 
for  utterance.  A  Newspaper  Reporter 
who  had  just  arrived  escaped  by  climbing 
a  hill  near  by,  and  there  he  found  the 
Sole  Survivor  of  the  expedition — a  mule- 


104  ffantasttc  ffables 

driver — down  on  his  knees  behind  a  mes- 
quite  bush,  praying  with  extreme  fervour. 

"  Oh,  you  can't  stop  it  that  way,"  said 
the  Reporter. 

**  My  fellow-traveller  to  the  bar  of 
God,"  replied  the  Sole  Survivor,  looking 
up  over  his  shoulder,  "  your  understand- 
ing is  in  darkness.  I  am  not  stopping 
this  great  blessing;  under  Providence,  I 
am  bringing  it." 

"  That  is  a  pretty  good  joke,"  said  the 
Reporter,  laughing  as  well  as  he  could  in 
the  strangling  rain — *'  a  mule  driver's 
prayer  answered!  " 

"  Child  of  levity  and  scoffing,"  replied 
the  other;  **  you  err  again,  misled  by 
these  humble  habiliments.  I  am  the 
Rev.  Ezekiel  Thrifft,  a  minister  of  the 
gospel,  now  in  the  service  of  the  great 
manufacturing  firm  of  Skinn  &  Sheer. 
They  make  balloons,  kites,  dynamite 
bombs,   and  electrical  apparatus." 

The  Citizen  and  the  Snakes 

A  Public-spirited  Citizen  who  had 
failed    miserably    in    trying    to    secure  a 


fantastic  jfables  105 

National  political  convention  for  his  city 
suffered  acutely  from  dejection.  While 
in  that  frame  of  mind  he  leaned  thought- 
lessly against  a  druggist's  show-window, 
wherein  were  one  hundred  and  fifty  kinds 
of  assorted  snakes.  The  glass  breaking, 
the  reptiles  all  escaped  into  the  street. 

**  When  you  can't  do  what  you  wish," 
said  the  Public-spirited  Citizen,  "it  is 
worth  while  to  do  what  you  can." 

Fortune  and  the  Fabulist 

A  Writer  of  Fables  was  passing 
through  a  lonely  forest  when  he  met  a 
Fortune.  Greatly  alarmed,  he  tried  to 
climb  a  tree,  but  the  Fortune  pulled  him 
down  and  bestowed  itself  upon  him  with 
cruel  persistence. 

Why  did  you  try  to  run  away  ?  "  said 
the  Fortune,  when  his  struggles  had  ceased 
and  his  screams  were  stilled.  "  Why  do 
you  glare  at  me  so  inhospitably  ?  " 

"  I  don't  know  what  you  are,"  replied 
the  Writer  of  Fables,  deeply  disturbed. 

**  I  am  wealth;  I   am   respectability," 


io6  ^fantastic  ffables 

the  Fortune  explained;  **  I  am  elegant 
houses,  a  yacht,  and  a  clean  shirt  every- 
day. I  am  leisure,  I  am  travel,  wine,  a 
shiny  hat,  and  an  unshiny  coat.  I  am 
enough  to  eat." 

"  All  right,"  said  the  Writer  of  Fables, 
in  a  whisper;  "  but  for  goodness'  sake 
speak  lower." 

"Why  so?"  the  Fortune  asked,  in 
surprise. 

"So  as  not  to  wake  me,"  replied  the 
Writer  of  Fables,  a  holy  calm  brooding 
upon  his  beautiful  face. 

A  Smiling  Idol 

An  Idol  said  to  a  Missionary,  "  My 
friend,  why  do  you  seek  to  bring  me  into 
contempt  ?  If  it  had  not  been  for  me, 
what  would  you  have  been  ?  Remember 
thy  creator  that  thy  days  be  long  in  the 
land." 

"  I  confess,"  replied  the  Missionary, 
fingering  a  number  of  ten-cent  pieces 
which  a  Sunday-school  in  his  own  country 
had  forwarded  to  him,  "  that  I  am  a  pro- 


iFantasttc  ffables  107 

duct  of  you,  but  I  protest  that  you  can- 
not quote  Scripture  with  accuracy  and 
point.  Therefore  will  I  continue  to  go 
up  against  you  with  the  Sword  of  the 
Spirit." 

Shortly  afterwards  the  Idol's  worship- 
pers held  a  great  religious  ceremony  at 
the  base  of  his  pedestal,  and  as  a  part  of 
the  rites  the  Missionary  was  roasted 
whole.  As  the  tongue  was  removed  for 
the  high  priest's  table,  "  Ah,"  said  the 
Idol  to  himself,  "  that  is  the  Sword  of 
the  Spirit — the  only  Sword  that  is  less 
dangerous  when  unsheathed." 

And  he  smiled  so  pleasantly  at  his  own 
wit  that  the  provinces  of  Ghargaroo, 
M'gwana,  and  Scowow  were  affected  with 
a  blight. 

Philosophers  Three 

A  Bear,  a  Fox,  and  an  Opossum  were 
attacked  by  an  inundation. 

Death    loves    a    coward,"    said    the 
Bear,  and  went  forward  to  fight  the  flood. 

''  What  a  fool!"    said   the   Fox.     "  I 


io8  ^fantastic  ffables 

know  a  trick  worth  two  of  that."  And 
he  slipped  into  a  hollow  stump. 

"  There  are  malevolent  forces,"  said 
the  Opossum,  **  which  the  wise  will 
neither  confront  nor  avoid.  The  thing  is 
to  know  the  nature  of  your  antagonist." 

So  saying  the  Opossum  lay  down  and 
pretended  to  be  dead. 

The  Boneless  King 

Some  Apes  who  had  deposed  their  king 
fell  at  once  into  dissension  and  anarchy. 
In  this  strait  they  sent  a  Deputation  to  a 
neighbouring  tribe  to  consult  the  Oldest 
and  Wisest  Ape  in  All  the  World. 

"  My  children,"  said  the  Oldest  and 
Wisest  Ape  in  All  the  World,  when  he 
had  heard  the  Deputation,  "  you  did 
right  in  ridding  yourselves  of  tyranny, 
but  your  tribe  is  not  sufficiently  advanced 
to  dispense  with  the  forms  of  monarchy. 
Entice  the  tyrant  back  with  fair  promises, 
kill  him  and  enthrone.  The  skeleton  of 
even  the  most  lawless  despot  makes  a 
good  constitutional  sovereign." 


ffantastic  iFables  109 

At  this  the  Deputation  was  greatly- 
abashed.  "  It  is  impossible,"  they  said, 
moving  away ;  *  *  our  king  has  no  skeleton ; 
he  was  stuffed." 

Uncalculating  Zeal 

A  MAN-EATING  tiger  was  ravaging  the 
Kingdom  of  Damnasia,  and  the  King, 
greatly  concerned  for  the  lives  and  limbs 
of  his  Royal  subjects,  promised  his  daugh- 
ter Zodroulra  to  any  man  who  would  kill 
the  animal.  After  some  days  Camaralad- 
din  appeared  before  the  King  and  claimed 
the  reward. 

**  But  where  is  the  tiger  ?  "  the  King 
asked. 

May  jackasses  sing  above  my  uncle's 
grave,"  replied  Camaraladdin,  **  if  I  dared 
go  within  a  league  of  him !  " 

"  Wretch!  "  cried  the  King,  unsheath- 
ing his  consoler-under-disappointment  ; 
"  how  dare  you  claim  my  daughter  when 
you  have  done  nothing  to  earn  her  ?  " 

**  Thou  art  wiser,  O  King,  than  Soly- 
man  the  Great,  and  thy  servant  is  as  dust 


no  jFantasttc  ffables 

in  the  tomb  of  thy  dog,  yet  thou  errest. 
I  did  not,  it  is  true,  kill  the  tiger,  but  be- 
hold !  I  have  brought  thee  the  scalp  of 
the  man  who  had  accumulated  five  million 
pieces  of  gold  and  was  after  more." 

The  King  drew  his  consoler-under-dis- 
appointment,  and,  flicking  off  Camaralad- 
din's  head,  said : 

**  Learn,  caitiff,  the  expediency  of  un- 
calculating  zeal.  If  the  millionaire  had 
been  let  alone  he  would  have  devoured 
the  tiger." 

A  Transposition 

Travelling  through  the  sage-brush 
country  a  Jackass  met  a  rabbit,  who  ex- 
claimed in  great  astonishment : 

**  Good  heavens!  how  did  you  grow  so 
big  ?  You  are  doubtless  the  largest  rabbit 
living." 

"  No,"  said  the  Jackass,  **  you  are  the 
smallest  donkey." 

After  a  good  deal  of  fruitless  argument 
the  question  was  referred  for  decision  to 
a  passing  Coyote,  who  was  a  bit  of  a  dem- 


ffantasttc  ffables  m 

agogue  and  desirous  to  stand  well  with 
both. 

"  Gentlemen,"  said  he,  "  you  are  both 
right,  as  was  to  have  been  expected  by 
persons  so  gifted  with  appliances  for  re- 
ceiving instruction  from  the  wise.  You, 
sir," — turning  to  the  superior  animal — 
"  are,  as  he  has  accurately  observed,  a 
rabbit.  And  you  " — to  the  other — "  are 
correctly  described  as  a  jackass.  In  trans- 
posing your  names  man  has  acted  with 
incredible  folly." 

They  were  so  pleased  with  the  decision 
that  they  declared  the  Coyote  their  can- 
didate for  the  Grizzly  Bearship;  but 
whether  he  ever  obtained  the  ofifice  his- 
tory does  not  relate. 

The  Honest  Citizen 

A  Political  Preferment,  labelled  with 
its  price,  was  canvassing  the  State  to  find 
a  purchaser.  One  day  it  offered  itself  to 
a  Truly  Good  Man,  who,  after  examining 
the  label  and  finding  the  price  was  exactly 
twice  as  great  as  he  was  willing  to  pay, 


112  jfantasttc  fables 

spurned  the  Political  Preferment  from  his 
door.  Then  the  People  said:  "  Behold, 
this  is  an  honest  citizen ! ' '  And  the  Truly 
Good  Man  humbly  confessed  that  it  was 
so. 

A  Creaking  Tail 

An  American  Statesman  who  had 
twisted  the  tail  of  the  British  Lion  until 
his  arms  ached  was  at  last  rewarded  by  a 
sharp,  rasping  sound. 

'*  I  knew  your  fortitude  would  give  out 
after  a  while,"  said  the  American  States- 
man, delighted;  **  your  agony  attests  my 
political  power." 

**  Agony  I  know  not!  "  said  the  British 
Lion,  yawning;  "  the  swivel  in  my  tail 
needs  a  few  drops  of  oil,  that  is  all. ' ' 

Wasted  Sweets 

A  Candidate  canvassing  his  district 
met  a  Nurse  wheeling  a  Baby  in  a  car- 
riage, and,  stooping,  imprinted  a  kiss 
upon  the  Baby's  clammy  muzzle.  Rising, 
he  saw  a  Man,  who  laughed. 


ffantastic  ffables  113 

"Why  do  you  laugh?"  asked  the 
Candidate. 

"  Because,"  replied  the  Man,  **  the 
Baby  belongs  to  the  Orphan  Asylum." 

"  But  the  Nurse,"  said  the  Candidate 
— "  the  Nurse  will  surely  relate  the  touch- 
ing incident  wherever  she  goes,  and  per- 
haps write  to  her  former  master." 

"  The  Nurse,"  said  the  Man  who  had 
laughed,  **  is  an  inmate  of  the  Institution 
for  the  Illiterate-Deaf-and-Dumb." 

Six  and  One 

The  Committee  on  Gerrymander 
worked  late,  drawing  intricate  lines  on 
a  map  of  the  State,  and  being  weary 
sought  repose  in  a  game  of  poker.  At 
the  close  of  the  game  the  six  Republican 
members  were  bankrupt  and  the  single 
Democrat  had  all  the  money.  On  the 
next  day,  when  the  Committee  was  called 
to  order  for  business,  one  of  the  luckless 
six  mounted  his  legs,  and  said : 

"  Mr.  Chairman,  before  we  bend  to  our 
noble  task  of  purifying  politics,  in  the  in- 


114  ffantastic  ffables 

terest  of  good  government  I  wish  to  say 
a  word  of  the  untoward  events  of  last 
evening.  If  my  memory  serves  me  the 
disasters  which  overtook  the  Majority  of 
this  honourable  body  always  befell  when 
it  was  the  Minority's  deal.  It  is  my 
solemn  conviction,  Mr.  Chairman,  and  to 
its  affirmation  I  pledge  my  life,  my  for- 
tune, and  my  sacred  honour,  that  that 
wicked  and  unscrupulous  Minority  redis- 
tricted  the  cards!  " 

The  Sportsman  and  the  Squirrel 

A  Sportsman  who  had  wounded  a 
Squirrel,  which  was  making  desperate 
efforts  to  drag  itself  away,  ran  after  it 
with  a  stick,  exclaiming : 

"  Poor  thing!  I  will  put  it  out  of  its 
misery." 

At  that  moment  the  quirrels  Stopped 
from  exhaustion,  and  looking  up  at  its 
enemy,  said: 

"  I  don't  venture  to  doubt  the  sincerity 
of  your  compassion,  though  it  comes 
rather  late,   but   you  seem    to   lack   the 


^fantastic  ffables  115 

faculty  of  observation.  Do  you  not  per- 
ceive by  my  actions  that  the  dearest  wish 
of  my  heart  is  to  continue  in  my  misery  ?  " 
At  this  exposure  of  his  hypocrisy,  the 
Sportsman  was  so  overcome  with  shame 
and  remorse  that  he  would  not  strike  the 
Squirrel,  but  pointing  it  out  to  his  dog, 
walked  thoughtfully  away. 

The  Fogy  and  the  Sheik 

A  Fogy  who  lived  in  a  cave  near  a 
great  caravan  route  returned  to  his  home 
one  day  and  saw,  near  by,  a  great  con- 
course of  men  and  animals,  and  in  their 
midst  a  tower,  at  the  foot  of  which  some- 
thing with  wheels  smoked  and  panted  like 
an  exhausted  horse.  He  sought  the 
Sheik  of  the  Outfit. 

"  What  sin  art  thou  committing  now, 
O  son  of  a  Christian  dog?"  said  the 
Fogy,  with  a  truly  Oriental  politeness. 

**  Boring  for  water,  you  black-and-tan 
galoot!  "  replied  the  Sheik  of  the  Outfit, 
with  that  ready  repartee  which  distin- 
guishes the  Unbeliever. 


ii6  jfantasttc  jfables 

**  Knowest  thou  not,  thou  whelp  of 
darkness  and  father  of  disordered  livers," 
cried  the  Fogy,  "  that  water  will  cause 
grass  to  spring  up  here,  and  trees,  and 
possibly  even  flowers  ?  Knowest  thou 
not,  that  thou  art,  in  truth,  producing  an 
oasis  ?  " 

"And  don't  you  know,"  said  the  Sheik 
of  the  Outfit,  '*  that  caravans  will  then 
stop  here  for  rest  and  refreshments,  giving 
you  a  chance  to  steal  the  camels,  the 
horses,  and  the  goods  ?  " 

**  May  the  wild  hog  defile  my  grave, 
but  thou  speakest  wisdom!"  the  Fogy 
replied,  with  the  dignity  of  his  race,  ex- 
tending his  hand.     **  Sheik." 

They  shook. 

At  Heaven's  Gate 

Having  arisen  from  the  tomb,  a 
Woman  presented  herself  at  the  gate  of 
Heaven,  and  knocked  with  a  trembling 
hand. 

"  Madam,"  said  Saint  Peter,  rising  and 
approaching  the  wicket,  "  whence  do  you 
come  ?  " 


Jfantasttc  ffables  117 

**  From  San  Francisco,"  replied  the 
Woman,  with  embarrassment,  as  great 
beads  of  perspiration  spangled  her  spirit- 
ual brow. 

**  Never  mind,  my  good  girl,"  the 
Saint  said,  compassionately.  '*  Eternity 
is  a  long  time;  you  can  live  that  down." 

"  But  that,  if  you  please,  is  not  all." 
The  Woman  was  growing  more  and  more 
confused.  "  I  poisoned  my  husband.  I 
chopped  up  my  babies.     I '  * 

**  Ah,"  said  the  Saint,  with  sudden 
austerity,  **  your  confession  suggests  a 
very  grave  possibility.  Were  you  a  mem- 
ber of  the  Women's  Press  Association  ?  " 

The  lady  drew  herself  up  and  replied 
with  warmth : 

"  I  was  not." 

The  gates  of  pearl  and  jasper  swung 
back  upon  their  golden  hinges,  making 
the  most  ravishing  music,  and  the  Saint, 
stepping  aside,  bowed  low,  saying : 

"  Enter,  then,  into  thine  eternal  rest." 

But  the  Woman  hesitated. 

**  The  poisoning — the  chopping — the — 
the —  "  she  stammered. 


ii8  fantastic  jfables 

"Of  no  consequence,  I  assure  you. 
We  are  not  going  to  be  hard  on  a  lady 
who  did  not  belong  to  the  Women's  Press 
Association.     Take  a  harp." 

"  But  I  applied  for  membership — I  was 
blackballed." 

**  Take  two  harps." 

The  Catted  Anarchist 

An  Anarchist  Orator  who  had  been 
struck  in  the  face  with  a  Dead  Cat  by 
some  Respector  of  Law  to  him  unknown, 
had  the  Dead  Cat  arrested  and  taken  be- 
fore a  Magistrate. 

**  Why  do  you  appeal  to  the  law  ?" 
said  the  Magistrate — "  You  who  go  in 
for  the  abolition  of  law." 

**  That,"  replied  the  Anarchist,  who 
was  not  without  a  certain  hardness  of 
head,  **  that  is  none  of  your  business;  I 
am  not  bound  to  be  consistent.  You  sit 
here  to  do  justice  bet:v?en  me  and  this 
Dead  Cat." 

*'  Very  well,"  said  the  Magistrate,  put- 
ting on  the  black  cap  and  a  solemn  look; 


ffantastic  jfables  119 

"  as  the  accused  makes  no  defence,  and  is 
undoubtedly  guilty,  I  sentence  her  to  be 
eaten  by  the  public  executioner;  and  as 
that  position  happens  to  be  vacant,  I  ap- 
point you  to  it,  without  bonds." 

One  of  the  most  delighted  spectators  at 
the  execution  was  the  anonymous  Respec- 
tor  of  Law  who  had  flung  the  condemned. 

The  Honourable  Member 

A  MEMBER  of  a  Legislature,  who  had 
pledged  himself  to  his  Constituents  not  to 
steal,  brought  home  at  the  end  of  the 
session  a  large  part  of  the  dome  of  the 
Capitol.  Thereupon  the  Constituents 
held  an  indignation  meeting  and  passed  a 
resolution  of  tar  and  feathers. 

"  You  are  most  unjust,"  said  the  Mem- 
ber of  the  Legislature.  "It  is  true  I 
promised  you  I  would  not  steal;  but  had 
I  ever  promised  you  that  I  would  not 
lie?" 

The  Constituents  said  he  was  an  honour- 
able man  and  elected  him  to  the  United 
States  Congress,  unpledged  and  un- 
fledged. 


I20  ffantasttc  ffables 

The  Expatriated  Boss 

A  Boss  who  had  gone  to  Canada  was 
taunted  by  a  Citizen  of  Montreal  with 
having  fled  to  avoid  prosecution. 

**  You  do  me  a  grave  injustice,"  said 
the    Boss,   parting   with    a  pair  of  tears. 

I  came  to  Canada  solely  because  of  its 
political  attractions;  its  Government  is 
the  most  corrupt  in  the  world." 

"  Pray  forgive  me,"  said  the  Citizen  of 
Montreal. 

They  fell  upon  each  other's  neck,  and 
at  the  conclusion  of  that  touching  rite  the 
Boss  had  two  watches. 

An  Inadequate  Fee 

An  Ox,  unable  to  extricate  himself 
from  the  mire  into  which  he  sank,  was 
advised  to  make  use  of  a  Political  Pull. 
When  the  Political  Pull  had  arrived,  the 
Ox  said:  "  My  good  friend,  please  make 
fast  to  me,  and  let  nature  take  her  course. " 

So  the  Political  Pull  made  fast  to  the 
Ox's   head    and  nature  took  her  course. 


ifantasttc  ffables  121 

The  Ox  was  drawn,  first,  from  the  mire, 
and,  next,  from  his  skin.  Then  the 
Political  Pull  looked  back  upon  the  good 
fat  carcase  of  beef  that  he  was  dragging 
to  his  lair  and  said,  with  a  discontented 
spirit : 

"  That  is  hardly  my  customary  fee;  I  *11 
take  home  this  first  instalment,  then  re- 
turn and  bring  an  action  for  salvage  against 
the  skin/' 

The  Judge  and  the  Plaintiff 

A  Man  of  Experience  in  Business  was 
awaiting  the  judgment  of  the  Court  in  an 
action  for  damages  which  he  had  brought 
against  a  railway  company.  The  door 
opened  and  the  Judge  of  the  Court  en- 
tered. 

"  Well,"  said  he,  **  I  am  going  to  de- 
cide your  case  to-day.  If  I  should  decide 
in  your  favour,  I  wonder  how  you  would 
express  your  satisfaction  ?  '* 

**  Sir,"  said  the  Man  of  Experience  in 
Business,  **  I  should  risk  your  anger  by 
offering  you  one  half  the  sum  awarded." 


122  jfantastlc  faUcs 

**  Did  I  say  I  was  going  to  decide  that 
case?"  said  the  Judge,  abruptly,  as  if 
awakening  from  a  dream.  "  Dear  me, 
how  absent-minded  I  am.  I  mean  I  have 
already  decided  it,  and  judgment  has  been 
entered  for  the  full  amount  that  you  sued 
for." 

*  *  Did  I  say  I  would  give  you  one  half  ?  * ' 
said  the  Man  of  Experience  in  Business, 
coldly.  "  Dear  me,  how  near  I  came  to 
being  a  rascal.  I  mean,  that  I  am  greatly 
obliged  to  you." 

The  Return  of  the  Representative 

Hearing  that  the  Legislature  had  ad- 
journed, the  people  of  an  Assembly  Dis- 
trict held  a  mass-meeting  to  devise  a 
suitable  punishment  for  their  represent- 
ative. By  one  speaker  it  was  proposed 
that  he  be  disembowelled,  by  another 
that  he  be  made  to  run  the  gauntlet. 
Some  favoured  hanging,  some  thought 
that  it  would  do  him  good  to  appear  in 
a  suit  of  tar  and  feathers.  An  old  man, 
famous  for  his  wisdom  and  his  habit  of 


jfantastlc  J'ables  123 

drooling  on  his  shirt-front,  suggested  that 
they  first  catch  their  hare.  So  the  Chair- 
man appointed  a  committee  to  watch  for 
the  victim  at  midnight,  and  take  him  as 
he  should  attempt  to  sneak  into  town 
across-lots  from  the  tamarack  swamp. 
At  this  point  in  the  proceedings  they 
were  interrupted  by  the  sound  of  a  brass 
band.  Their  dishonoured  representative 
was  driving  up  from  the  railway  station  in 
a  coach-and-four,  with  music  and  a  banner. 
A  few  moments  later  he  entered  the  hall, 
went  upon  the  platform,  and  said  it  was 
the  proudest  moment  of  his  life.   (Cheers.) 

A  Statesman 

A  Statesman  who  attended  a  meeting 
of  a  Chamber  of  Commerce  rose  to  speak, 
but  was  objected  to  on  the  ground  that 
he  had  nothing  to  do  with  commerce. 

"  Mr.  Chairman,"  said  an  Aged  Mem- 
ber, rising,  *'  I  conceive  that  the  objection 
is  not  well  taken ;  the  gentleman's  connec- 
tion with  commerce  is  close  and  intimate. 
He  is  a  Commodity." 


124  jFantasttc  jfables 

Two  Dogs 

The  Dog,  as  created,  had  a  rigid  tail, 
but  after  some  centuries  of  a  cheerless  ex- 
istence, unappreciated  by  Man,  who  made 
him  work  for  his  Hving,  he  implored  the 
Creator  to  endow  him  with  a  wag.  This 
being  done  he  was  able  to  dissemble  his 
resentment  with  a  sign  of  affection,  and 
the  earth  was  his  and  the  fulness  thereof. 
Observing  this,  the  Politician  (an  animal 
created  later)  petitioned  that  a  wag  might 
be  given  him  too.  As  he  was  incaudate 
it  was  conferred  upon  his  chin,  which  he 
now  wags  with  great  profit  and  gratifica- 
tion except  when  he  is  at  his  meals. 

Three  Recruits 

A  Farmer,  an  Artisan,  and  a  Labourer 
went  to  the  King  of  their  country  and 
complained  that  they  were  compelled  to 
support  a  large  standing  army  of  mere 
consumers,  who  did  nothing  for  their  keep. 

**  Very  well,"  said  the  King,  **  my  sub- 
jects' wishes  are  the  highest  law." 

So  he  disbanded  his  army  and  the  con- 


ffantHstic  ffables  125 

sumers  became  producers  also.  The  sale 
of  their  products  so  brought  down  prices 
that  farming  was  ruined,  and  their  skilled 
and  unskilled  labour  drove  the  artisans  and 
labourers  into  the  almshouses  and  high- 
ways. In  a  few  years  the  national  distress 
was  so  great  that  the  Farmer,  the  Artisan, 
and  the  Labourer  petitioned  the  King  to 
reorganize  the  standing  army. 

"  What!  "  said  the  King;  **  you  wish 
to  support  those  idle  consumers  again  ?  " 

**  No,  your  Majesty,"  they  replied — 
**  we  wish  to  enlist." 

The  Mirror 

A  SILKEN-EARED  Spaniel,  who  traced 
his  descent  from  King  Charles  the  Second 
of  England,  chanced  to  look  into  a  mirror 
which  was  leaning  against  the  wainscoting 
of  a  room  on  the  ground  floor  of  his  mis- 
tress's house.  Seeing  his  reflection,  he 
supposed  it  to  be  another  dog,  outside, 
and  said : 

**  I  can  chew  up  any  such  milksoppy 
pup  as  that,  and  I  will." 


126  ^fantastic  jfables 

So  he  ran  out-of-doors  and  around  to 
the  side  of  the  house  where  he  fancied  the 
enemy  was.  It  so  happened  that  at  that 
moment  a  Bulldog  sat  there  sunning  his 
teeth.  The  Spaniel  stopped  short  in  dire 
consternation,  and,  after  regarding  the 
Bulldog  a  moment  from  a  safe  distance, 
said : 

I  don't  know  whether  you  cultivate 
the  arts  of  peace  or  your  flag  is  flung  to 
the  battle  and  the  breeze  and  your  voice 
is  for  war.  If  you  are  a  civilian,  the 
windows  of  this  house  flatter  you  worse 
than  a  newspaper,  but  if  you  're  a  soldier, 
they  do  you  a  grave  injustice." 

This  speech  being  unintelligible  to  the 
Bulldog  he  only  civilly  smiled,  which  so 
terrified  the  Spaniel  that  he  dropped  dead 
in  his  tracks. 

Saint  and  Sinner 

**  My  friend,"  said  a  distinguished  offi- 
cer of  the  Salvation  Army,  to  a  Most 
Wicked  Sinner,  **  I  was  once  a  drunkard, 
a  thief,  an  assassin.  The  Divine  Grace 
has  made  me  what  I  am." 


ffantastic  jfables  127 

The  Most  Wicked  Sinner  looked  at 
him  from  head  to  foot.  **  Henceforth," 
he  said,  "  the  Divine  Grace,  I  fancy,  will 
let  well  enough  alone." 

An  Antidote 

A  Young  Ostrich  came  to  its  Mother, 
groaning  with  pain  and  with  its  wings 
tightly  crossed  upon  its  stomach. 

"  What  have  you  been  eating  ?  "  the 
Mother  asked,  with  solicitude. 

"  Nothing  but  a  keg  of  Nails,"  was  the 
reply. 

"What!"  exclaimed  the  Mother;  a 
whole  keg  of  Nails,  at  your  age !  "  Why, 
you  will  kill  yourself  that  way.  Go 
quickly,  my  child,  and  swallow  a  claw- 
hammer." 

A  Weary  Echo 

A  Convention  of  female  writers,  which 
for  two  days  had  been  stuffing  Woman's 
couch  with  goose-quills  and  hailing  the 
down  of  a  new  era,  adjourned  with  un- 
abated enthusiasm,  shouting,  "  Place  aux 


128  ^Fantastic  jfables 

dames!"      And    Echo    wearily    replied, 
"  Oh,  damn." 

The  Ingenious  Blackmailer 

An  Inventor  went  to  a  King  and  was 
granted  an  audience,  when  the  following 
conversation  ensued: 

Inventor. — "  May  it  please  your  Ma- 
jesty, I  have  invented  a  rifle  that  dis- 
charges lightning." 

King, — **  Ah,  you  wish  to  sell  me  the 
secret." 

Inventor, — "  Yes;  it  will  enable  your 
army  to  overrun  any  nation  that  is  ac- 
cessible." 

King, — "  In  order  to  get  any  good  of 
my  outlay  for  your  invention,  I  must 
make  a  war,  and  do  so  as  soon  as  I  can 
arm  my  troops — before  your  secret  is  dis- 
covered by  foreign  nations.  How  much 
do  you  want  ?  " 

Inventor, — **  One  million  dollars." 

King, — **  And  how  much  will  it  cost  to 
make  the  change  of  arms  ? ' ' 

Inventor, — "  Fifty  millions." 


ffantastic  ifables  129 

King.—  '  And  the  war  will  cost ?  " 


Inventor. — **  But  consider  the  glory  and 
the  spoils!  " 

King. — "  Exactly.  But  if  I  am  not 
seeking  these  advantages  ?  What  if  I  de- 
cline to  purchase  ?  " 

Inventor. — **  There  is  no  economy  in 
that.  Though  a  patriot,  I  am  poor;  if 
my  own  country  will  not  patronise  me,  I 
must  seek  a  market  elsewhere." 

King  {to  Prime  Minister). — "  Take  this 
blackmailer  and  cut  off  his  head." 

A  Talisman 

Having  been  summoned  to  serve  as  a 
juror,  a  Prominent  Citizen  sent  a  physi- 
cian's certificate  stating  that  he  was  af- 
flicted with  softening  of  the  brain. 

"  The  gentleman  is  excused,"  said  the 
Judge,  handing  back  the  certificate  to  the 
person  who  had  brought  it,  "  he  has  a 
brain." 

The  Ancient  Order 

Hardly  had  that  ancient  order,  the 
Sultans    of   Exceeding    Splendour,  been 


T30  ffantasttc  ffables 

completely  founded  by  the  Grand  Flash- 
ing Inaccessible,  when  a  question  arose  as 
to  what  should  be  the  title  of  address 
among  the  members.  Some  wanted  it  to 
be  simply  "  my  Lord,"  others  held  out 
for  "  your  Dukeness,"  and  still  others 
preferred  *'  my  Sovereign  Liege."  Fi- 
nally the  gorgeous  jewel  of  the  order, 
gleaming  upon  the  breast  of  every  mem- 
ber, suggested  "  your  Badgesty,"  which 
was  adopted,  and  the  order  became  popu- 
larly known  as  the  Kings  of  Catarrh. 

A  Fatal  Disorder 

A  Dying  Man  who  had  been  shot  was 
requested  by  officers  of  the  law  to  make 
a  statement,  and  be  quick  about  it. 

**  You  were  assaulted  without  provoca- 
tion, of  course,"  said  the  District  Attor- 
ney, preparing  to  set  down  the  answer. 

**  No,"  replied  the  Dying  Man,  *'  I  was 
the  aggressor. '  * 

**  Yes,  I  understand,"  said  the  District 
Attorney;  **  you  committed  the  aggres- 
sion— you  were  compelled  to,  as  it  were. 
You  did  it  in  self-defence." 


Ifantastic  ifables  131 

**  I  don't  think  he  would  have  hurt  me  if 
I  had  let  him  alone, ' '  said  the  other.  *  *  No, 
I  fancy  he  was  a  man  of  peace,  and  would 
not  have  hurt  a  fly.  I  brought  such  a 
pressure  to  bear  on  him  that  he  naturally 
had  to  yield — he  could  n't  hold  out.  If 
he  had  refused  to  shoot  me  I  don't  see 
how  I  could  decently  have  continued  his 
acquaintance." 

**  Good  Heavens!  "  exclaimed  the  Dis- 
trict Attorney,  throwing  down  his  note- 
book and  pencil;  **  this  is  all  quite 
irregular.  I  can't  make  use  of  such  an 
ante-mortem  statement  as  that." 

"  I  never  before  knew  a  man  to  tell  the 
truth,"  said  the  Chief  of  Police,  **  when 
dying  of  violence." 

"  Violence  nothing!  "  the  Police  Sur- 
geon said,  pulling  out  and  inspecting  the 
man's  tongue — "  it  is  the  truth  that  is 
killing  him." 

The  Massacre 

Some  Holy  Missionaries  in  China  hav- 
ing been  deprived  of  life  by  the  Bigoted 


132  jfantastic  ffables 

Heathens,  the  Christian  Press  made  a  note 
of  it,  and  was  greatly  pained  to  point  out 
the  contrast  between  the  Bigoted  Hea- 
thens and  the  law-abiding  countrymen  of 
the  Holy  Missionaries  who  had  wickedly 
been  sent  to  eternal  bliss. 

**  Yes,"  assented  a  Miserable  Sinner,  as 
he  finished  reading  the  articles,  "  the 
Heathens  of  Ying  Shing  are  deceitful 
above  all  things  and  desperately  wicked. 
By  the  way,"  he  added,  turning  over 
the  paper  to  read  the  entertaining  and  in- 
structive Fables,  "  I  know  the  Heathenese 
lingo.  Ying  Shing  means  Rock  Creek ;  it 
is  in  the  Province  of  Wyo  Ming." 

A  Ship  and  a  Man 

Seeing  a  ship  sailing  by  upon  the  sea 
of  politics,  an  Ambitious  Person  started 
in  hot  pursuit  along  the  strand ;  but  the 
people's  eyes  being  fixed  upon  the  Presid- 
ency no  one  observed  the  pursuer.  This 
greatly  annoyed  him,  and  recollecting 
that  he  was  not  aquatic,  he  stopped  and 
shouted  across  the  waves'  tumultous  roar: 


fantastic  jfables  133 

**  Take  my  name  off  the  passenger  list. " 

Back  to  him  over  the  waters,  hollow  and 
heartless,  like  laughter  in  a  tomb,  rang 
the  voice  of  the  Skipper  : 

"  'T  ain't  on!" 

And  there,  in  the  focus  of  a  million 
pairs  of  convergent  eyes,  the  Ambitious 
Person  sat  him  down  between  the  sun  and 
moon  and  murmured  sadly  to  his  own 
soul: 

"  Marooned,  by  thunder!  " 

Congress  and  the  People 

Successive  Congresses  having  greatly 
impoverished  the  People,  they  were  dis- 
couraged and  wept  copiously. 

"  Why  do  you  weep  ?"  inquired  an 
Angel  who  had  perched  upon  a  fence 
near  by. 

"  They  have  taken  all  we  have,"  re- 
plied the  People  —  "  excepting,"  they 
added,  noting  the  suggestive  visitant — 
"  excepting  our  hope  in  Heaven.  Thank 
God,  they  cannot  deprive  us  of  that!  " 

But  at  last  came  the  Congress  of  1889. 


134  jfantasttc  ffables 

The  Justice  and  His  Accuser 

An  eminent  Justice  of  the  Supreme 
Court  of  Patagascar  was  accused  of  having 
obtained  his  appointment  by  fraud. 

**  You  wander,"  he  said  to  the  Accuser; 
"  it  is  of  little  importance  how  I  obtained 
my  power;  it  is  only  important  how  I 
have  used  it." 

"  I  confess,"  said  the  Accuser,  "  that 
in  comparison  with  the  rascally  way  in 
which  you  have  conducted  yourself  on  the 
Bench,  the  rascally  way  in  which  you  got 
there  does  seem  rather  a  trifle." 

The  Highwayman  and 
the  Traveller  .... 

A  Highwayman  confronted  a  Travel- 
ler, and  covering  him  with  a  firearm, 
shouted:  **  Your  money  or  your  life!  " 

**  My  good  friend,"  said  the  Traveller, 
"  according  to  the  terms  of  your  demand 
my  money  will  save  my  life,  my  life  my 
money;  you  imply  you  will  take  one  or 
the  other,  but  not  both.  If  that  is  what 
you  mean,  please  be  good  enough  to  take 
my  life." 


ffantasttc  ffables  135 

**  That  is  not  what  I  mean,"  said  the 
Highwayman;  "  you  cannot  save  your 
money  by  giving  up  your  life." 

**  Then  take  it,  anyhow,"  the  Traveller 
said.  "  If  it  will  not  save  my  money,  it 
is  good  for  nothing." 

The  Highwayman  was  so  pleased  with 
the  Traveller's  philosophy  and  wit  that 
he  took  him  into  partnership,  and  this 
splendid  combination  of  talent  started  a 
newspaper. 

The  Policeman  and  the  Citizen 

A  Policeman,  finding  a  man  that  had 
fallen  in  a  fit,  said,  "  This  man  is  drunk," 
and  began  beating  him  on  the  head  with 
his  club.     A  passing  Citizen  said : 

"  Why  do  you  murder  a  man  that  is 
already  harmless  ? ' ' 

Thereupon  the  Policeman  left  the  man 
in  a  fit  and  attacked  the  Citizen,  who,  after 
receiving  several  severe  contusions,  ran 
away. 

"  Alas,"  said  the  Policeman,  "  why  did 
I  not  attack  the  sober  one  before  exhaust- 
ing myself  upon  the  other  ?  " 


136  ffantasttc  ffables 

Thenceforward  he  pursued  that  plan, 
and  by  zeal  and  diligence  rose  to  be 
Chief,  and  sobriety  is  unknown  in  the 
region  subject  to  his  sway. 

The  Writer  and  the  Tramps 

An  Ambitious  Writer,  distinguished  for 
the  condition  of  his  linen,  was  travelling 
the  high  road  to  fame,  when  he  met  a 
Tramp. 

**  What  is  the  matter  with  your  shirt  ?  " 
inquired  the  Tramp. 

"  It  bears  the  marks  of  that  superb  un- 
concern which  is  the  characteristic  of 
genius,"  replied  the  Ambitious  Writer, 
contemptuously  passing  him  by. 

Resting  by  the  wayside  a  little  later, 
the  Tramp  carved  upon  the  smooth  bark 
of  a  birch-tree  the  words,  "  John  Gump, 
Champion  Genius." 

Two  Politicians 

Two  Politicians  were  exchanging  ideas 
regarding  the  rewards  for  public  service. 


ifantasttc  jfables  137 

**  The  reward  which  I  most  desire," 
said  the  First  PoHtician,  "  is  the  gratitude 
of  my  fellow-citizens." 

**  That  would  be  very  gratifying,  no 
doubt,"  said  the  Second  Politician,  "  but, 
alas !  in  order  to  obtain  it  one  has  to  retire 
from  politics." 

For  an  instant  they  gazed  upon  each 
other  with  inexpressible  tenderness ;  then 
the  First  Politician  murmured,  "  God's 
will  be  done!  Since  we  cannot  hope  for 
reward,  let  us  be  content  with  what  we 
have." 

And  lifting  their  right  hands  from  the 
public  treasury  they  swore  to  be  content. 

The  Fugitive  Office 

A  Traveller  arriving  at  the  capitol  of 
the  nation  saw  a  vast  plain  outside  the 
wall,  filled  with  struggling  and  shouting 
men.  While  he  looked  upon  the  alarm- 
ing spectacle  an  Office  broke  away  from 
the  Throng  and  took  shelter  in  a  tomb 
close  to  where  he  stood,  the  crowd  being 
too  intent  upon  hammering  one  another 


138  jfantasttc  ffables 

to  observe  that  the  cause  of  their  conten- 
tion had  departed. 

**  Poor  bruised  and  bleeding  creature/' 
said  the  compassionate  Traveller,  **  what 
misfortune  caused  you  to  be  so  far  away 
from  the  source  of  power  ?  " 

"  I  'sought  the  man,'  "  said  the  Office. 

The  Tyrant  Frog 

A  Snake  swallowing  a  frog  head-first 
was  approached  by  a  Naturalist  with  a 
stick. 

"  Ah,  my  deliverer,"  said  the  Snake  as 
well  as  he  could,  "  you  have  arrived  just 
in  time ;  this  reptile,  you  see,  is  pitching 
into  me  without  provocation." 

"  Sir,"  replied  the  Naturalist,  "  I  need 
a  snakeskin  for  my  collection,  but  if  you 
had  not  explained  I  should  not  have  in- 
terrupted you,  for  I  thought  you  were  at 
dinner." 

The  Eligible  Son-in-Law 

A  Truly  Pious  Person  who  conducted 
a  savings  bank  and  lent  money  to  his  sis- 


IFantasttc  jfables  139 

ters  and  his  cousins  and  his  aunts  of  both 
sexes,  was  approached  by  a  Tatterde- 
malion, who  applied  for  a  loan  of  one 
hundred  thousand  dollars. 

**  What  security  have  you  to  offer  ?" 
asked  the  Truly  Pious  Person. 

**  The  best  in  the  world,"  the  applicant 
replied,  confidentially;  **  I  am  about  to 
become  your  son-in-law." 

"  That  would  indeed  be  gilt-edged," 
said  the  banker,  gravely;  "  but  what 
claim  have  you  to  the  hand  of  my  daugh- 
ter ?" 

"  One  that  cannot  be  lightly  denied," 
said  the  Tatterdemalion.  **  I  am  about 
to  become  worth  one  hundred  thousand 
dollars. 

Unable  to  detect  a  weak  point  in  this 
scheme  of  mutual  advantage,  the  financier 
gave  the  promoter  in  disguise  an  order 
for  the  money,  and  wrote  a  note  to  his 
wife  directing  her  to  count  out  the  girl. 

The  Statesman  and  the  Horse 

A  Statesman  who  had  saved  his 
country  was  returning  from  Washington 


I40  jfantastic  jfables 

on  foot,  when  he  met  a  Race  Horse  going 
at  full  speed,  and  stopped  it. 

"  Turn  about  and  travel  the  other 
way,"  said  the  Statesman,  "^  and  I  will 
keep  you  company  as  far  as  my  home. 
The  advantages  of  travelling  together  are 
obvious." 

"  I  cannot  do  that,"  said  the  Race 
Horse;  "  I  am  following  my  master  to 
Washington. .  I  did  not  go  fast  enough 
to  suit  him,  and  he  has  gone  on  ahead." 

"  Who  is  your  master  ?  "  inquired  the 
Statesman. 

**  He  is  the  Statesman  who  saved  his 
country,"  answered  the  Race  Horse. 

"  There  appears  to  be  some  mistake," 
the  other  said.  "  Why  did  he  wish  to 
travel  so  fast  ?  * ' 

**  So  as  to  be  there  in  time  to  get  the 
country  that  he  saved." 

"  I  guess  he  got  it,"  said  the  other, 
and  limped  along,  sighing. 

An  iErophobe 

A  Celebrated  Divine  having  affirmed 
the  fallibility  of  the  Bible,  was  asked  why, 


ffantasttc  fables  141 

then,  he  preached  the  religion  founded 
upon  it. 

"  If  it  is  fallible,"  he  replied,  **  there  is 
the  greater  reason  that  I  explain  it,  lest  it 
mislead." 

"  Then  am  I  to  infer,"  said  his  Ques- 
tioner, **  thdit  you  are  not  fallible  ?  " 

**  You  are  to  infer  that  I  am  not  pneu- 
mophagous." 

The  Thrift  of  Strength 

A  Weak  Man  going  down-hill  met  a 
Strong  Man  going  up,  and  said : 

"  I  take  this  direction  because  it  requires 
less  exertion,  not  from  choice.  I  pray 
you,  sir,  assist  me  to  regain  the  summit." 

**  Gladly,"  said  the  Strong  Man,  his 
face  illuminated  with  the  glory  of  his 
thought.  **  I  have  always  considered  my 
strength  a  sacred  gift  in  trust  for  my  fel- 
low-men. I  will  take  you  along  with  me. 
Just  get  behind  me  and  push." 

The  Good  Government 

"  What  a  happy  land  you  are!  "  said 
a  Republican  Form  of  Government  to  a 


142  Jfantastic  ffables 

Sovereign  State.  "  Be  good  enough  to 
lie  still  while  I  walk  upon  you,  singing 
the  praises  of  universal  suffrage  and  des- 
canting upon  the  blessings  of  civil  and 
religious  liberty.  In  the  meantime  you 
can  relieve  your  feelings  by  cursing  the 
one-man  power  and  the  effete  monarchies 
of  Europe." 

"  My  public  servants  have  been  fools 
and  rogues  from  the  date  of  your  acces- 
sion to  power,"  replied  the  State;  **  my 
legislative  bodies,  both  State  and  munici- 
pal, are  bands  of  thieves;  my  taxes  are 
insupportable ;  my  courts  are  corrupt ;  my 
cities  are  a  disgrace  to  civilisation;  my 
corporations  have  their  hands  at  the 
throats  of  every  private  interest — all  my 
affairs  are  in  disorder  and  criminal  con- 
fusion." 

"  That  is  all  very  true,"  said  the  Re- 
publican Form  of  Government,  putting 
on  its  hobnail  shoes;  **  but  consider  how 
I  thrill  you  every  Fourth  of  July." 

The  Life  Saver 

An  Ancient  Maiden,  standing  on  the 


jfantastic  iFables  143 

edge  of  a  wharf  near  a  Modern  Swain,  was 
overheard  rehearsing  the  words : 

"  Noble  preserver!  The  life  that  you 
have  saved  is  yours !  * ' 

Having  repeated  them  several  times 
with  various  intonations,  she  sprang  into 
the  water,  where  she  was  suffered  to 
drown. 

I  am  a  noble  preserver,"  said  the 
Modern  Swain,  thoughtfully  moving 
away;  **  the  life  that  I  have  saved  is 
indeed  mine." 

The  Man  and  the  Bird 

A  Man  with  a  Shotgun  said  to  a  Bird : 

"It  is  all  nonsense,  you  know,  about 
shooting  being  a  cruel  sport.  I  put  my 
skill  against  your  cunning — that  is  all 
there  is  of  it.     It  is  a  fair  game." 

"  True,"  said  the  Bird,  *'  but  I  don't 
wish  to  play." 

"  Why  not  ?  "  inquired  the  Man  with 
a  Shotgun. 

**  The  game,"  the  Bird  replied,  **  is  fair 
as  you  say ;  the  chances  are  about  even ; 


144  ffantastic  fables 

but  consider  the  stake.     I   am  in  it  for 
you,  but  what  is  there  in  it  for  me  ?  " 

Not  being  prepared  with  an  answer  to 
the  question,  the  Man  with  a  Shotgun 
sagaciously  removed  the  propounded 

From  the  Minutes 

An  Orator  afflicted  with  atrophy  of  the 
organ  of  common-sense  rose  in  his  place 
in  the  halls  of  legislation  and  pointed 
with  pride  to  his  Unblotted  Escutcheon. 
Seeing  what  it  supposed  to  be  the  finger 
of  scorn  pointed  at  it,  the  Unblotted 
Escutcheon  turned  black  with  rage.  See- 
ing the  Unblotted  Escutcheon  turning 
black  with  what  he  supposed  to  be  the 
record  of  his  own  misdeeds  showing 
through  the  whitewash,  the  Orator  fell 
dead  of  mortification.  Seeing  the  Orator 
fall  dead  of  what  they  supposed  to  be 
atrophy  of  the  organ  of  common-sense, 
his  colleagues  resolved  that  whenever  they 
should  adjourn  because  they  were  tired, 
it  should  be  out  of  respect  to  the  mem- 
ory of  him  who  had  so  frequently  made 
them  so. 


jfantasttc  ifables  145 

Three  of  a  Kind 

A  Lawyer  in  whom  an  instinct  of 
justice  had  survived  the  wreck  of  his 
ignorance  of  law  was  retained  for  the  de- 
fence of  a  burglar  whom  the  police  had 
taken  after  a  desperate  struggle  with  some- 
one not  in  custody.  In  consultation  with 
his  client  the  Lawyer  asked,  "  Have  you 
accomplices  ? " 

**  Yes,  sir,"  replied  the  Burglar.  **  I 
have  two,  but  neither  has  been  taken. 
I  hired  one  to  defend  me  against  capture, 
you  to  defend  me  against  conviction.*' 

This  answer  deeply  impressed  the 
Lawyer,  and  having  ascertained  that  the 
Burglar  had  accumulated  no  money  in  his 
profession  he  threw  up  the  case. 

The  Fabulist  and  the  Animals 

A  WISE  and  illustrious  Writer  of  Fables 
was  visiting  a  travelling  menagerie  with  a 
view  to  collecting  literary  materials.  As 
he  was  passing  near  the  Elephant,  that 
animal  said : 


146  fantastic  ifables 

"  How  sad  that  so  justly  famous  a 
satirist  should  mar  his  work  by  ridicule 
of  people  with  long  noses — who  are  the 
salt  of  the  earth!  " 

The  Kangaroo  said : 

**  I  do  so  enjoy  that  great  man's  censure 
of  the  ridiculous — particularly  his  attacks 
on  the  Proboscidae ;  but,  alas !  he  has  no 
reverence  for  the  Marsupials,  and  laughs 
at  our  way  of  carrying  our  young  in  a 
pouch." 

The  Camel  said : 

**  If  he  would  only  respect  the  sacred 
Hump,  he  would  be  faultless.  As  it  is,  I 
cannot  permit  his  fables  to  be  read  in  the 
presence  of  my  family." 

The  Ostrich,  seeing  his  approach,  thrust 
her  head  in  the  straw,  saying : 

**  If  I  do  not  conceal  myself,  he  may  be 
reminded  to  write  something  disagreeable 
about  my  lack  of  a  crest  or  my  appetite 
for  scrap-iron;  and  although  he  is  inex- 
pressibly brilliant  when  he  devotes  himself 
to  censure  of  folly  and  greed,  his  dulness 
is  matchless  when  he  transcends  the  limits 
of  legitimate  comment." 


ifantasttc  ffables  147 

**  That,"  said  the  Buzzard  to  his  mate, 
"  is  the  distinguished  author  of  that  glori- 
ous fable,  *  The  Ostrich  and  the  Keg  of 
Raw  Nails.'  I  regret  to  add,  that  he 
wrote,  also,  *  The  Buzzard's  Feast,'  in 
which  a  carrion  diet  is  contumeliously  dis- 
paraged. A  carrion  diet  is  the  foundation 
of  sound  health.  If  nothing  else  but 
corpses  were  eaten,  death  would  be  un- 
known." 

Seeing  an  attendant  approaching,  the 
wise  and  illustrious  Writer  of  Fables 
passed  out  of  the  tent  and  mingled  with 
the  crowd.  It  was  afterward  discovered 
that  he  had  crept  in  under  the  canvas 
without  paying. 

A  Revivalist  Revived 

A  Revivalist  who  had  fallen  dead  in 
the  pulpit  from  too  violent  religious  exer- 
cise was  astonished  to  wake  up  in  Hades. 
He  promptly  sent  for  the  Adversary  of 
Souls  and  demanded  his  freedom,  explain- 
ing that  he  was  entirely  orthodox,  and 
had  always  led  a  pious  and  holy  life. 


148  ffantastic  ffables 

**  That  IS  all  very  true,"  said  the  Ad- 
versary, **  but  you  taught  by  example 
that  a  verb  should  not  agree  with  its  sub- 
ject in  person  and  number,  whereas  the 
Good  Book  says  that  contention  is  worse 
than  a  dinner  of  herbs.  You  also  tried  to 
release  the  objective  case  from  its  thral- 
dom to  the  preposition,  and  it  is  written 
that  servants  should  obey  their  masters. 
You  stay  right  here." 

The  Debaters 

A  HURLED-BACK  Allegation,  which, 
after  a  brief  rest,  had  again  started  forth 
upon  its  mission  of  mischief,  met  an  Ink- 
stand in  mid-air. 

"  How  did  the  Honourable  Member 
whom  you  represent  know  that  I  was 
coming  again?"  inquired  the  Hurled- 
back  Allegation. 

"  He  did  not,"  the  Inkstand  replied; 
"  he  is  n't  at  all  forehanded  at  repartee." 

"  Why,  then,  do  you  come,  things  being 
even  when  he  had  hurled  me  back  ?  " 

*'  He  wanted  to  be  a  little  ahead." 


jfantasttc  jfables  149 

Two  of  the  Pious 

A  Christian  and  a  Heathen  in  His 
Blindness  were  disputing,  when  the  Christ- 
ian, with  that  charming  consideration 
which  serves  to  distinguish  the  truly  pious 
from  the  wolves  that  perish,  exclaimed : 

"  If  I  could  have  my  way,  I  'd  blow  up 
all  your  gods  with  dynamite." 

"  And  if  I  could  have  mine,"  retorted 
the  Heathen  in  His  Blindness,  bitterly 
malevolent  but  oleaginuously  suave,  "  I  'd 
fan  all  yours  out  of  the  universe." 

The  Desperate  Object 

A  Dishonest  Gain  was  driving  in  its 
luxurious  carriage  through  its  private 
park,  when  it  saw  something  which  fran- 
tically and  repeatedly  ran  against  a 
stone  wall,  endeavouring  to  butt  out  its 
brains. 

"  Hold!  Hold!  thou  desperate  Object," 
cried  the  Dishonest  Gain ;  *  *  these  beauti- 
ful private  grounds  are  no  place  for  such 
work  as  thine." 


ISO  ffantasttc  jfables 

**  True,"  said  the  Object,  pausing;  **  I 
have  other  and  better  grounds  for  it." 

*'  Then  thou  art  a  happy  man,"  said 
the  Dishonest  Gain,  "  and  thy  bleeding 
head  is  but  mere  dissembling.  Who  art 
thou,  great  actor  ?  " 

'*  I  am  known,"  said  the  Object,  dash- 
ing itself  again  at  the  wall,  **  as  the  Con- 
sciousness of  Duty  Well  Performed." 

The  Appropriate  Memorial 

A  High  Public  Functionary  having 
died,  the  citizens  of  his  town  held  a  meet- 
ing to  consider  how  to  honour  his  memory, 
and  an  Other  High  Public  Functionary 
rose  and  addressed  the  meeting. 

**  Mr.  Chairman  and  Gintlemen,"  said 
the  Other,  *'  it  sames  to  me,  and  I  *m 
hopin'  yez  wull  approve  the  suggistion, 
that  an  appropriet  way  to  honour  the 
mimory  of  the  decaised  would  be  to  erect 
an  emolument  sootably  inscribed  wid  his 
vartues." 

The  soul  of  the  great  man  looked  down 
from  Heaven  and  wept. 


JFantasttc  jfables  151 

A  Needless  Labour 

After  waiting  many  a  weary  day  to 
revenge  himself  upon  a  Lion  for  some 
unconsidered  manifestation  of  contempt, 
a  Skunk  finally  saw  him  coming,  and  post- 
ing himself  in  the  path  ahead  uttered  the 
inaudible  discord  of  his  race.  Observing 
that  the  Lion  gave  no  attention  to  the 
matter,  the  Skunk,  keeping  carefully  out 
of  reach,  said : 

"  Sir,  I  beg  leave  to  point  out  that  I 
have  set  on  foot  an  implacable  odour." 

"  My  dear  fellow,"  the  Lion  replied, 
"  you  have  taken  a  needless  trouble;  I 
already  knew  that  you  were  a  Skunk." 

A  Flourishing  Industry 

**  Are  the  industries  of  this  country  in 
a  flourishing  condition  ?  "  asked  a  Travel- 
ler from  a  Foreign  Land  of  the  first  man 
he  met  in  America. 

"  Splendid!  "  said  the  Man.  **  I  have 
more  orders  than  I  can  fill." 

"  What  is  your  business  ?  "  the  Travel- 
ler from  a  Foreign  Land  inquired. 


152  ifantasttc  fables 

The  Man  replied,  ''  I  make  boxing- 
gloves  for  the  tongues  of  pugilists." 

The  Self-Made  Monkey 

A  Man  of  humble  birth  and  no  breed- 
ing, who  held  a  high  political  office,  was 
passing  through  a  forest,  when  he  met  a 
Monkey. 

I  take  it  you  are  one  of  my  constitu- 
ents," the  Man  said. 

"  No,"  replied  the  Monkey;  '*  but  I 
will  support  you  if  you  can  urge  a  valid 
claim  to  my  approval." 

"I  am  a  self-made  man,"  said  the 
other,  proudly. 

"  That  is  nothing,"  the  Monkey  said. 
And  going  to  a  bigger  pine,  he  rose  by 
his  own  unaided  exertions  to  the  top 
branch,  where  he  sat,  all  bedaubed  with 
the  pitch  which  that  vegetable  exudes. 
"  Now,"  he  added,  **  I  am  a  self-made 
Monkey." 

The  Patriot  and  the  Banker 

A  Patriot  who  had  taken  office  poor 


jFantasttc  ffables  153 

and  retired  rich  was  introduced  at  a  bank 
where  he  desired  to  open  an  account. 

"  With  pleasure,"  said  the  Honest 
Banker;  "  we  shall  be  glad  to  do  business 
with  you ;  but  first  you  must  make  your- 
self an  honest  man  by  restoring  what  you 
stole  from  the  Government." 

"Good  heavens!"  cried  the  Patriot; 
"  if  I  do  that,  I  shall  have  nothing  to  de- 
posit with  you." 

"  I  don't  see  that,"  the  Honest  Banker 
replied.  '*  We  are  not  the  whole  Ameri- 
can people." 

"  Ah,  I  understand,"  said  the  Patriot, 
musing.  "  At  what  sum  do  you  estimate 
this  bank's  proportion  of  the  country's 
loss  by  me  ?  " 

About  a  dollar, '  *  answered  the  Honest 
Banker. 

And  with  a  proud  consciousness  of 
serving  his  country  wisely  and  well  he 
charged  that  sum  to  the  account. 

The  Mourning  Brothers 

Observing  that  he  was  about  to  die, 


154  ifantasttc  ffables 

an  Old  Man  called  his  two  Sons  to  his 
bedside  and  expounded  the  situation. 

**  My  children,"  said  he,  **  you  have 
not  shown  me  many  marks  of  respect 
during  my  life,  but  you  will  attest  your 
sorrow  for  my  death.  To  him  who  the 
longer  wears  a  weed  upon  his  hat  in 
memory  of  me  shall  go  my  entire  fortune. 
I  have  made  a  will  to  that  effect." 

So  when  the  Old  Man  was  dead  each  of 
the  youths  put  a  weed  upon  his  hat  and 
wore  it  until  he  was  himself  old,  when, 
seeing  that  neither  would  give  in,  they 
agreed  that  the  younger  should  leave  off 
his  weeds  and  the  elder  give  him  half  of 
the  estate.  But  when  the  elder  applied 
for  the  property  he  found  that  there  had 
been  an  Executor! 

Thus  were  hyprocrisy  and  obstinacy 
fitly  punished. 

The  Disinterested  Arbiter 

Two  Dogs  who  had  been  fighting  for  a 
bone,  without  advantage  to  either,  re- 
ferred  their   dispute   to   a   Sheep,     The 


Ifantasttc  ifables  155 

Sheep  patiently  heard  their  statements, 
then  flung  the  bone  into  a  pond. 

"Why  did  you  do  that?"  said  the 
Dogs. 

"  Because/*  replied  the  Sheep,  "  I  am 
a  vegetarian. 

The  Thief  and  the  Honest  Man 

A  Thief  who  had  brought  a  suit 
against  his  accomplices  to  recover  his 
share  of  the  plunder  taken  from  an  Honest 
Man,  demanded  the  Honest  Man's  attend- 
ance at  the  trial  to  testify  to  his  loss.  But 
the  Honest  Man  explained  that  as  he  was 
merely  the  agent  of  a  company  of  other 
honest  men  it  was  none  of  his  affair;  and 
when  the  officers  came  to  serve  him  with 
a  subpoena  he  hid  himself  behind  his  back 
and  wiled  away  the  dragging  hours  of  re- 
tirement and  inaction  by  picking  his  own 
pockets. 

The  Dutiful  Son 

A  Millionaire  who  had  gone  to  an 


156  ffantasttc  iFables 

almshouse  to  visit  his  father  met  a  Neigh- 
bour there,  who  was  greatly  surprised. 

**  What!  "  said  the  Neighbour,  **  you 
do  sometimes  visit  your  father  ?  " 

"  If  our  situations  were  reversed,"  said 
the  Millionaire,  "  I  am  sure  he  would 
visit  me.  The  old  man  has  always  been 
rather  proud  of  me.  Besides,"  he  added, 
softly,  *'  I  had  to  have  his  signature;  I 
am  insuring  his  hfe." 


iESOPUS  EMENDATUS 


157 


The  Cat  and  the  Youth 

A  Cat  fell  in  love  with  a  handsome 
Young  Man,  and  entreated  Venus  to 
change  her  into  a  woman. 

I  should  think,"  said  Venus,  **  you 
might  make  so  trifling  a  change  without 
bothering  me.     However,  be  a  woman." 

Afterward,  wishing  to  see  if  the  change 
were  complete,  Venus  caused  a  mouse  to 
approach,  whereupon  the  woman  shrieked 
and  made  such  a  show  of  herself  that  the 
Young  Man  would  not  marry  her. 

The  Farmer  and  His  Sons 

A  Farmer  being  about  to  die,  and 
knowing  that  during  his  illness  his  Sons 
had  permitted  the  vineyard  to  become 
overgrown  with  weeds  while  they  im- 
proved the  shining  hour  by  gambling 
with  the  doctor,  said  to  them: 

159 


i6o  jfantasttc  ffables 

"  My  boys,  there  is  a  great  treasure 
buried  in  the  vineyard.  You  dig  in  the 
ground  until  you  find  it." 

So  the  Sons  dug  up  all  the  weeds,  and 
all  the  vines  too,  and  even  neglected  to 
bury  the  old  man. 

Jupiter  and  the  Baby  Show 

Jupiter  held  a  baby  show,  open  to  all 
animals,  and  a  Monkey  entered  her  hideous 
cub  for  a  prize,  but  Jupiter  only  laughed 
at  her. 

**  It  is  all  very  well,"  said  the  Monkey, 
"  to  laugh  at  my  offspring,  but  you  go 
into  any  gallery  of  antique  sculpture  and 
look  at  the  statues  and  busts  of  the  fellows 
that  you  begot  yourself." 

**  'Sh!  don't  expose  me,"  said  Jupiter, 
and  awarded  her  the  first  prize. 

The  Man  and  the  Dog 

A  Man  who  had  been  bitten  by  a  Dog 
was  told  that  the  wound  would  heal  if  he 


fantastic  ffables  i6i 

would  dip  a  piece  of  bread  in  the  blood 
and  give  it  to  the  Dog.     He  did  so. 

"  No,"  said  the  Dog;  "  if  I  were  to  ac- 
cept that,  it  might  be  thought  that  in 
biting  you  I  was  actuated  by  improper 
motives." 

"  And  by  what  motives  were  you  actu- 
ated ?  "  asked  the  Man. 

I  desired,"  replied  the  Dog,  "  merely 
to  harmonise  myself  with  the  Divine 
Scheme  of  Things.  I  'm  a  child  of 
Nature." 

The  Cat  and  the  Birds 

Hearing  that  the  Birds  in  an  aviary 
were  ill,  a  Cat  went  to  them  and  said  that 
he  was  a  physician,  and  would  cure  them 
if  they  would  let  him  in. 

**  To  what  school  of  medicine  do  you 
belong  ?  "  asked  the  Birds. 

"  I  am  a  Miaulopathist,"  said  the  Cat. 

"  Did  you  ever  practise  Gohomceo- 
pathy  ? "  the  Birds  inquired,  winking 
faintly. 

The  Cat  took  the  hint  and  his  leave. 


1 62  jFantastic  ffables 

Mercury  and  the  Woodchopper 

A  Woodchopper,  who  had  dropped 
his  ax  into  a  deep  pool,  besought  Mercury 
to  recover  it  for  him.  That  thoughtless 
deity  immediately  plunged  into  the  pool, 
which  became  so  salivated  that  the  trees 
about  its  margin  all  came  loose  and 
dropped  out. 

The  Fox  and  the  Grapes 

A  FOX,  seeing  some  sour  grapes  hang- 
ing within  an  inch  of  his  nose,  and  being 
unwilling  to  admit  that  there  was  any- 
thing he  would  not  eat,  solemnly  declared 
that  they  were  out  of  his  reach. 

The  Penitent  Thief 

A  Boy  who  had  been  taught  by  his 
Mother  to  steal  grew  to  be  a  man  and  was 
a  professional  public  ofificial.  One  day  he 
was  taken  in  the  act  and  condemned  to 
die.  While  going  to  the  place  of  execu- 
tion he  passed  his  Mother  and  said  to  her: 


fantastic  ffablea  163 

**  Behold  your  work!  If  you  had  not 
taught  me  to  steal,  I  should  not  have 
come  to  this." 

"  Indeed!  "  said  the  Mother.  "  And 
who,  pray,  taught  you  to  be  detected  ?  " 

The  Archer  and  the  Eagle 

An  Eagle  mortally  wounded  by  an 
Archer  was  greatly  comforted  to  observe 
that  the  arrow  was  feathered  with  one  of 
his  own  quills. 

**  I  should  have  felt  bad,  indeed,"  he 
said,  "  to  think  that  any  other  eagle  had 
a  hand  in  this." 

Truth  and  the  Traveller 

A  Man  travelling  in  a  desert  met  a 
Woman. 

"  Who  art  thou  ?  "  asked  the  Man, 
**  and  why  dost  thou  dwell  in  this  dread- 
ful place  ?" 

"  My  name,"  replied  the  Woman,  *'  is 
Truth ;  and  I  live  in  the  desert  in  order  to 
be  near  my  worshippers  when  they  are 


1 64  fantastic  ffables 

driven  from  among  their  fellows.     They 
all  come,  sooner  or  later." 

"  Well,"  said  the  Man,  looking  about, 
**  the  country  does  n't  seem  to  be  very 
thickly  settled  here." 

The  Wolf  and  the  Lamb 

A  Lamb,  pursued  by  a  Wolf,  fled  into 
the  temple. 

**  The  priest  will  catch  you  and  sacri- 
fice you,"  said  the  Wolf,  **  if  you  remain 
there." 

"It  is  just  as  well  to  be  sacrificed  by 
the  priest  as  to  be  eaten  by  you,"  said  the 
Lamb. 

"  My  friend,"  said  the  Wolf,  **  it  pains 
me  to  see  you  considering  so  great  a  ques- 
tion from  a  purely  selfish  point  of  view. 
It  is  not  just  as  well  for  me." 

The  Lion  and  the  Boar. 

A  Lion  and  a  Boar,  who  were  fighting 
for  water  at  a  pool,  saw  some  vultures 
hovering  significantly  above  them.     **  Let 


ffantasttc  jfables  165 

us  make  up  our  quarrel,"  said  the  Boar, 
*  *  or  these  fellows  will  get  one  of  us,  sure.  * ' 
"  I  should  not  so  much  mind  that,"  re- 
plied the  Lion,  **  if  they  would  get  the 
right  one.  However,  I  am  willing  to  stop 
fighting,  and  then  perhaps  I  can  grab  a 
vulture.  I  like  chicken  better  than  pork, 
anyhow. '  * 

The  Grasshopper  and  the  Ant 

One  day  in  winter  a  hungry  Grasshop- 
per applied  to  an  Ant  for  some  of  the  food 
which  they  had  stored. 

**  Why,"  said  the  Ant,  "  did  you  not 
store  up  some  food  for  yourself,  instead 
of  singing  all  the  time  ?  " 

**  So  I  did,"  said  the  Grasshopper;  "  so 
I  did ;  but  you  fellows  broke  in  and  carried 
it  all  away.  *  * 

The  Fisher  and  the  Fished 

A  Fisherman  who  had  caught  a  very 
small  Fish  was  putting  it  in  his  basket 
when  it  said : 

**  I  pray  you  put  me  back  into  the 


1 66  jfantasttc  fables 

stream,  for  I  can  be  of  no  use  to  you ;  the 
gods  do  not  eat  fish." 

"But  I  am  no  god,"  said  the  Fisherman. 

*  *  True, ' '  said  the  Fish,  '  *  but  as  soon  as 
Jupiter  has  heard  of  your  exploit,  he  will 
elevate  you  to  the  deitage.  You  are  the 
only  man  that  ever  caught  a  small  fish." 

The  Farmer  and  the  Fox 

A  Farmer  who  had  a  deadly  and  im- 
placable hatred  against  a  certain  Fox, 
caught  him  and  tied  some  tow  to  his  tail; 
then  carrying  him  to  the  centre  of  his  own 
grain-field,  set  the  tow  on  fire  and  let  the 
animal  go. 

"  Alas!"  said  the  Farmer,  seeing  the 
result ;  "  if  that  grain  had  not  been  heavily 
insured,  I  might  have  had  to  dissemble  my 
hatred  of  the  Fox." 

Dame  Fortune  and 
the  Traveller.    .    . 

A  WEARY  Traveller  who  had  lain  down 
and  fallen  asleep  on  the  brink  of  a  deep 
well  was  discovered  by  Dame  Fortune. 


jFantasttc  jfables  167 

**  If  this  fool,"  she  said,  "  should  have 
an  uneasy  dream  and  roll  into  the  well 
men  would  say  that  I  did  it.  It  is  pain- 
ful to  me  to  be  unjustly  accused,  and  I 
shall  see  that  I  am  not." 

So  saying  she  rolled  the  man  into  the 
well. 

The  Victor  and  the  Victim 

Two  Game  Cocks,  having  fought  a 
battle,  the  defeated  one  skulked  away 
and  hid,  but  the  victor  mounted  a  wall 
and  crowed  lustily.  This  attracted  the 
attention  of  a  hawk,  who  said : 

"  Behold!  how  pride  goeth  before  a 
fall." 

So  he  swooped  down  upon  the  boasting 
bird  and  was  about  to  destroy  him,  when 
the  vanquished  Cock  came  out  of  his 
hiding-place,  and  between  the  two  the 
Hawk  was  calamitously  defeated. 

The  Wolf  and  the  Shepherds 

A  Wolf  passing  a  Shepherd's  hut 
looked  in  and  saw  the  shepherds  dining. 


i68  jfantastic  jfables 

**  Come  in,"  said  one  of  them,  ironi- 
cally, "  and  partake  of  your  favourite 
dish,  a  haunch  of  mutton." 

"  Thank  you,"  said  the  Wolf,  moving 
away,  "  but  you  must  excuse  me;  I  have 
just  had  a  saddle  of  shepherd." 

The  Goose  and  the  Swan 

A  CERTAIN  rich  man  reared  a  Goose  and 
a  Swan,  the  one  for  his  table,  the  other 
because  she  was  reputed  a  good  singer. 
One  night  when  the  Cook  went  to  kill  the 
Goose  he  got  hold  of  the  Swan  instead. 
Thereupon  the  Swan,  to  induce  him  to 
spare  her  life,  began  to  sing;  but  she 
saved  him  nothing  but  the  trouble  of 
killing  her,  for  she  died  of  the  song. 

The  Lion,  the  Cock,  and  the  Ass 

A  Lion  was  about  to  attack  a  braying 
Ass,  when  a  Cock  near  by  crowed  shrilly, 
and  the  Lion  ran  away.  "  What  fright- 
ened him  ?  "  the  Ass  asked. 

"  Lions  have  a  superstitious  terror  of 
my  voice,"  answered  the  Cock,  proudly. 


Ifantastfc  ifables  169 

'*  Well,  well,  well,"  said  the  Ass,  shak- 
ing his  head;  **  I  should  think  that  any 
animal  that  is  afraid  of  your  voice  and 
does  n't  mind  mine  must  have  an  uncom- 
mon kind  of  ear." 

The  Snake  and  the  Swallow 

A  Swallow  who  had  built  her  nest  in 
a  court  of  justice  reared  a  fine  family  of 
young  birds.  One  day  a  Snake  came  out 
of  a  chink  in  the  wall  and  was  about  to 
eat  them.  The  Just  Judge  at  once  issued 
an  injunction,  and  making  an  order  for 
their  removal  to  his  own  house,  ate  them 
himself. 

The  Wolves  and  the  Dogs 

"  Why  should  there  be  strife  betweei? 
us?"  said  the  Wolves  to  the  Sheep. 
**  It  is  all  owing  to  those  quarrelsome 
dogs.  Dismiss  them,  and  we  shall  have 
peace." 

'*  You  seem  to  think,"  replied  the 
Sheep,  **  that  it  is  an  easy  thing  to  dis- 


170  fantastic  jfables 

miss  dogs.     Have   you    always  found  it 
so?" 

The  Hen  and  the  Vipers 

A  Hen  who  had  patiently  hatched  out 
a  brood  of  vipers,  was  accosted  by  a 
Swallow,  who  said:  **  What  a  fool  you 
are  to  give  life  to  creatures  who  will  re- 
ward you  by  destroying  you." 

**  I  am  a  little  bit  on  the  destroy  my- 
self," said  the  Hen,  tranquilly  swallowing 
one  of  the  little  reptiles;  "  and  it  is  not 
an  act  of  folly  to  provide  oneself  with  the 
delicacies  of  the  season." 

A  Seasonable  Joke 

A  Spendthrift,  seeing  a  single  swal- 
low, pawned  his  cloak,  thinking  that 
Summer  was  at  hand.     It  was. 

The  Lion  and  the  Thorn 

A  Lion  roaming  through  the  forest, 
got  a  thorn  in  his  foot,  and,  meeting  a 
Shepherd,  asked  him  to  remove  it.     The 


jFantasttc  ifables  171 

Shepherd  did  so,  and  the  Lion,  having 
just  surfeited  himself  on  another  shepherd, 
went  away  without  harming  him.  Some 
time  afterward  the  Shepherd  was  con- 
demned on  a  false  accusation  to  be  cast  to 
the  lions  in  the  amphitheatre.  When  they 
were  about  to  devour  him,  one  of  them 
said: 

"  This  is  the  man  who  removed  the 
thorn  from  my  foot." 

Hearing  this,  the  others  honourably 
abstained,  and  the  claimant  ate  the  Shep- 
herd all  himself. 

The  Fawn  and  the  Buck 

A  Fawn  said  to  its  father:  "  You  are 
larger,  stronger,  and  more  active  than  a 
dog,  and  you  have  sharp  horns.  Why  do 
you  run  away  when  you  hear  one  bark- 
ing ?  " 

"  Because,  my  child,"  replied  the  Buck, 
**  my  temper  is  so  uncertain  that  if  I  per- 
mit one  of  those  noisy  creatures  to  come 
into  my  presence  I  am  likely  to  forget 
myself  and  do  him  an  injury." 


172  jfantasttc  ifables 

The  Kite,  the  Pigeons, 
and  the  Hawk     .     .     . 

Some  Pigeons  exposed  to  the  attacks 
of  a  Kite  asked  a  Hawk  to  defend  them. 
He  consented,  and  being  admitted  into 
the  cote  waited  for  the  Kite,  whom  he  fell 
upon  and  devoured.  When  he  was  so 
surfeited  that  he  could  scarcely  move,  the 
grateful  Pigeons  scratched  out  his  eyes. . 

The  Wolf  and  the  Babe 

A  Famishing  Wolf,  passing  the  door 
of  a  cottage  in  the  forest,  heard  a  Mother 
say  to  her  babe  : 

**  Be  quiet,  or  I  will  throw  you  out  of 
the  window,  and  the  wolves  will  get  you." 

So  he  waited  all  day  below  the  window, 
growing  more  hungry  all  the  time.  But 
at  night  the  Old  Man,  having  returned 
from  the  village  club,  threw  out  both 
Mother  and  Child. 

The  Wolf  and  the  Ostrich 

A  Wolf,  who  in  devouring  a  man  had 


Ifantasttc  ffables  173 

choked  himself  with  a  bunch  of  keys, 
asked  an  ostrich  to  put  her  head  down  his 
throat  and  pull  them  out,  which  she  did. 

**  I   suppose,"   said  the  Wolf,  **  you 
expect  payment  for  that  service." 

**  A  kind  act,"  replied  the  Ostrich,  **  is 
its  own  reward ;  I  have  eaten  the  keys. ' ' 

The  Herdsman  and  the  Lion 

A  Herdsman  who  had  lost  a  bullock 
entreated  the  gods  to  bring  him  the  thief, 
and  vowed  he  would  sacrifice  a  goat  to 
them.  Just  then  a  Lion,  his  jaws  drip- 
ping with  bullock's  blood,  approached  the 
Herdsman. 

"  I  thank  you,  good  deities,"  said  the 
Herdsman,  continuing  his  prayer,  **  for 
showing  me  the  thief.  And  now  if  you 
will  take  him  away,  I  will  stand  another 
goat." 

The  Man  and  the  Viper 

A  Man  finding  a  frozen  Viper  put  it 
into  his  bosom. 


174  fantastic  jfables 

**  The  coldness  of  the  human  heart," 
he  said,  with  a  grin,  "  will  keep  the  creat- 
ure in  his  present  condition  until  I  can 
reach  home  and  revive  him  on  the  coals." 

But  the  pleasures  of  hope  so  fired  his 
heart  that  the  Viper  thawed,  and  sliding 
to  the  ground  thanked  the  Man  civilly  for 
his  hospitality  and  glided  away. 

The  Man  and  the  Eagle 

An  Eagle  was  once  captured  by  a  Man, 
who  clipped  his  wings  and  put  him  in  the 
poultry  yard,  along  with  the  chickens. 
The  Eagle  was  much  depressed  in  spirits 
by  the  change. 

"  Why  should  you  not  rather  rejoice  ?  " 
said  the  Man.  "  You  were  only  an  ordin- 
ary fellow  as  an  eagle;  but  as  an  old 
rooster  you  are  a  fowl  of  incomparable 
distinction. 

The  War-horse  and  the  Miller 

Having  heard  that  the  State  was  about 
to  be  invaded  by  a  hostile  army,  a  War- 


jfantasttc  ffables  175 

horse  belonging  to  a  Colonel  of  the  Militia 
offered  his  services  to  a  passing  Miller. 

"  No,"  said  the  patriotic  Miller,  "  I  will 
employ  no  one  who  deserts  his  position  in 
the  hour  of  danger.  It  is  sweet  to  die  for 
one's  country." 

Something  in  the  sentiment  sounded 
familiar,  and,  looking  at  the  Miller  more 
closely  the  War-horse  recognised  his  mas- 
ter in  disguise. 

The  Dog  and  the  Reflection 

A  Dog  passing  over  a  stream  on  a 
plank  saw  his  reflection  in  the  water. 

'*  You  ugly  brute!  "  he  cried;  '*  how 
dare  you  look  at  me  in  that  insolent 
way. '  * 

He  made  a  grab  in  the  water,  and,  get- 
ting hold  of  what  he  supposed  was  the 
other  dog's  lip,  lifted  out  a  fine  piece  of 
meat  which  a  butcher's  boy  had  dropped 
into  the  stream. 

The  Man  and  the  Fish-horn 

A  Truthful  Man,  finding  a  musical 


176  fantastic  Jfables 

instrument  in  the  road,  asked  the  name  of 
it,  and  was  told  that  it  was  a  fish-horn. 
The  next  time  he  went  fishing  he  set  his 
nets  and  blew  the  fish-horn  all  day  to 
charm  the  fish  into  them  ;  but  at  nightfall 
there  were  not  only  no  fish  in  his  nets, 
but  none  along  that  part  of  the  coast. 
Meeting  a  friend  while  on  his  way  home 
he  was  asked  what  luck  he  had  had. 

"  Well,"  said  the  Truthful  Man,  "  the 
weather  is  not  right  for  fishing,  but  it  's 
a  red-letter  day  for  music." 

The  Hare  and  the  Tortoise 

A  Hare  having  ridiculed  the  slow 
movements  of  a  Tortoise,  was  challenged 
by  the  latter  to  run  a  race,  a  Fox  to  go 
to  the  goal  and  be  the  judge.  They  got 
off  well  together,  the  hare  at  the  top  of 
her  speed,  the  Tortoise,  who  had  no  other 
intention  than  making  his  antagonist  exert 
herself,  going  very  leisurely.  After  saun- 
tering along  for  some  time  he  discovered 
the  Hare  by  the  wayside,  apparently 
asleep,  and  seeing  a  chance  to  win  pushed 


ffantastic  jfables  177 

on  as  fast  as  he  could,  arriving  at  the  goal 
hours  afterward,  suffering  from  extreme 
fatigue  and  claiming  the  victory. 

**  Not  so/'  said  the  Fox;  "  the  Hare 
was  here  long  ago,  and  went  back  to  cheer 
you  on  your  way." 

Hercules  and  the  Carter 

A  Carter  was  driving  a  waggon  loaded 
with  a  merchant's  goods,  when  the  wheels 
stuck  in  a  rut.  Thereupon  he  began  to 
pray  to  Hercules,  without  other  exertion. 

**  Indolent  fellow!"  said  Hercules; 
"  you  ask  me  to  help  you,  but  will  not 
help  yourself." 

So  the  Carter  helped  himself  to  so  many 
of  the  most  valuable  goods  that  the  horses 
easily  ran  away  with  the  remainder. 

The  Lion  and  the  Bull 

A  Lion  wishing  to  lure  a  Bull  to  a  place 
where  it  would  be  safe  to  attack  him,  said : 

My  friend,  I  have  killed  a  fine  sheep; 
will  you  come  with  me  and  partake  of  the 
mutton  ?  " 


178  ifantasttc  ffables 

**  With  pleasure,"  said  the  Bull,  **  as 
soon  as  you  have  refreshed  yourself  a 
little  for  the  journey.  Pray  have  some 
grass. ' ' 

The  Man  and  his  Goose 

**  See  these  valuable  golden  eggs,"  said 
a  Man  that  owned  a  Goose.  **  Surely  a 
Goose  which  can  lay  such  eggs  as  those 
must  have  a  gold  mine  inside  her." 

So  he  killed  the  Goose  and  cut  her 
open,  but  found  that  she  was  just  like 
any  other  goose.  Moreover,  on  examin- 
ing the  eggs  that  she  had  laid  he  found 
they  were  just  like  any  other  eggs. 

The  Wolf  and  the  Feeding  Goat 

A  Wolf  saw  a  Goat  feeding  at  the 
summit  of  a  rock,  where  he  could  not  get 
at  her. 

"  Why  do  you  stay  up  there  in  that 
sterile  place  and  go  hungry?"  said  the 
Wolf.  "  Down  here  where  I  am  the 
broken-bottle  vine  cometh  up  as  a  flower, 


yantasttc  fables  179 

the  celluloid  collar  blossoms  as  the  rose, 
and  the  tin-can  tree  brings  forth  after  its 
kind." 

**  That  is  true,  no  doubt,"  said  the 
Goat,  **  but  how  about  the  circus-poster 
crop  ?  I  hear  that  it  failed  this  year  down 
there." 

The  Wolf,  perceiving  that  he  was  being 
chaffed,  went  away  and  resumed  his  duties 
at  the  doors  of  the  poor. 

Jupiter  and  the  Birds 

Jupiter  commanded  all  the  birds  to 
appear  before  him,  so  that  he  might  choose 
the  most  beautiful  to  be  their  king.  The 
ugly  Jackdaw,  collecting  all  the  fine 
feathers  which  had  fallen  from  the  other 
birds,  attached  them  to  his  own  body  and 
appeared  at  the  examination,  looking  very 
gay.  The  other  birds,  recognising  their 
own  borrowed  plumage,  indignantly  pro- 
tested, and  began  to  strip  him. 

"  Hold!  "  said  Jupiter;  "  this  self-made 
bird  has  more  sense  than  any  of  you.  He 
is  your  king." 


i8o  fantastic  ffables 

The  Lion  and  the  Mouse 

A  Lion  who  had  caught  a  Mouse  was 
about  to  kill  him,  when  the  Mouse  said : 

**  If  you  will  spare  my  life,  I  will  do  as 
much  for  you  some  day." 

The  Lion,  good-naturedly  let  him  go. 
It  happened  shortly  afterwards  that  the 
Lion  was  caught  by  some  hunters  and 
bound  with  cords.  The  Mouse,  passing 
that  way,  and  seeing  that  his  benefactor 
was  helpless,  gnawed  off  his  tail. 

The  Old  Man  and  His  Sons 

An  Old  Man,  afflicted  with  a  family  of 
contentious  Sons,  brought  in  a  bundle 
of  sticks  and  asked  the  young  men  to 
break  it.  After  repeated  efforts  they  con- 
fessed that  it  could  not  be  done.  "  Be- 
hold," said  the  Old  Man,  **  the  advantage 
of  unity;  as  long  as  these  sticks  are  in 
alliance  they  are  invincible,  but  observe 
how  feeble  they  are  individually." 

Pulling  a  single  stick  from  the  bundle, 
he  broke  it  easily  upon  the  head  of  the 


ffantasttc  ifables  iSi 

eldest  Son,  and  this  he  repeated  until  all 
had  been  served. 


The  Crab  and  His  Son 

A  Logical  Crab  said  to  his  Son,  **  Why 
do  you  not  walk  straight  forward  ?  Your 
sidelong  gait  is  singularly  ungraceful.'* 

**  Why  don't  you  walk  straight  forward 
yourself,"  said  the  Son. 

**  Erring  youth,"  replied  the  Logical 
Crab,  **  you  are  introducing  new  and  ir- 
relevant matter." 


The  North  Wind  and  the  Sun 

The  Sun  and  the  North  Wind  disputed 
which  was  the  more  powerful,  and  agreed 
that  he  should  be  declared  victor  who 
could  the  sooner  strip  a  traveller  of  his 
clothes.  So  they  waited  until  a  traveller 
came  by.  But  the  traveller  had  been  in- 
discreet enough  to  stay  over  night  at  a 
summer  hotel,  and  had  no  clothes. 


i82  jfantasttc  ffables 

The  Mountain  and  the  Mouse 

A  Mountain  was  in  labour,  and  the 
people  of  seven  cities  had  assembled  to 
watch  its  movements  and  hear  its  groans. 
While  they  waited  in  breathless  expect- 
ancy out  came  a  Mouse. 

"  Oh,  what  a  baby!  "  they  cried  in  de- 
rision. 

**  I  may  be  a  baby,"  said  the  Mouse, 
gravely,  as  he  passed  outward  through  the 
forest  of  shins,  "  but  I  know  tolerably  well 
how  to  diagnose  a  volcano." 

The  Bellamy  and  the  Members 

The  Members  of  a  body  of  Socialists 
rose  in  insurrection  against  their  Bellamy. 

"  Why,"  said  they,  "  should  we  be  all 
the  time  tucking  you  out  with  food  when 
you  do  nothing  to  tuck  us  out  ?  " 

So,  resolving  to  take  no  further  action, 
they  went  away,  and  looking  backward 
had  the  satisfaction  to  see  the  Bellamy 
compelled  to  sell  his  own  book. 


OLD  SAWS  WITH  NEW  TEETH 

CERTAIN  ANCIENT   FABLES  APPLIED   TO 
THE   LIFE   OF   OUR  TIMES 


183 


The  Wolf  and  the  Crane 

A  Rich  Man  wanted  to  tell  a  certain 
lie,  but  the  lie  was  of  such  monstrous  size 
that  it  stuck  in  his  throat ;  so  he  employed 
an  Editor  to  write  it  out  and  publish  it  in 
his  paper  as  an  editorial.  But  when  the 
Editor  presented  his  bill,  the  Rich  Man 
said: 

**  Be  content — is  it  nothing  that  I  re- 
frained from  advising  you  about  invest- 
ments ?  " 

The  Lion  and  the  Mouse 

A  Judge  was  awakened  by  the  noise  of 
a  lawyer  prosecuting  a  Thief.  Rising  in 
wrath  he  was  about  to  sentence  the  Thief 
to  life  imprisonment  when  the  latter  said  : 

*'  I  beg  that  you  will  set  me  free,  and  I 
will  some  day  requite  your  kindness." 

Pleased  and  flattered  to  be  bribed,  al- 
185 


i86  jfantasttc  ffables 

though  by  nothing  but  an  empty  promise, 
the  Judge  let  him  go.  Soon  afterward  he 
found  that  it  was  more  than  an  empty 
promise,  for,  having  become  a  Thief,  he 
was  himself  set  free  by  the  other,  who 
had  become  a  Judge. 

The  Hares  and  the  Frogs 

The  Members  of  a  Legislature,  being 
told  that  they  were  the  meanest  thieves 
in  the  world,  resolved  to  commit  suicide. 
So  they  bought  shrouds,  and  laying  them 
in  a  convenient  place  prepared  to  cut  their 
throats.  While  they  were  grinding  their 
razors  some  Tramps  passing  that  way 
stole  the  shrouds. 

**  Let  us  live,  my  friends,"  said  one  of 
the  Legislators  to  the  others;  **  the  world 
is  better  than  we  thought.  It  contains 
meaner  thieves  than  we." 

The  Belly  and  the  Members 

Some  Workingmen  employed  in  a  shoe 
factory  went  on  a  strike,  saying:  **  Why 


jfantaetlc  ffables  187 

should  we  continue  to  work  to  feed  and 
clothe  our  employer  when  we  have  none 
too  much  to  eat  and  wear  ourselves  ?  " 

The  Manufacturer,  seeing  that  he  could 
get  no  labour  for  a  long  time  and  finding 
the  times  pretty  hard  anyhow,  burned 
down  his  shoe  factory  for  the  insurance, 
and  when  the  strikers  wanted  to  resume 
work  there  was  no  work  to  resume.  So 
they  boycotted  a  tanner. 

The  Piping  Fisherman 

An  Editor  who  was  always  vaunting 
the  purity,  enterprise,  and  fearlessness  of 
his  paper  was  pained  to  observe  that  he 
got  no  subscribers.  One  day  it  occurred 
to  him  to  stop  saying  that  his  paper  was 
pure  and  enterprising  and  fearless,  and 
make  it  so.  **  If  these  are  not  good  qual- 
ities," he  reasoned,  "it  is  folly  to  claim 
them." 

Under  the  new  policy  he  got  so  many 
subscribers  that  his  rivals  endeavoured  to 
discover  the  secret  of  his  prosperity,  but 
he  kept  it,  and  when  he  died  it  died  with 
him. 


1 88  fantastic  ffables 

The  Ants  and  the  Grasshopper 

Some  Members  of  a  Legislature  were 
making  schedules  of  their  wealth  at  the 
end  of  the  session,  when  an  Honest  Miner 
came  along  and  asked  them  to  divide  with 
him.  The  members  of  the  Legislature 
inquired : 

**  Why  did  you  not  acquire  property  of 
your  own  ?  " 

**  Because,"  replied  the  Honest  Miner, 
**  I  was  so  busy  digging  out  gold  that  I 
had  no  leisure  to  lay  up  something  worth 
while." 

Then  the  Members  of  the  Legislature 
derided  him,  saying: 

**  If  you  waste  your  time  in  profitless 
amusement,  you  cannot,  of  course,  expect 
to  share  the  rewards  of  industry." 

The  Dog  and  His  Reflection 

A  State  Official  carrying  off  the  Dome 
of  the  Capitol  met  the  Ghost  of  his  pre- 
decessor, who  had  come  out  of  his  politi- 
cal grave  to  warn  him  that  God  saw  him. 
As  the  place  of  meeting  was  lonely  and 


ffantasttc  ffables  189 

the  time  midnight,  the  State  Official  set 
down  the  Dome  of  the  Capitol,  and  com- 
manded the  supposed  traveller  to  throw 
up  his  hands.  The  Ghost  replied  that  he 
had  not  eaten  them,  and  while  he  was  ex- 
plaining the  situation  another  State  Offi- 
cial silently  added  the  dome  to  his  own 
collection. 

The  Lion,  the  Bear, 
and  the  Fox     .    .    . 

Two  Thieves  having  stolen  a  Piano 
and  being  unable  to  divide  it  fairly  with- 
out a  remainder  went  to  law  about  it  and 
continued  the  contest  as  long  as  either 
one  could  steal  a  dollar  to  bribe  the  judge. 
When  they  could  give  no  more  an  Honest 
Man  came  along  and  by  a  single  small 
payment  obtained  a  judgment  and  took 
the  Piano  home,  where  his  daughter  used 
it  to  develop  her  biceps  muscles,  becoming 
a  famous  pugiHste. 

The  Ass  and  the  Lion's  Skin 

A  MEMBER  of  the  State  Militia  stood  at 


190  ifautasttc  jfables 

a  street  corner,  scowling  stormily,  and  the 
people  passing  that  way  went  a  long  way 
around  him,  thinking  of  the  horrors  of 
war.  But  presently,  in  order  to  terrify 
them  still  more,  he  strode  toward  them, 
when,  his  sword  entangling  his  legs,  he 
fell  upon  the  field  of  glory,  and  the  people 
passed  over  him  singing  their  sweetest 
songs. 

The  Ass  and  the  Grasshoppers 

A  Statesman  heard  some  Labourers 
singing  at  their  work,  and  wishing  to  be 
happy  too,  asked  them  what  made  them 
so. 

**  Honesty,"  replied  the  Labourers. 

So  the  Statesman  resolved  that  he  too 
would  be  honest,  and  the  result  was  that 
he  died  of  want. 

The  Wolf  and  the  Lion 

An  Indian  who  had  been  driven  out  of 
a  fertile  valley  by  a  White  Settler,  said : 
"  Now  that  you  have  robbed  me  of  my 


ffantastic  Jfables  191 

land,  there  is  nothing  for  me  to  do  but 
issue  invitations  to  a  war-dance." 

"  I  don't  so  much  mind  your  dancing," 
said  the  White  Settler,  putting  a  fresh 
cartridge  into  his  rifle,  "  but  if  you  at- 
tempt to  make  me  dance  you  will  become 
a  good  Indian  lamented  by  all  who  did  n't 
know  you.  How  did  you  get  this  land, 
anyhow  ?  " 

The  Indian's  claim  was  compromised 
for  a  plug  hat  and  a  tin  horn. 

The  Hare  and  the  Tortoise 

Of  two  Writers  one  was  brilliant  but 
indolent;  the  other  though  dull,  indus- 
trious. They  set  out  for  the  goal  of  fame 
with  equal  opportunities.  Before  they 
died  the  brilliant  one  was  detected  in 
seventy  languages  as  the  author  of  but 
two  or  three  books  of  fiction  and  poetry, 
while  the  other  was  honoured  in  the 
Bureau  of  Statistics  of  his  native  land  as 
the  compiler  of  sixteen  volumes  of  tabu- 
lated information  relating  to  the  domestic 
hog. 


192  fantastic  ffables 

The  Milkmaid  and  Her  Bucket 

A  Senator  fell  to  musing  as  follows: 
"  With  the  money  which  I  shall  get  for 
my  vote  in  favour  of  the  bill  to  subsidise 
cat-ranches,  I  can  buy  a  kit  of  burglar's 
tools  and  open  a  bank.  The  profit  of 
that  enterprise  will  enable  me  to  obtain 
a  long,  low,  black  schooner,  raise  a 
death's-head  flag  and  engage  in  com- 
merce on  the  high  seas.  From  my  gains 
in  that  business  I  can  pay  for  the  Presi- 
dency, which  at  $50,000  a  year  will  give 
me  in  four  years — "  but  it  took  him  so 
long  to  make  the  calculation  that  the  bill 
to  subsidise  cat-ranches  passed  without 
his  vote,  and  he  was  compelled  to  return 
to  his  constituents  an  honest  man,  tor- 
mented with  a  clean  conscience. 

King  Log  and  King  Stork 

The  People  being  dissatisfied  with  a 
Democratic  Legislature,  which  stole  no 
more  than  they  had,  elected  a  Republican 
one,  which  not  only  stole  all  they  had  but 


jfantastic  ifables  193 

exacted  a  promissory  note  for  the  balance 
due,  secured  by  a  mortgage  upon  their 
hope  of  death. 

The  Wolf  Who  Would 
Be  a  Lion 

A  Foolish  Fellow  who  had  been  told 
that  he  was  a  great  man  believed  it,  and 
got  himself  appointed  a  Commissioner  to 
the  Interasylum  Exposition  of  Preserved 
Idiots.  At  the  first  meeting  of  the  Board 
he  was  mistaken  for  one  of  the  exhibits, 
and  the  janitor  was  ordered  to  remove  him 
to  his  appropriate  glass  case. 

"  Alas !  "  he  exclaimed  as  he  was  carried 
out,  "  why  was  I  not  content  to  remain 
where  the  cut  of  my  forehead  is  so  com- 
mon as  to  be  known  as  the  Pacific  Slope  ? ' ' 

The  Monkey  and  the  Nuts 

A  CERTAIN  City  desiring  to  purchase  a 
site  for  a  public  Deformatory  procured  an 
appropriation  from  the  Government  of  the 
country.  Deeming  this  insufficient  for 
purchase    of    the    site    and    payment   of 


194  jfantastic  faUcQ 

reasonable  commissions  to  themselves,  the 
men  in  charge  of  the  matter  asked  for  a 
larger  sum,  which  was  readily  given.  Be- 
lieving that  the  fountain  could  not  be 
dipped  dry,  they  applied  for  still  more 
and  more  yet.  Wearied  at  last  by  their 
importunities,  the  Government  said  it 
would  be  damned  if  it  gave  anything.  So 
it  gave  nothing  and  was  damned  all  the 
harder. 

The  Boys  and  the  Frogs 

Some  editors  of  newspapers  were  en- 
gaged in  diffusing  general  intelligence  and 
elevating  the  moral  sentiment  of  the  pub- 
lic. They  had  been  doing  this  for  some 
time,  when  an  Eminent  Statesman  stuck 
his  head  out  of  the  pool  of  politics,  and, 
speaking  for  the  members  of  his  profes- 
sion, said : 

'*  My  friends,  I  beg  you  will  desist.  I 
know  you  make  a  great  deal  of  money 
by  this  kind  of  thing,  but  consider  the 
damage  you  inflict  upon  the  business  of 
others!" 


Bew  jfiction. 


Children  of  the  Mist. 

By  Eden  Phillpotts,  author   of  "  Down  Dartmoor  Way," 

"  Lying  Prophets,"  etc.     8°     .         .         .         .         $i  50 

R.  D.  Blackmore,  the  author  of  '*  Lorna  Doone,"  writes  of  the  book: 

"  Knowing  nothing  of  the  writer  or  his  works  I  was  simply  astonished  at  the  beauty 
and  power  of  this  novel.  But  true  as  it  is  to  life  and  place,  full  of  deep  interest,  rare 
humor,  and  vivid  descriptions,  there  seemed  to  be  risk  of  its  passing  unheeded  in  the 
crowd  and  rush  and  ruck  of  fiction." 

A.  T.  QuiLLER-CoucH,  in  the  London  Speaker^  says  of  the  work  : 

"  All  the  persons  in  the  book  are  definite,  the  whole  atmosphere  of  the  story  is  crisp 
and  clear — a  tale  of  uncommon  thoughtfulness  and  power." 

Lone  Pine. 

The  Story  of  a  Lost  Mine.   By  R.  B.  Townshend.    12°,  $i  25 

"  The  work  of  a  clever  writer." — The  AthentEum. 

"  A  rattling  good  story  of  the  Southwest.  The  tale  is  well  built,  and  ends  with  an 
exciting  battle." — Buffalo  Express. 

"  A  charming  love  story  mixed  with  the  search  for  a  lost  silver  mine,  .  .  .  full  of 
exciting  incidents  and  adventure." — Cleveland  Plain  Dealer, 

"  A  stirring  tale  of  life  among  the  Indians  of  New  Mexico.^  The  hero  is  an  all-conquer- 
ing American  with  plenty  of  grit  and  good  sense,  successful  in  love  as  well  as  in  fighting 
Indians."— .ff«r//«^/«7«  Free  Press. 

Miss  Cayley's  Adventures. 

By  Grant  Allen,  author  of  "  Flowers  and  Their  Pedigrees," 
etc.     With  80  illustrations.     12°.        .  .         $1.50 

This  is  the  obverse  of  the  old  story  of  the  youth  who  starts  forth  with  a  sound  heart 
and  tuppence  in  his  pocket  to  win  his  fortune.  Mr.  Allen's  youth  is  a  girl,  a  graduate  of 
Girton,  who  is  left  penniless,  and  who  is  compelled  to  make  her  own  way  in  life.  Her 
varied  experiences  are  told  in  Mr.  Allen's  old-time  graceful  manner,  which  won  for  him  an 
international  reputation. 

Vassar  Studies. 

By  Julia  A.  Schwartz,  A.M.  ('96).     With    11  illustrations. 
12° $1  25 

Miss  Schwartz's  collection  of  studies  has  been  planned  to  reproduce,  by  means  of 
emphasizing  in  each  paper  a  characteristic  element  or  quality  of  student  life,  a  faithful 
impression  of  the  spirit  and  personality  of  modern  Vassar.  She  has  treated  of  character 
rather  than  incident ;  yet  her  stories  are  not  lacking  in  action  nor  in  the  picturesque  back- 
ground of  college  pastime  as  well  as  that  of  college  work. 

The  Treasure  of  Mushroom  Rock. 

A  Story  of  Prospecting  in  the  Rocky  Mountains.     By   Sid- 
ford  F.  Hamp.     Illustrated.     12°.     {Inpr^ss.) 


G.  P.  PUTNAM'S  SONS,  New  York  and  London. 


THE  HUDSON  LIBRARY. 

Published  bi-monthly.     Entered  as  second-class  matter.     i6°,  paper, 
50  cents.     Published  also  in  cloth. 

I.  Love  and  Shawl-straps.    By  Annette  I<ucii.i.b  Noble. 
a.  Miss  Hurd :  An  Enigma.    By  Anna  Katharine  Green. 

3.  How  Thankful  Was  Bewitched.    By  Jas.  K.  Hosmer. 

4.  A  Woman  of  Impulse.    By  Justin  Huntley  McCarthy. 

5.  The  Countess  Bettina.    By  Clinton  Ross. 

6.  Her  Majesty.    By  Elizabeth  K.  Tompkins. 

7.  Qod  Forsaken.    By  Frederic  Breton. 

8.  An  Island  Princess.    By  Theodore  Gift. 

9.  Elizabeth's  Pretenders.    By  Hamilton  Aid&. 

10.  At  Tuxter's.    By  G.  B.  Burgin. 

11.  Cherryfield  Hall.    By  V.  H.  Balfour. 

12.  The  Crime  of  the  Century.    By  R.  Ottolengui, 

13.  The  Things  that  Matter.    By  Francis  Gribble. 

14.  The  Heart  of  Life.    By  W.  H.  Mallock. 

15.  The  Broken  Ring.    By  Elizabeth  K.  Tompkins. 

16.  The  Strange  Schemes  of  Randolph  Mason.    By  Melville  D.  Post. 

17.  That  Affair  Next  Door.    By  Ann^  Katharine  Green. 

18.  In  the  Crucible.    By  Grace  Denio  I^itchfield. 

19.  Eyes  Like  the  Sea.    By  Maurus  J6kai. 

20.  An  Uncrowned  King.    By  S.  C.  Grier. 

21.  The  Professor's  Dilemma.    By  A.  1,.  Noble. 

22.  The  Ways  of  Life.    By  Mrs.  Oliphant. 

33.  The  Man  of  the  Family.    By  Christian  RBn>. 

24.  Margot.    By  Sidney  Pickering. 

25.  The  Fall  of  the  Sparrow.    By  M.  C.  Balfour. 

26.  Elementary  Jane.    By  Richard  Pryce. 

27.  The  Man  of  Last  Resort.    By  Melville  D.  Post. 

28.  Stephen  Whapshare.    By  Emma  Brooke. 

29.  Lost  Man's  Lane.    By  Anna  Katharine  Green. 

30.  Wheat  in  the  Ear.    By  Alien. 

31.  As  Having  Nothing.    By  Hester  Caldwell  Oakley. 

32.  The  Chase  of  an  Heiress.    By  Christian  Reid. 

33.  Final  Proof.    By  Rodrigues  Ottolengot. 

34.  The  Wheel  of  God.    By  George  Egerton. 

35.  John  Marmaduke.    By  S.  H.  Church. 

36.  Hannah  Thurston.    By  Bayard  Taylor. 

37.  Yale  Yarns.    By  J.  S.  Wood. 

38.  Rosalba.    By  Olive  P.  Rayner. 

39.  The  Untold  Half.    By  Alien. 

40.  Dr.  Berkeley's  Discovery.    By  R.  Slee  and  C.  A.  Pratt. 


G.  P.  PUTNAM'S  SONS,  New  York  and  London. 


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